


Identity

by Jellyneau



Series: Identity Series [1]
Category: Broadchurch, Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Broadchurch / Doctor Who crossover, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:29:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 75,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1573868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellyneau/pseuds/Jellyneau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose makes an effort to move on with her life after her Doctor is once again cruelly taken from her, but she soon realizes that moving on might require her to confront her past in a way she’d never ever expected. Broadchurch/Doctor Who crossover.  Rated E for later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been lucky enough to read some fantastic Doctor Who/Broachurch fan fiction, and I felt a burning need to finally put my own plot bunny on paper. It's been a long time coming. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!!! I will be posting regularly, I promise!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 1: Ghost

The coffee shop was busy. Rose was a bit surprised to find so many people crowding the tables in the small cafe when they entered. It was half eleven in the morning on a weekday in March, but apparently there were enough people in this small Dorset town able to take early lunches that the cafe was packed. She wasn’t complaining at all, though. There was something comforting about the busy noises of the locals chatting and the tinkle of cutlery stirring additives into the amazing coffee the establishment served. She took another sip of the delightful brew and stared out the large front window of the shop.

She had been out all morning with the estate agent looking at places. He’d just stepped out of the shop to make a phone call while she waited in the warm cafe. Broadchurch. God. Who’d’ve thought she’d end up in a small town and that she’d actually be thrilled with the idea of getting away from the bustle of a larger centre. 

But she was. She was excited. For the first time in months, she was sure of something. She needed to get out of London and away from… everything. From their flat, from her parents, from Torchwood. She’d been subconsciously looking for a way to let go for a while now. At first, she’d tried getting out more. Meeting up with friends after work, shopping with her Mom. But all that seemed to do was solidify the hard pain in her heart. The absence of the person who should’ve been with her instead of those people she was existing beside became even more keenly felt, if that was even possible. 

No. She needed to start fresh. To be somewhere free of memories and sadness. She needed to start again and search herself. To look inside herself for happiness again. But God, she missed him. 

The Doctor had been everything to her. Her light. Her life. After He had dropped them on that beach, it had been a while before she’d been able to really find it in her to believe the man He’d left her with was genuine. The real thing. The man she’d fallen in love with and the one she’d been striving to get back to for so long. The Doctor. But it happened. She’d finally accepted it and before long she had difficulty believing she’d ever doubted it. 

It had been a hard road for him as well. And while she never doubted his genuine happiness at having her by his side again, she knew the slow path had never been one he’d anticipated having to take. Yet there he was. He was plopped down on the beach with her and told he’d better behave. She hadn’t ever really been able to forgive Him for that. As if it hadn’t been hard enough for ‘her Doctor’ (as she’d come to think of him) as it was, trying to come to terms with being part human, being without his beloved time ship, and all of sudden being confronted with the fact he’d never be up among the stars again. He’d rarely complained, but Rose knew it ate at him nonetheless. 

But that hadn’t been all that had been silently eating at him. While they both slowly came to terms with what had been done to them and what possible future they could make together, the Doctor had been slowly being torn apart on the inside. It wasn’t until a full year after their first year anniversary, however, before they realized there was anything going on. That’s when the coughing started.

At first they’d assumed it was a cold, much to the chagrin on the part Time Lord who’d previously scoffed at the very idea that he could succumb to such a trivial human ailment. But it soon became apparent that it was much more than a mere cold, and before long Rose had him into Torchwood for an exam. He’d fought the very idea, of course, but it hadn’t taken much convincing. Looking back, Rose was pretty sure he’d actually been a bit worried at the time, otherwise his arguments would’ve been a bit more substantial. He hated being poked and prodded… understandable after some of the encounters he’d had in his many incarnations. But his willingness to submit to such treatment should’ve alerted her that there was something much more going on than a mere cough. 

Testing at Torchwood had been extensive and finally revealed something neither of them had been expecting. Cancer. Of all things. This man had faced hoards of Cybermen, had fought Daleks, and had defeated the Sycorax single handedly, and here… on earth, a simple human cancer was to be his end. 

It was explained to her later that the meta-crisis hadn’t been completely finished ‘cooking’, as her Doctor had been fond of saying, before He’d flown them back through the void to the alternate universe. Void travel was tenuous at the best of times, but for a being that was still forming… well, it was likely the reason his cells hadn’t managed to maintain their intended form and had mutated, resulting in what could best be described as cancer. 

Of course, his first worry had been for Rose. If this had happened to him travelling across the void… what of her? She’d been through the void many times before the meta-crisis even happened. And she only had simple human DNA to work with on top of that. But scans revealed that she remarkably and thankfully had no cellular damage as a result of the many jumps she’d done using the dimension cannon. The relief in his eyes was worth every test she’d been through, even though she’d argued at first that she hadn’t needed them and that they should be focusing on _him_.

His diagnosis had been the first step, as far as Rose was concerned. Even on learning the test results she’d never even considered that treatment wouldn’t be possible. But it was that very discovery that had been the beginning of end of her life as she knew it. 

The cancer hadn’t been isolated to his lungs. In fact, Owen Harper, the resident doctor of Torchwood, had found cancer in most of his systems and had figured they were all probably primary sites, with all his cells beginning to mutate at approximately the same time. His body was riddled with it.

The news had hit Rose hard. She’d wanted to rail at the universe. She’d wanted to shout and scream and throw her own life into the void just to escape the pain she was feeling in her heart. She was losing him. Again. Part of her hated Him. Part of her hated him. But mostly she hated herself for her selfish feelings of loss, when he was still alive, sitting in front of her, hearing the news as she was. He was going to die. This magnificent being who’d given up his life in other Universe… who’d given his human life to her… was going to stop being. And the look on his face is what made her want to curl in on herself. He should’ve been angry. He should’ve been roaring at the cosmos and fate for putting this on him. Instead, his eyes held the two things she’d found she’d never been able to come to terms with following his passing. The first was resignation. As if he should never have allowed himself hope that he could’ve possibly had this one thing. This chance to be with the woman he loved for her forever. The second was sympathy. And that’s what would haunt her to this day. The undeniable look of pity for her. The ‘other’ Doctor… the full Time Lord Doctor… he’d given her a promise by leaving the meta-crisis with her. He’d given her his forever, as much as he could ever do. And this is what came of it. This is all he could muster for her. Two short years. And no matter how much she assured him she was grateful for any time he had been able to give her, she knew he was chalking this up as yet another failure on his part. Another thing he couldn’t do right for her.

From there, it had been relatively quick. It was Bad Wolf Bay all over again, but this time, she could see him and touch him while at the same time watching him fade away in front of her eyes. And this time, he told her he loved her as he went. 

After that, time stopped. Well, of course it didn’t really _stop_ , but it might as well have. The unparalleled grief of his loss became an unshakable gloom that began to steal her ability to distinguish night from day at some points. It drained her of her will to live and culminated in months of empty, numb existence that threatened to end her. It had been touch and go there for a while, with Jackie and Pete keeping a watchful eye as she trudged through sleeping and eating and breathing for those agonizing weeks. It had only been through their encouragement and the support of her friends Jake and Tosh that she had eventually clawed her way back to sanity and admitted she needed help.

The road to where she now stood had been a hard one for her. Somehow justifying why _she_ should still be allowed to exist when the most amazing man in this universe was gone… she just couldn’t. It had taken a few months of therapy before she’d finally admitted that to anyone, but it had been a turning point for her. Admitting that she didn’t feel worthy… that she should have been the one to have died… _that_ had been the start of her release from the all encompassing sadness she’d been living with. 

She would never know why fate had been so cruel, to have finally given him to her, only to take him away so ruthlessly. But she also knew that he would have been mortified to have learned that she thought so little of herself that she’d considered ending it all. He had told her… so many times since that day on the beach… that she was the reason he had healed after the Time War. That if it weren’t for her, he would surely have ended himself. The thought had nearly drowned her. A universe… _any_ universe… without the Doctor was wrong. Well… he’d felt the same about her. He had done his best to show her that in his time with her here. Her disregard of his admiration for her and her wallowing in self hatred would do nothing except disrespect what he’d given her. His forever. 

A tear dripped down Rose’s cheek, pulling her back to the present. Using the back of her hand, she wiped it away and gazed out the window at the street of the quaint town she’d chosen to make a fresh start in. The anniversary of his death was tomorrow, and Rose couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate his memory than to try to find some peace in her heart. To have a ‘fantastic life’ as he’d been so fond of saying. And while she knew she wouldn’t truly be able to make peace with his passing, she knew she needed to try. For his sake. It had been his dying wish, in fact. So here she was. Trying to do just that. In Broadchurch. As far away from everything she knew as she was comfortable going right now. 

The tinkle of the bells above the door alerted her to the return of her realtor. 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he said, sliding into the booth across from Rose again. “My wife had a doctor’s appointment this morning… just had to check in,” he shared.

“Oh… I hope everything’s alright,” Rose said, feeling anxiety building in her stomach. The very topic of spouses needing medical attention was enough to make her feel ill.

“Oh, yeah… no worries. She’s pregnant, is all. Six months along. Just making sure everything’s as it should be,” he said, smiling.

Rose felt a tangible wave of relief roll over her. It was astounding how very raw she still was.

“Anyhow… did you have a chance to look over the listings?” he asked, indicating the pile of papers he’d set in front of Rose before he’d left to make his call.

“Oh… no… I’m sorry,” Rose said a bit sheepishly. “I got distracted,” she admitted, biting her bottom lip.

“Oh. Well, no problem. There were a few I thought you’d like, so we can start with those. Now… you said you wanted something with a view of the water if possible. I’ve got two properties that fit the bill in that regard and one that sounds like it has everything else you’d wanted in a home, at a better price point, but without the view,” he reviewed, going over a couple of the listings in front of them.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it… I think I’m kind of stuck on the idea of a water view, I’m afraid. Maybe we can see those first?” she suggested. At first she hadn’t really known why she’d been so attracted to the ocean front properties, aside from the obvious peaceful view. It soon dawned on her, though, that despite her precarious history with beaches, they had become synonymous with change and hope. And while change could be devastatingly painful, it also had brought her some of the most cherished times in her life. A beach is where she’d been left with him, after all. At the time, she hadn’t known what a blessing it had been… but now she did. That blasted beach had seen the death of a dream and the birth of an unforeseen blessing. She couldn’t think of a more fitting place to start again. 

If there had been anything the might’ve held her back from buying something on the waterfront, it would have been the cost. And knowing that money should always a consideration, she was very thankful that it wasn’t much of a worry at present. She and the Doctor had both been working full time for Torchwood since they arrived in this universe, not to mention that Rose had put a good amount away before she’d jumped back to her own universe in the first place. She’d had nothing to spend it on, preferring to live in a bare flat with no luxuries to speak of. When she and her Doctor landed back in London, they’d taken up residence in her flat and, while they’d made it more homey, they really hadn’t invested anything in it. They’d only been beginning to talk about maybe investing the money she’d been squirrelling away on moving to a proper home with more room for… with more room, when the Doctor got his diagnosis. 

“Of course,” he said agreeably, gathering up the papers from the table. “Should we go?” 

“Sure,” Rose said, smiling at the pleasant man in front of her. Pulling on her black thigh-length leather trenchcoat she looked out the shop window. Outside, the sky was grey and a light drizzle was starting to wet the pavement, contradicting her attempts to see some light at the end of the tunnel. She sighed. What was that trite saying? Happiness starts on the inside? Well, it sure wasn’t going to come from mother nature, she mused, watching a few of the people on the street pull out their brollies. 

That’s when her heart leapt up into her throat. Across the street, a man had emerged from around the corner with an umbrella already at full mast, his slim frame covered with a dark coat. The vision lasted only a second before the man disappeared inside the chemist’s directly across from the cafe.

It was the Doctor.

Rose stood up quickly, bumping her thigh against the underside of the table, making the dishes on it jump. 

The Doctor. No. It was her mind playing tricks. It had to be. It was. Oh God. A lump formed in her throat and her eyes filled. God. She was still seeing him. 

After he passed, it seemed like everyone she saw on the street looked like him. She’d catch the silhouette of a tall slim man out of the corner of her eye and turn to find someone very unlike the man she was missing. It happened so often at first, that she was sure she was going mad. Eventually… slowly…the ‘sightings’ of her husband declined and only once in a while now, she found herself truly taken aback by such a vision. This had obviously been one of those times. But… God… 

Steeling herself against her rising tears, she swallowed back the swell of emotion threatening to overwhelm her yet again. 

“Are you alright, Ms. Tyler?” the estate agent’s kind voice said, interrupting her racing thoughts.

Coming back to herself, she fully stood and rubbed absently at her leg. “Um, yeah. Sorry… I just… I thought I saw someone I knew, but, uh… it wasn’t him,” she said, trying to justify her odd behaviour. “Anyway,” she said after a deep breath, “should we be going?” 

The realtor studied her for a moment, seemingly unsure as to her true state, but after a moment he nodded. “Sure. Onward and upward,” he said jovially. 

Rose responded with a half-hearted smile and followed him out of the cafe to his vehicle, chastising herself a bit on the way. This was supposed to be a fresh start. Shouldn’t she be trying harder to move on? To start to _live_ again? A big part of her wanted to. She was so tired of being sad. Of just… existing.

She took a deep cleansing breath before climbing into the car. So… this was it. She was going to work to find some sort of peace. For him. For his memory. Still… despite her best intentions, she shouldn’t be surprised that she was finding this incredibly difficult. 

One year ago tomorrow was the day he died. And even though she’d decided that her heart had to begin healing, it sometimes had a mind of its own, so to speak. And right now, she so desperately wished he was there with her, sharing this experience. Instead, she was alone, trying to move on without him. Trying to press ahead without his hand in hers. It was utterly cruel and wrong, but there she was, and there was no turning back the clock, as they say. The truth of that statement was so far from lost on her that it made her want to cry all over again.

Instead, though, she once again tamped down the tide of grief that threatened to escalate. She would make it through this. She would get through the next hour. And the one after that. Then she’d take it from there. One hour at a time was all she could contemplate today. That was okay, though. Because she’d be able to do it. For him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This chapter was a difficult one to write, but after a few false starts, I think it contains what I needed it to. Enjoy!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 2: Peace

Sitting behind the wheel of his car, D.I. Hardy stared out the windshield at the drizzle falling lightly from the grey sky. Fitting, he mused. 

He was having a shitty day. A really shitty day. His meeting with the chief inspector hadn’t gone as he’d hoped. But then, that really shouldn’t have been a surprise. He’d been fooling himself thinking she might consider letting him set foot into the station, even if it was just to sit behind a desk. He was a liability with his heart in its current state and everyone knew it. At least she’d agreed he could come back as soon as the doctor cleared him. He knew he’d never work in the field again, and though that thought still stabbed at him, at least he’d not been forced to retire far too early. 

He sighed and closed his eyes. There were still two weeks before his scheduled surgery and he was already ready to pull his hair out from sheer boredom. Being idle was not something he’d ever done on purpose. His hand rose to cover his heart, which was currently steadily beating reassuringly beneath his suit jacket. He was supposed to have been under the knife not long after his last medical episode, but an unrelated bacterial infection had halted the proceedings and put the date back a couple of weeks. They needed to be sure he was completely free of infection before his body had to undergo the trauma of surgery. 

While a part of him was anxious to get it overwith, another part of him was thankful he’d been given a bit more time before he was going to be incapacitated for a while. Feeling helpless was intolerable for him at the best of times, but it would be even more so without anything to distract him. Every other time he’d ever been laid up, he’d had his wife… now ‘ex’... and daughter around. Of course, Ellie Miller, his D.S. and reluctant friend, had offered to stay long enough to help him through the first weeks post-surgery. At first he’d turned her down, but on reflection, he knew he’d been foolish to do so. He was alone in Broadchurch and, other than his daughter, he now had no one in the world. Even then, his daughter wanted nothing to do with him after the perceived injustices he’d dealt upon her mother. But he hated the idea of appearing needy, which is why he hadn’t taken Ellie up on her offer immediately. In the end, though, practicality had won out. He knew he’d probably need the help for the first week or so after the operation, so he’d reluctantly agreed to have Ellie care for him for a bit following his hospital stay. 

Ellie. Ellie Miller had been his D.S. until a month ago when her husband confessed to the murder or their son’s friend Danny Latimer. She took a leave following the devastating news, and only he knew she was planning to move herself and her two children away from Broadchurch and its memories. 

Alec knew all about feeling the need to run from your own community. He’d lived it. Of course, Ellie’s reasons for leaving were completely understandable, but he knew she hadn’t considered that she would be leaving a community that ultimately could be a source of strength for her and the boys. While there would always be those who would scoff at her ignorance of her ex-husband’s vile actions, there were many he suspected would do just the opposite. Ellie was well respected in the community and had contributed much to it in her years here. She’d given her time and support to so many people in Broadchurch… Alec was sure they could be called on to rally behind her. Alec also knew the chief inspector had been planning on asking her to become acting D.I., a position he knew she had been hoping for even as it was offered to him not long ago. 

Taking a deep breath again and letting it out slowly, he considered how he was going to broach the subject of having her stay. It was the best thing for her, he was convinced. And if he was honest, he’d have to admit he wanted her to stay for his own selfish reasons as well. She’d been there to support him… either by simply shouting at him when appropriate or by literally calling 999… when he’d needed it. 

Not even taking into account his own desire to have her stay, though, he honestly believed she and the boys would be better off staying in Broadchurch. Which is why he was sitting here in his car at this moment instead of heading home after that disastrous meeting so he could pace his room in boredom. He was meeting her soon in hopes he could convince her to give it a go. 

Sighing again, he looked at his watch. It was quarter to eleven. Best get moving. He had to fill his prescription before he met Eillie for lunch. Luckily, the chemist’s was only across the street from the cafe.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Rose stepped out onto the back stoop of the second home they’d walked through and took a deep breath. The salty air filled her lungs, making her feel remarkably refreshed. This was it. She could feel it. This was the right place. A small smile played on her lips. He would’ve approved, even before he’d have stepped inside. The sight before her was incredible, with the ocean spreading out in front of her like a blanket. The waves calmly rippling on the shore soothed her soul. 

“Well… what do you think? It’s a bit smaller than the one I want to show you next, but it’s got it’s charm,” he said, summarizing the place nicely.

“I love it,” Rose said, before she’d even meant to. Looking up at the estate agent, she felt a full smile spread on her face, realizing she’d honestly meant what she’d just said. “I really love it,” she grinned. God… it felt like forever since she’d smiled like this.

The realtor responded with a genuine smile of his own. “I’m glad you like it,” he said honestly. “You do know, though, that it’ll need some repairs. I’d offer some less than what they’re asking based on that alone,” he cautioned.

Rose nodded, still revelling in the grin she’d allowed herself to keep plastered on her face.   
“‘S alright. Reckon I need something to keep me busy when I’m not painting,” she said, letting the idea of actually taking this place settle in. It certainly wasn’t large, but then, she didn’t need much room. Her only requirements had been that there be two bedrooms; one to be used as it was named, and she’d set up the other as a studio. 

On moving, she’d decided that part of her self healing would involve continuing to explore her creative side. Painting was an activity she’d taken up when she’d found herself in this universe the first time around. When she wasn’t at Torchwood working on the dimension cannon, eating, sleeping or taking care of personal needs, she’d painted. At first she’d tried her hand at drawing, and while she didn’t mind saying that she wasn’t half bad at it, she found she didn’t fancy the ‘flatness’ of it. That’s when Jake had suggested she take up painting. And once she’d done her first tentative strokes on canvas, she knew she was hooked. She had been missing colour in her life. And once she discovered the broad strokes of bold hope that painting provided, she was able to lose herself in it for hours at a time. Something she’d not found in any other activity. It was the only thing that used her mind in a way that didn’t allow her to fixate on missing Him. 

After being returned to this universe with her Doctor, she hadn’t planned on taking it up again, now finding honest contentment in his arms. But he’d insisted she keep at it, seemingly genuinely impressed with her skill, though she suspected he was biased, of course. So they’d kept the studio in her flat set up so she could continue painting, but made it Doctor friendly by adding a long desk at which he could tinker in an effort to build a new sonic. They’d spent many hours in that room, working quietly on their respective projects, but always basking in each other’s company nonetheless. Her memories of those times were some of the most peaceful she had and she cherished them. 

The realtor’s bright voice broke her revery. “Right! Did you still want to see the last place? It’s got a lovely garden and it’s close to more amenities,” he said dutifully.

“No. I think this is it, Mr. Baker,” she smiled. It was perfect. It honoured him and at the same time, it soothed her. She couldn’t think of a better place to try to find peace. “Let’s make an offer.”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The offer proposed, Rose and her agent had waited tensely in the coffee shop they’d sat in earlier in the day. Two cups of tea and a scone later, she had her answer. They’d accepted her offer. The place was hers! 

After settling on a time to meet the next day, the agent dropped her off at ‘Traders’, the only hotel in town, which is also where she’d left her vehicle for the day. It was a quaint place with it’s own bar, which Rose decided against visiting tonight. She was completely knackered and, while she might have enjoyed a pint, she just couldn’t see herself managing to stay awake long enough to finish one. 

Climbing the stairs to the second floor where her room was situated, she opened the door and let herself in. The pungent scent of air freshener and floor cleaner met her as walked in, and she scrunched her nose as she dropped her purse on the table beside the bed. At least they kept the place clean, she mused. It was a perfectly acceptable room, but not the most luxurious accommodations. Not that she was snooty about that sort of thing. It’s not like she hadn’t stayed in the her share of jails and dungeons, after all. But seeing as she wouldn’t be able to move into her new place for another week, she had been hoping to spoil herself a bit. Oh well. At least it had Wi-Fi. 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Rose pulled at the heel of her boot and slipped it off. Ahhh. The second boot plopped onto the floor beside the first and she flung herself back on the bed with her legs hanging over the end and her arms flopped out beside her. Closing her eyes, she pictured her new home. There really was a fair bit of work to be done. She’d have to paint, for sure. There was no doubt about that. The previous owners had been living there for many years and had done little to upgrade in the time they’d owned the home. The tiles in the kitchen would have to be replaced and the countertop could do with replacement as well, really. Maybe tomorrow she’d try to find a B&Q or the like to get an idea of what could be done and how quickly. 

Ideas for renovations played in her mind. She had some artsy ideas that she’d been thinking of doing for their first home, and had decided she’d try to incorporate some of them into this place. A stab of pain dashed through her heart. Their first home. They would’ve been living in their first home by now if he hadn’t passed. Of course, he’d wanted her to have a workroom in their new place, but that was his only real dream for it. He _had_ mentioned that a waterfront property would be brilliant, though. At the time, the thought of leaving London wasn’t one they’d entertained, and they both knew they could never afford anywhere with a view of anything but someone else’s back yard on the amount they’d been able to save, so his dream was to remain just that. At least until they’d managed to harvest the engine from a passing Volloxian trader ship, he shared. She’d laughed at this, but he stolidly explained to her that their ships’ engines were encased in diamond in order to withstand the incredible heat produced by them. She assured him that the next time a Volloxian ship dropped out of the air into the Thames, they’d nicely ask the Volloxian’s if they wouldn’t mind giving up their engine casing so he could live in a mansion with a view.

It made her ache her to think that now that an ocean view was assured, he wouldn’t be there with her to appreciate it. Well, she’d have to appreciate it for both of them, she thought, trying to urge her mind into something more akin to peace. 

She sighed. She’d been completely exhausted when she’d entered the hotel, but now, lying here, she couldn’t get her mind to stop whirling. 

Turning to check out the clock radio beside the bed, she was surprised to find it was only seven o’clock. It felt more like midnight. But really… seven? Going to bed now would make her feel even more pathetic. Her Nan used to stay up later than seven, for heaven’s sake! 

Deciding she might as well head downstairs and have a pint after all, she sat up and slipped her boots back on. Moving to the bathroom, she relieved herself and stood before the mirror to plump her hair a bit. It looked disheveled and rather lifeless, but she’d long since stopped caring about how she looked. Studying her face for a moment, she really took herself in. 

She’d lost a fair amount of weight since the Doctor had passed, and her cheeks looked a bit hallowed. Dark circles rimmed her eyes and, while she had managed to hold back the years in terms of wrinkles, the stress of the last year had taken its toll on her skin, which looked decidedly less pink than it used to. Normally, she wouldn’t have bothered even noticing such things, but tonight… for some reason, she felt she needed to address them. Of course, there wasn’t much she could do about her slightly too thin frame at the moment, but she could at least put on some make-up. Just like she’d felt about her drawing, she was tiring of the black and white appearance she’d been sporting. Picking up her blush brush, she applied a bit of colour to her cheeks. A light application of eyeshadow brightened her eyes a bit and some lippy plumped and coloured her pale lips. Trying out a smile in the mirror, she was surprised to find it didn’t look pained or even ‘put on’. It almost looked natural, if she was honest. 

Pleased with her efforts, she grabbed the room key, and headed out the door. This was a new beginning and it felt good to allow it to start happening. She put a bit of a sway into her step as she made her way to downstairs to the bar. 

It was empty at the moment, save for a vicar and the barkeep, an attractive blonde woman. They seemed very at ease with each other, as they chatted animatedly. Interesting dynamic, she thought inwardly. Well, it was a small community. It was likely the vicar would probably know everyone quite well. Rose ordered a pint and chips sat at one of the tables, sipping her beer contentedly while she waited for her food. Looking out the window at the purples and oranges now painting the sky outside, she barely noticed when the basket of chips was placed on the table in front of her. She offered a distracted ‘thanks’ to the barkeep who’d left her with the steaming treat. Looking down at the contents of the basket, her mouth watered. She really shouldn’t be surprised. She’d only had tea and scone to eat since lunch. Reaching for the glass dispenser on the table, she proceeded to douse the golden fried potatoes with vinegar. 

Bringing her glass to her lips once again, she took a cool pull of her drink before biting off half of a vinegar covered chip. The taste was heavenly and she took a moment to close her eyes and appreciate the tangy taste before slipping it’s neglected twin into her mouth as well.

“Evening Detective,” Rose heard the young woman at the bar say pleasantly. “What can I get for you?”

Rose didn’t bother turning her head. She was honestly enjoying this moment immensely and didn’t really want to leave it. Looking down at the chips before her, she chose a rather delectable sample and popped into her mouth.

“I’ll have a gin and tonic, Becca,” she heard a familiar voice say in a Scottish brogue.

Rose’s inhaled deeply in shock. It was _his voice_. Fear enveloped her. And not just because she’d just heard her dead husband speak, but because she was now choking, having inhaled the chunk of potato she’d been revelling in only a moment ago.

Attempting to cough, Rose tried to draw in breath, but was unable. She tried again, her hands flying to her neck as she frantically worked to clear her throat. She couldn’t. Panic set in. She couldn’t breathe. Standing, she bumped the edge of the table with her leg, making her pint cup slosh over onto the table with a crash. 

The noise alerted the others in the room to her distress, which made her all the more panicked. She had to get out of here. She had to breathe… 

She’d turned to the entrance and was running toward it when strong arms caught her. She fought them, clawing to be released. Someone was holding her… but she needed to get away… to run! Her lungs were burning and tears streamed from her eyes. Scrambling desperately against the force holding her, she kicked and fought until she finally got herself free, falling forward. 

Pain ploughed through her skull. Spots of bright lights and dark blotches competed in the vision as water cascaded down her face. Water. No. Blood. She knew she should still be panicked. That she should be… what should she be doing? Sleeping. She should be sleeping. 

Frantic voices rolled over her, even as the black dots floating before her eyes seemed to win the battle over the bright lights. 

She felt someone pull her up onto her knees and wrap their arms around her middle. Dazedly she leaned her head back against the person behind her. That was good. More comfortable. Her eyes closed of their own accord.

To her utter surprise and alarm, a sharp, stabbing jolt of pain flew through her radiating from just under her sternum. Her eyes flew open. Another sharp quick punching pain to her middle brought her to complete awareness as the constricting obstruction dislodged in her throat. A ragged stabbing breath forced itself into her lungs and a racking cough followed it before another aching breath found its way into her body. Her head bloomed with renewed agony with each successive breath and subsequent cough. 

She felt herself being cradled against someone’s warm chest as she heaved in deep breaths. She tried to open her eyes, but rather than actually seeing anything, she was greeted only by a haze and blazing pain that resounded through her skull. A dizzy blackness settled over her. 

A deep rumbling voice pressed itself through her head as she lay against a warm chest. It was him. Warmth spread through her. It was him. She was with him again. A scratchy, small voice issued from her, even without her being aware. “Missed you,” she mumbled before letting sleep claim her. She could sleep now. She was safe. He was here and she had now truly found peace.


	3. Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose and her saviour get to talk...

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 3: Rescue

Awareness came to her slowly, for no apparent reason. She was lying on something comfortable. Her bed? Cracking open an eye, she immediately closed it again. Light. Bright light filled the room she was in, wherever that was, and it hurt. 

It hurt? Pulling her hand up to press against her head, she was stopped midway through the movement by a tugging at her arm. Daring to crack her eyes open again, she looked down. An I.V. . She was in hospital. Hospital. Oh my god. What happened?

A soft rustling noise issued from beside the bed. Turning her head slowly, her eyes fell on a sleeping figure in the chair beside her. 

“Oh my god!” her voice rasped, against her body’s better judgement. 

The Doctor’s eyes opened, alerted by her voice. Blinking, obviously a bit disoriented, he quickly seemed to come to himself and leaned over closer to her, his deep brown eyes studying her. “It’s alright, Ms. Tyler. You’re in hospital,” he said softly.

“Doctor?” she whispered, not believing her eyes.

Nodding, the Doctor patted her hand. “One moment… I’ll let the nurse know you’ve woken,” he said kindly. Standing, he moved to the door of the room and leaned out, saying something to someone passing by.

“Doctor...” she breathed again, knowing she sounded a bit desperate, but not liking that he’d moved away from her.

The Doctor moved back to the bedside. “I’ve asked them to get him. He should be in soon,” he said, obviously hearing the distress in her voice.

Staring up at him, her eyes filled. How could he be standing right in front of her? She knew she wasn’t dead. Why would there be IVs in heaven? So this man couldn’t be _her_ Doctor… not if she was alive. That could mean only one thing. She’d somehow been returned to her universe. And the man in front of her… it was Him. But how?

“Doctor… how… why am I here?” she asked, her eyes sparkling with tears as she squinted up at him, still overwhelmed by the bright lights in the room. 

“I, uh… the doctor should be here soon, Ms. Tyler. I don’t know how much you remember, but you’ve suffered a head injury,” he said, sitting back down in the chair beside the bed, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees as if to inspect her more closely. 

Rose looked at him, blinking. What the hell was he talking about? And why was he putting on a Scottish accent? The confusion must’ve been radiating off of her.

“Do you remember being at Trader’s last night?” he asked.

Traders? She shook her head. Wait. The Traders. The hotel. She’d been staying there.

“Oh. Well… you’re apparently staying there and you’d come into the bar for a drink, I gather, but you started choking and tried to run… not uncommon for choking victims… but you fell and hit your head, and, well… here you are,” he said by way of explanation in a soft Scottish brogue. 

Rose’s brows furrowed. So she wasn’t in her universe again. But how did he get here? He’d said it was impossible… that he wouldn’t be able to cross the void again. “But… how did you get here? I don’t understand,” she said, her voice full of emotion, unable to believe what she was seeing. Reaching her hand out, she willed him to take it. She needed to feel him… to assure herself he was really here.

The Doctor looked at her proffered hand and back in her eyes. He looked… embarrassed. She let her hand drop back onto the bed. Anguish and dejection filled her. He hadn’t found her then. Maybe he hadn’t planned on seeing her here? But then… why would He even _be_ here? In this universe? He’d been the one who’d said he wouldn’t be able to come back… that it was too dangerous. 

“I, uh… I’m staying at the Traders as well. Just happened to be in the bar at the same time, lucky for you,” he added seriously. 

“But why? Why are you here?” she said, confused. She wanted to ask him about the accent as well, but first thing first. “I… You said it was too dangerous. That it could rip a hole between the dimensions. I’m not complaining… I…” her eyes stung with tears, “I just can’t believe it,” she said, her voice a bit shaky.

The Doctor sat staring at her for a moment, his face mirroring her confusion. “Uh… you’ve got quite a concussion, Ms. Tyler… I think you’re confused. But,” he said, shooting a look toward the door, “they said the doctor would be in straight away. I, uh… I had come in with you just to make sure you were alright. You obviously don’t know anyone in Broadchurch… I thought you shouldn’t wake up without someone here. But, uh… you’re awake now, so I suppose I should be off. But, listen… here’s my card,” he said awkwardly, reaching in his breast pocket and pulling out a business card. When Rose didn’t reach for it, he reached down and placed it gently in her hand. “If you need anything, just ring me,” he said, nodding toward the card in her hand. 

Rose knew she looked hopelessly lost. She certainly felt that way. A sense of bleakness shrouded her… a feeling she’d thought she’d finally gotten past over the last month. He didn’t remember her. He didn’t seem to have any awareness that he’d _ever_ known her. Turning, he headed toward the door of the room. 

“Don’t go,” she heard herself say, a treacherous tear slipping down her cheek. 

The Doctor looked back at her, his eyes still showing no recognition of what she had once been to him. At least, what she _thought_ she’d been to him. Instead, all she found in his eyes were concern and pity. 

“I’ll… make sure the doctor is on his way before I go,” he said, obviously trying to find some way to help her. “Like I said though… call me if you need anything,” he reminded her. “Detective Inspector Alec Hardy,” he added as an afterthought, offering her a smile before he left the room.

Rose’s mind whirled. Alec Hardy? Who the hell was that? And why did he think he was someone else? She looked down at the card in her hand. It read, ‘Detective Inspector Alec Hardy, Broadchurch Law Enforcement. His number followed. Detective Inspector? 

Could it possibly be that this really wasn’t the Doctor? But… he didn’t just _look_ like him. He was indistinguishable, other than surface differences. His hair was a bit longer and lacked the gravity defying quality she’d always known. He also sported a few days facial hair growth. Other than that, she’d not seen anything different in him. Except the complete lack of recognition in his eyes. 

Another tear trickled down her cheek. It wasn’t Him. It couldn’t be. Even if he _had_ managed to cross the void, why would he do so just to pretend he didn’t know her? He wouldn’t. He would had to have known she’d recognize him, after all. No. This wasn’t Him. 

Then a thought struck her. What if it _was_ him… what if he’d managed to cross the void, but it had messed with his memory somehow? What if there was something wrong with him? Oh god… if that’s what happened, where was the TARDIS? 

A thousand questions rolled through her mind, and behind those, emotions roiled. How could this be happening? Why _now_? Now, when she didn’t have him to help her? Now, when she was finally _finally_ trying to move on? 

Maybe it was the universe’s way of torturing her. Sadness threatened to overwhelm her. She just wanted peace. For god’s sake… didn’t she deserve it? She laughed inwardly at the thought. She should know by now that she and the Doctor had rarely gotten what they deserved. Especially the Doctor. He’d deserved so much more than he’d ever gotten. All the man did was give. He gave until it nearly destroyed him. And all the universe had ever done to pay him back was tease him with glimmers of joy, only to pull them away everytime he began to let them seem real to him. Her heart ached. Is that what this was for her? Another false promise offered tauntingly by fate?

A small shimmer of something less dark sparked somewhere deep within her. Where it came from, she wasn’t sure. It was small, and tentative, but not completely foreign. Allowing herself to explore the feeling, she fanned it a bit, only to discover it was the one thing she’d not expected. Not now. Not today. Given the sunlight streaming through the window of the hospital room, she knew she’d slept through the night. Today was the anniversary of his death. This was NOT something that she’d ever dreamed she might feel on this day. It was hope. 

She bit her bottom lip. Hope. A warm feeling bubbled up from that unfamiliar place deep within her and instead of repressing it, as she was tempted to do, she allowed it to build. Hope. It was a warm, golden light, filling the dark recesses of her soul. The places she’d left abandoned when he died. The corners of which had become lifeless and void of feeling. 

What if. What if this was her second...er, third... chance? What if this _was_ the Doctor? If it was, then he needed her. The seed of determination was implanting itself. If he needed her, she would be there for him. Or Him. Any version of Him. She’d promised him on their wedding day that she’d love him for better or worse. For her forever. Under that promise lay another layer. She knew that if it came down to it, she’d take the Doctor in any form, in any universe. Because she’d given her heart to him a long long time ago. 

Of course… she wasn’t a fool. This could be nothing more than a case of mistaken identity. Or worse, it could be Him, but he didn’t want her or would never ever remember her. But she had to take that chance. She needed to know one way or the other. Especially now. This was to be the beginning of the rest of her life. She knew without a doubt that she wouldn’t be able to get on with it until she’d dealt with this. If this man wasn’t the Doctor, she’d move on with her life as she’d promised herself and him that she would. But if he _was_... if this man _was_ the Doctor… 

Well… she honestly didn’t know what would happen next. 

Either way, she knew her life would be in limbo until she found out. And that was not somewhere she planned to live for long.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Alec drove around rather aimlessly, not wanting to go back to the hotel just to pace his room. His encounter with Rose Tyler had been disturbing. For more reasons than he cared to consider, really. 

He’d gone into the bar last night after spending the day with Ellie and the boys. Their lunch had gone from a simple hour long chat to an intense day long affair, culminating in them talking over tea at her place. 

By the end of the day she’d not committed to staying in Broadchurch, but had promised him she’d consider it. He’d acquiesced, reluctantly accepting that she’d need to think it over. He understood the need for time to consider the idea, though his confidence in this being the right decision for her made it difficult to let her take it. He’d returned to the hotel, tired but at least pleased that she’d not dismissed his idea outright. 

He’d needed a drink by the time he got ‘home’ and decided to imbibe before making his way up to his room. Until recently, he hadn’t had much chance to enjoy evening drinks in the bar, but now that he was no longer on duty, he’d decided to do so and had found he enjoyed listening to the locals chat while he sat looking out the window. Occasionally he’d be drawn into a conversation, but more often he simply sat nearby and listened in. There was something cathartic about it. He’d been looking forward to another wind-down drink when he entered the bar last night.

His anticipated bar experience had gone out the window, though, when the woman started choking. Of course, he knew exactly what needed to be done, and he hadn’t been surprised when she started running. It was a typical response to choking, actually. He’d stopped her and tried to administer the Heimlich, but she’d fought him. The urge to run had been strong, and so was she! He’d been surprised that for such a slight woman she had some real power behind her. She’d managed to get herself loose, but unfortunately her balance was off… probably from decreased oxygen… and she toppled forward, hitting her head hard on the corner of a wooden chair as she fell. 

He knew right away she’d have a concussion. The wound itself was bleeding profusely and she’d been close to passing out… though that could’ve been due to the obstruction in her throat. But first thing first… he had to clear her airway. Gathering her up to him so her back was against his chest, he’d positioned his hands on her solar plexus and, using the knuckle of his thumb, he jabbed up and under her sternum in an effort to dislodge the food lodged in her throat. On the first thrust, nothing happened. On the second, he knew he’d broken a rib, but thankfully, the obstruction was pushed up and out, resulting in a rushed intake of air which was followed by a racking cough. 

Relief poured through him. She was breathing. Pulling her to his chest, he instructed Becca to call 999. The woman in his arms murmured something about missing him… he remembered thinking it was an unusual thing to say, but then, she’d been oxygen deprived and had hit her head pretty soundly. It wasn’t long after that that she did actually pass out. 

While he waited for Becca to confirm she’d called for help, he considered the injured woman in his arms. He’d never seen her before now, so she must’ve just arrived in town. She was blonde and attractive, maybe in her early twenties and was maybe five foot four. She was slight… possibly a bit too thin, he thought, though it didn’t decrease her beauty, he considered randomly. Not sure where that thought had come from, he refocused. She was wearing a pair of dark denim jeans with low heeled boots. On top she wore a simple white button up blouse with elbow length sleeves, now sadly soiled with her own blood. She appeared clean cut… maybe a young professional of some sort. Probably worked out, judging from the strength she’d exhibited in her fight with him earlier. 

It didn’t take long before Becca returned, having called for help, and waited with him until the medics arrived. On questioning, Becca confirmed that, yes, the young woman _had_ just arrived this morning. From London, apparently. Rose Tyler was her name. She didn’t know much else about the woman, except that she’d planned to stay at the hotel for a few days at least, she’d said. 

Well this was one hell of a way to start a holiday, he’d mused, looking down at her. She looked remarkably peaceful, and could’ve passed for sleeping, except for the trails of drying blood marring her attractive features. The bleeding seemed to have stopped then, but she had a good amount of it caking her hair just above her forehead. 

It wasn’t long before the ambulance showed up and the professionals had taken over. Alec decided to follow the ambulance in his car, just to be sure she was admitted and tended to appropriately. That, and he hadn’t liked the thought of this young woman waking up in the hospital alone in a strange town. All very valid reasons to accompany her. 

The doctors had done scans and checked her over on their arrival. The CT scan of her head showed no visible brain damage, which meant that if she’d sustained an injury to her brain, at least it had been mild. He found himself sighing in relief. She was so young. The thought of her having to deal with more serious brain injury had had him worried. No… she’d be fine. She’d need rest, but otherwise, there shouldn’t be long term damage.

Relaxing with that thought, he’d settled into the chair next to her bed. They wouldn’t release her until she woke on her own. They’d wanted to monitor her and make sure she came back to consciousness without incident. He’d watched her sleep for quite a while last night, just watching her breathe. He knew he probably appeared pretty creepy to anyone who knew he wasn’t a relative. Which was pretty much everyone who worked there. They all knew him as the D.I. who’d been involved with the Latimer case. Hopefully, they’d just think she was the victim of a crime and he was waiting to question her, or something similar. Odd to think that was a preferable assumption, he had mused. 

He knew at the time that he should just have gone home, really. It wasn’t like she was aware that he was actually beside her, after all. She also had no idea who he was anyway. He was just some random bloke who happened to be sitting beside her bed, as far as she knew. But something about her intrigued him. No. It was more than that. He couldn’t put his finger on it, though. 

Then she had woken up and the bizarre interaction ensued. He’d felt badly that she was so distressed… obviously the injury to her head had left her very confused. He’d wanted to comfort her… especially once he saw her finally unable to contain her tears, but he didn’t really know her, despite her assertions otherwise, and he really wasn’t comfortable assuming a familiarity he didn’t have with her. What would she think of him once she felt better if he _had_ done?

He shook his head, realizing he’d been sitting at a stop sign for too long only once the car behind him beeped its horn. Waving a distracted apology, he eased his car forward once again, chastising himself. For god’s sake, he was going to get himself killed if he continued to drive like this. 

Sighing, he resigned himself to stopping at Ellie’s place. Maybe she’d come to some decision overnight. If nothing else, maybe she’d make him a cuppa. It seems he needed _something_ to help him concentrate and take his mind off the decidedly odd couple of days he was having.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

His visit with Ellie had been positive, with her sharing that she’d been thinking about what he’d said the day before and that she was honestly considering it. Her boys had a life here, after all, and she begrudgingly admitted that she’d already had visitors who’d expressed their support for her. Alec had been pleased to hear it. She’d come round. He knew it now. 

They chatted for a while, sipping tea and watching her youngest play in the living room. All the while, his thoughts kept drifting back to Rose Tyler. His mind kept replaying the conversation with her in the hospital room. She seemed so sure she knew him. Of course, brain injury was no laughing matter. She’d obviously been a bit delirious. Even then… he couldn’t shake the feeling that… well, it sounded completely daft, he knew… but that she was _important_ somehow. 

“Penny for ‘em,” Ellie said finally.

He realized then the room had fallen silent for a bit now. “Oh… uh, just thinking about something happened last night,” he shared. “Bit strange, actually.” 

He took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled slowly before going over the events of the night before. Ellie looked appropriately concerned for the woman and wondered aloud over why she’d come to Broadchurch on holiday this time of year. 

He had to admit, he’d had similar thoughts. It was hardly tourist season, though the ocean view _was_ beautiful year round, it wasn’t the warmest time of year to enjoy it. Then a thought occurred to him. A journalist. That’s who this woman must be. It made sense. Now that the hype had died down a bit over the Latimer case, the media would start to lurk again soon in an effort to get the ‘underlying story’. The touchy-feely side of the tragedy that had torn their town in two. 

The thought made him nauseous. He hated the sick fascination people seemed to have over other people’s pain. And this… this was the really sad part of humanity, because these type of journalists weren’t just there for the facts. They _wanted_ pain. Because pain would sell.

Anger started to bubble inside him. On behalf of the Latimers and on Ellie’s behalf as well. Who did these people think they were? Couldn’t they leave well enough alone?

Just then, his phone rang. He looked at the caller ID. It was the hospital. Looking at Ellie, he gave her a ‘just a moment’ gesture and stood, moving further into the kitchen.

“Hardy,” he said, holding the phone to his ear.

“Uh… yeah, hi… it’s Rose. Rose Tyler from, er… this morning,” the woman’s tentative voice said over the earpiece.

Alec felt tension fill his body. “Yes, hello, Ms. Tyler… what can I do for you?” he said, his voice calm but not overly friendly. 

“I… You said I should call if I needed anything… I just… well, the doctor says I can go home, but, to be honest… I’m not even really sure where that is from here and I was wondering, you know, if you’re not too busy… maybe you could give me a lift back to the hotel?” When silence met her request, she faltered. “Or… I know you’re probably too busy. I just thought maybe… but never mind,” she said. “Sorry for bothering you,” she added. 

She seemed about to hang up, and for some reason something possessed him then. “I, I guess I could come get you. What time are you being released?” he heard himself ask.

“Uh… right away, I think. They said I could go home anytime,” she shared.

“Right. I can be there in about fifteen minutes,” he said, wondering what the hell he was thinking. Why was he even doing this?

“Are you sure? I… I don’t want to impose, though I guess even asking I basically am, aren’t I,” she said with a small insecure laugh. 

“No… that’s fine. I was heading back to the Traders anyhow, and the hospital is on the way. So, I’ll be there around half four then?” he said looking at his watch.

“That’s wonderful,” she answered. “See you then.”

“Um, yeah. See you then,” he said before ringing off. 

“You a taxi service now, then?” Ellie’s voice pulled his attention back to the room.

Alec nodded. “Yeah, I suppose I am. Well, if nothing else, I can at least find out what she’s doing in Broadchurch. And I swear… if she’s a reporter and I’m the one who saved her life… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself,” he grumped. 

Ellie gave him a half smile. “Yeah… I might not ever forgive you either,” she admitted ruefully.

Alec nodded with the truth of that statement. If this woman was a reporter, it wasn’t him who she’d be targeting for the juicy story. It’d be the victims. The Latimers and the Millers. They were the victims. And he’d tear her a new one before he allowed her to get near the people who’d lost so much. They deserved more from the universe than what they’d been dealt and he would see to it they didn’t have to deal with even more cruelty, no matter what fate thought it had in store.


	4. Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For future reference, there will be direct quotes borrowed from one or both of the shows in this crossover. If you spot them, just know that I don’t own them and they didn’t originate from me, but rather, they came from the talented writers of Doctor Who or Broadchurch. 
> 
> Thanks so much to all who are reading and who have commented - I’m so grateful!!!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 4: Reflection

Rose waited anxiously at the entrance to the hospital. It was cool outside and she pulled her coat tightly around her, though not solely to keep out the cold. She’d had to put her soiled shirt back on to leave the hospital… she didn’t have a change of clothes with her obviously… and she knew she looked a bit like a victim of a zombie apocalypse, with dried blood pooled on the otherwise crisp white fabric. 

She’d been glad when the doctor had released her with some painkillers for her head and advice to take it easy for the next couple of days. She’d been worried he’d keep her for another night and that was _not_ what she’d planned for this evening. What she’d planned was to find out more about the man who was calling himself ‘Alec Hardy’. She wasn’t sure _how_ she was going to go about this. It’s not like she’d ever imagined living this scenario before now. ‘Here’s your dead husband… make sure he’s not really a Time Lord from an alternate universe.’ She’d just have to wing it. 

Movement in the drive in front of her pulled her from her musings. It was him. Despite her attempt to ready herself, she couldn’t help her mind and body’s visceral reaction to his presence. Unbidden, her heart began to race. Her Doctor. Or… THE Doctor, she corrected. 

As if spellbound, she watched him climb out of the black Ford… probably a department vehicle, she reasoned. Walking around the car, he opened her door. He nodded in greeting. “Ms. Tyler.” Once again, her jaw dropped. The likeness… really there was no question now. Her musings that this man could possibly be anyone BUT the Doctor were all but erased at the sight of him. It was HIM. She _knew_ it. 

He hadn’t changed much since she’d seen him last, other than the different hairstyle and stubble she’d noted earlier. He _maybe_ looked a bit older. A few more wrinkles around his eyes. God… had it been that long for him? She knew Time Lords aged slowly. If he looked even a bit older, that likely meant it had been many years for him. How long had he been living as this… Alec Hardy person? 

Moving to get in, she watched him out of the corner of her eye and couldn’t help but notice his body was tense and he held a much more detached demeanor than he had this morning. He’d seemed almost… kind… earlier, despite his inability to remember her. Now, though, his eyes seemed distant and closed off. She gave him a little tentative smile before climbing into the vehicle. Closing the door behind her, he walked around and sat behind the wheel. 

“Thank-you for picking me up, Detective,” she said after he settled. “I really appreciate it.”

He merely nodded again and set the car in motion. After a few minutes, Rose decided to try her hand at conversation again. She certainly wasn’t going to find out what had happened to him if they didn’t actually talk. And she was anxious to find out why he was being so different now. Had he remembered something? A sprig of hope bloomed in her. But if he was remembering… why would he be so… distant? Was it something disturbing he was recalling? God knows, the Doctor had enough disturbing events he could possibly be reliving.

She was about to try to say something when his voice cut through the silence. 

“Are you a reporter?” he said, his voice tense.

“What?” The question seemed so random that she almost wanted to laugh. 

Suddenly, the Doctor pulled the car over to the curb and threw it into park. Rounding on her, he pierced her with a stare that she had seen many times. It was the stare that had sent the Sycorax running and the Daleks scrambling. She’d just never seen it directed at her. 

“Now you listen here, Rose Tyler,” he said, his voice deceptively calm and low. “If you’re here to exploit the people in this community to sell some _story_... I’m here to tell you that you might as well turn around and head straight back to London,” he warned ominously. “These people have been through enough. They don’t deserve to be thrown under the bus again so some journalist can stand on their corpses to make herself appear taller in the eyes of the public.”

Rose’s mouth gaped open. He _really_ thought she was a journalist? There was obviously some very traumatic thing that had happened here… and he thought she was here for a _story_. Her mind scrambled to make sense of his tirade, but she couldn’t. She’d been so isolated this last year… she honestly hadn’t turned on the news in months. Oh, she’d watched mindless soaps and the odd reality show, but she made a point of avoiding the news. She felt helpless enough as it was without being reminded of the world’s problems and her inability to do anything about them. 

Finally, finding some words, she responded, “I’m not a journalist.”

The ‘Detective Doctor’s’ reaction was almost comical. He blinked in confusion. Obviously he’d been very sure of his assessment of her. Sitting back, he studied her, his mouth set in a straight line.

She tried again. “I’m from London, but I’m not a journalist. I… I’m in Broadchurch because I’m moving here,” she offered. He continued staring for a moment. “My… I bought a place on the waterfront, but it won’t be ready for a few days, so I’m staying at the Traders.”

The Doctor sat looking at her for a few more seconds. “Oh,” he said, his voice tense.

“Yeah. Just… it’s just that… I needed a change. My husband… he passed away. A year ago today, actually,” she said, hating that emotion had crept into her voice despite her efforts to remain stoic. “He was a _doctor_ ,” she said, looking at him and emphasizing the title. “He was brilliant. Smartest bloke I’d ever met,” she added. “We _travelled_ together...saw the universe, you might say... for a while before we finally settled down.” Studying him, she wondered if talk of the Doctor and their relationship might stir any glimmer of recognition in his eyes. It didn’t. “I… I haven’t been the same… _life_ hasn’t been the same since he passed.” Emotion pressed into her making it difficult to breathe, but she continued. “I wanted to get away… from everything. Just thought Broadchurch looked quaint. Quiet,” she finished, her voice small.

Alec swallowed dryly. Remorse played on his features. “I… uh, I’m sorry. For your loss,” he said, clearly embarrassed by his outburst. “And I’m sorry for… that. What I just said. I thought…well, obviously I thought you were a journalist, come to… well… it doesn’t matter,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

The action took her breath away. It was something she’d seen him do hundreds of times and the reality of his presence all of a sudden made her dizzy. 

Realizing she hadn’t responded to him, she said, “ ‘S alright. It sounds like whatever happened here was pretty horrible. I’m sorry people here have been through a hard time,” she said honestly.

The Doctor looked at her with an almost incredulous expression. She felt she needed to qualify her comment, though she wasn’t sure why. “Haven’t watched much telly this last year. I’m afraid I’m not up on the news.”

“Oh… of course. It’s just… it’s been rather all encompassing around here, is all,” he shared. “I was the D.I. on the case. A young boy was murdered. Really crushed the people here,” he said solemnly. 

“Oh. I’m sorry. Sounds awful,” she said, not sure what else to say. What could you say to something like that?

“Yeah. Anyhow. It’s over now. Killer’s been brought to justice. Just… it’s hard to move on with the media still hovering. And… I just… it’s unusual to have strangers here who aren’t somehow looking to cash in,” he added.

Rose nodded. So he’d been the D.I.? That meant he’d moved up the ranks. They didn’t just take strangers off the street and make them detective inspectors. He had to have been working at least as a D.S. somewhere beforehand. But that meant… that meant he’d have to have been working for law enforcement for a few years at the very least. 

“Anyway… I should probably get you back to the hotel, yeah? I imagine you’re exhausted,” he said, turning back to put the car in drive. 

“Actually,” Rose broached, suddenly a bit panicked that she might not get to spend more time with him, “I’m kinda famished. The hospital food… well, it was pretty disgusting,” she said, crinkling her nose. “Didn’t get much of it down, if I’m honest.”

Alec smiled at that. “I can understand that. Been there myself. Did you just want to get some take out? Or, uh…” he paused, “maybe you want to get something to eat out... together, that is? Unless… I mean… unless you’d _rather_ just pick up something on the way back to the hotel. I’d completely understand… you’ve had a pretty odd couple of days, after all,” he offered nervously.

Rose grinned inwardly. “I’d love to go out with you, if that’s alright. I wouldn’t want to be more of a bother, though. You’re probably swamped at work and such… so don’t feel obligated,” she stated, desperately hoping he’d not change his mind. While she didn’t want him to feel like he _had_ to feed her, she really didn’t want to let him go just yet. What if she didn’t see him again? Not that she could actually let that happen now that she’d found him, she admitted to herself.

His mood clearly lightened. “No… it’s no trouble at all. Just… no chips, aye?” he warned with mock sternness. 

It was Rose’s turn to smile now. “Deal,” she said, allowing herself a tongue touched grin. 

The Doctor’s eyes flitted down to her lips for a moment before drifting back up to her eyes. He seemed at a loss for a moment, but quickly found himself and smiled before turning his attention to the road and pulling out into traffic. 

A wave of guilt flitted through Rose’s stomach. What was she doing? She was _flirting_! Even if this was THE Doctor, it wasn’t HER Doctor. Sure… he looked like him. Even sounded like him. But he wasn’t him. Not her Doctor. No one… not even Him would ever be him again. And he deserved to be remembered respectfully, on today of all days. 

Feeling duly chastised, even if it was by her own mind, Rose sat quietly while they drove. She needed to stay detached. Of course… she knew that would be impossible. But she at least had to try to be somewhat objective here. If she was honest with herself, she needed to admit that this man could be the biggest example of a coincidence that had ever existed. He could be a walking doppelganger and that’s all. But he wasn’t. He was much more. He had to be. Either way...she’d find out. Until she did, though, she knew she had to try to distance herself a bit. Her heart was already shattered. Whatever the outcome of her investigation into this man, she knew the conditions were ripe for a level of pain she’d not even contemplated before now. But it didn’t matter. She had little doubt that she’d soon confirm her suspicions. That this man was the Doctor. So whatever the consequences of that confirmation, she was in this for better or worse.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Despite the Doctor’s warning that she was to avoid chips at all costs, they ended up stopping at a fish and chippy not far from the cafe she’d been in yesterday. 

After ordering, Rose gently pelted him with questions about his life, desperately hoping she wasn’t appearing to be too obvious about her interest in his past. Most of her questions were met with frank honesty, as far as she could tell. And, much to her increasing heartbreak, it appeared as if this man had a very solid history. One that had very much been established on earth. 

According to him, he was born in Falkirk and moved to Glasgow only after becoming a detective sergeant. Rose learned that this is where he’d met his now ex-wife. The news that the man before her had been married threw her for a significant loop and, not surprisingly, it hurt. This information was enough to throw a heartbreaking wrench into her theory that he _was_ the Doctor. Then again, she thought with reignited hope, could it be possible he was making it up? Or perhaps it could be a false memory of some sort? 

It soon became abundantly clear, however, that this was not the case when he pulled out his wallet and showed her a small photo of a young girl. She was maybe 15 years old with deep brown eyes and long, thick chestnut hair. Rose’s heart sank as it simultaneously became mired in sorrow. This child was undoubtedly his. Her name was Sarah. She still lived with her mother apparently, though... ‘Alec’ seemed a bit hesitant to say much more about that. He was obviously fiercely proud of her, as was evident in his chat about her interests and her honours level grades. 

Rose smiled and nodded in, hopefully, all the right places as she listened to him talk. She couldn’t help but feel a growing misery, though, as she allowed his resonant tenor voice to float over her. This man, with HIS face, and HIS voice… this man who she was so sure had been Him… wasn’t. As much as her heart wanted to ignore what her ears were hearing, her mind was treacherously filtering through what he was saying and finding it hard to support her wavering belief. He wasn’t lying about any of it, she could tell. He’d lived a whole life here. On earth. In _this_ universe. The picture of his daughter proved it. Beneath the exterior shell of the Doctor in front of her was merely a human man. A man who seemed to have had a difficult life, though he wasn’t all that forthcoming about what kind of hardships he’d suffered. Nevertheless… they had been _human_ trials he’d faced. He’d suffered through a divorce and was currently separated from his daughter… both painful, undoubtedly. But this man hadn’t lost his entire species. He wasn’t the last of his kind. He was merely human. Not that she meant to downplay his pain. _She_ was merely human as well. But neither of them had had to live what the Doctor had. 

Alec spent time asking her questions as well as they tucked into their meals. He asked her about her move and she talked about the Doctor in as vague a manner as she could without appearing uncommitted to the conversation. She shared that his legal name was ‘John’, but that his nickname had been ‘the Doctor’, and that they’d been married for a year and a half before he passed away. She told him about how they had worked together for her father, though she may have lied about the actual work itself. She could hardly go telling people she and the Doctor worked for a top secret government organization that dealt with aliens, after all. Anyway, Alec had seemed impressed enough that her father was the founder and CEO of Vitex, a prosperous soft drink company in this universe. That part was true. In addition to being the head of Torchwood, he was actually the ‘Vitex King’, and it wasn’t that much of a stretch to add Vitex to her CV. Rose figured she would have to come clean about being related to Pete Tyler, at least, no matter where she ended up. The media had had a field day with her when she’d arrived on the scene as the ‘illegitimate’ daughter of the Vitex king, and she figured she would be recognized as such sooner or later. A spark of recognition may have lighted in his eyes at the reference to Vitex, but she couldn’t be sure. Her picture had been in the papers a lot for the first couple of years in this universe, so that context of familiarity would make sense. 

Soon, the sky outside the window of the restaurant was sporting the purples and oranges it tended to put on for this time of day, and as much as she hated to admit it, Rose was getting pretty tired. Her head was starting to throb again, still recovering from the substantial assault it had suffered the evening before. 

Noticing her wince, Alec said, “I suppose we’d better get you back to the hotel soon. You’ve got headache, I can tell,” he said wisely, taking out his credit card.

“Yeah… I have to admit… I could use a kip,” she shared. “But I’m payin’ for my meal, Detective. You’ve done far too much already,” she said dutifully.

He offered a small smile at that and said, “You can call me Alec. And I’m paying, since I’m the one who offered to take you out in the first place. So no arguing,” he chided, picking up the bill.

Rose laughed a bit. “Yes, sir, Detective...I mean, Alec,” she said in mock obedience. His name felt odd on her lips, especially while looking at that so familiar face, but even as she said it, she knew she was admitting it fully to herself. He wasn’t the Doctor. 

Alec smirked a smile back. “Cheeky,” he mumbled as he turned to look for the waitress. 

Settling the bill, Alec helped Rose out of the booth, saucily citing her apparent need for assistance in keeping her balance as well as eating, and led her out to the street. The evening was windy and even cooler than the day had been, and Rose was thankful when they climbed into the car and out of the cold breeze. Alec turned on the heat and eased out to drive them back to the Traders. 

The drive back to the hotel was light hearted and Rose wondered if he was usually like this. Kind of… cheery. She hadn’t gotten that impression early today, but then, he’d thought she was a threat to the people he cared about, which would put anyone off. Kind of reminded her of someone else she’d known. That fierce need to protect what was right. She sighed.

Misreading her loud exhale, Alec piped up, “Almost there. Only a few more minutes before you’re lying in bed,” he said. Suddenly he seemed to realize what he’d said could possibly be taken out of context. “Sleeping,” he added quickly.

Rose’s lips quirked up. He was a bit shy, which was refreshing. “Yeah… I’m pretty knackered,” she agreed, letting him off the hook. “What about you? You heading to bed soon?” she asked, not meaning to sound suggestive, but realizing it may well have come across that way. 

Alec blushed a bit and scratched the back of his neck… obviously a thing he did when he wasn’t comfortable. “I, uh… I’ll probably read. Got some… reading to do,” he stammered.

Just then, they pulled up to the hotel. Alec parked and got out to let Rose out of her door. Chivalrous. She liked that. 

Walking into the hotel together, Becca caught them from her vantage point at the front desk. “Ms. Tyler! How are you feeling? I’m so sorry you were hurt yesterday!”

Rose blushed, bringing her hand subconsciously to her head. “Yeah… bit of a bonk, but I’m alright. Just got a headache for my troubles,” she added, gingerly patting the injured front of her head. 

“I imagine! Poor thing. Well, listen… we offer a full english breakfast in the morning… feel free to join in on the house, yeah?”

“Thanks. That’s very kind,” Rose nodded, smiling.

Suddenly, she realized Alec had sidled up beside her and had his hand on the small of her back. “Can I walk you to your room?” he asked, his voice a bit nervous.

Looking up into his eyes, she found herself taken aback. He was anxious, she could tell, but there was something else there. “Uh… sure. That would be nice. Thanks, Alec,” she said, offering him a small smile. 

With her acceptance his eyes dropped to the ground before them and they started making their way up the stairs to her room. The soft pressure of his hand on her back actually felt something more like the feeling of smouldering embers, warming her and spreading to the rest of her body. It was something she hadn’t felt since…

She sucked in a breath and pulled away from his touch. They were close to her door now and she felt a burning need to run to it, throw it open and dive inside without looking back. “I… Thank-you, Alec… I appreciate the food, and you driving me. That was kind of you,” she said, willing herself to turn and look at him. 

A look of concern passed over him, but it was quickly replaced by a look of studied nonchalance. Her quick retreat from his touch hadn’t gone unnoticed it seemed. “Sure. No problem. I, uh… hope you feel better soon,” he added, standing a bit awkwardly in front of her. 

“Thanks. Well… I should…” Rose gestured to the door.

“Oh. Right. I should get back as well,” he said, looking over his shoulder, presumably toward his room.

“Okay… good-night then, Detec-… Alec,” Rose said, opening her door.

“Good-night, Rose,” he said as he backed away toward his room.

Rose slipped into her room, closed the door and turned on the lights. Leaning against the door, she took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She suddenly felt badly that she’d reacted to his touch the way she had. It wasn’t like he had been making a pass at her, after all. He was merely being friendly. 

Analyzing it further, she knew it was her own tactile memories that had lead to her reaction. Her Doctor used to do something similar - guiding her along places with his hand gently touching the small of her back. It made sense that that particular touch would spark memories, she told herself. It was this day, one year ago, that the Doctor died. It had been the worst day of her life. Of course she wasn’t thinking straight today. Would anyone be in her position? Then, seeing Alec here… looking and sounding like the man she had given her life to… it made sense her body would react the way it did. 

Deciding that she didn’t need to harbour guilt about how her treacherous body had reacted, she tried to let it go. She hadn’t betrayed the Doctor’s memory. If anything, her body merely reinforced the fact that she still longed for him. And that was alright. He’d been her best friend and lover. And he was gone. She missed him. She always would. That’s what her reaction had been about. 

Shucking her boots and stained clothes, she headed to the loo to wash up for bed. She really _was_ knackered and her head felt like it needed a boatload of painkillers just to take the edge off the pounding ache pulsing through it. Looking in the mirror, though, she was surprised at the face that was reflected there. It wasn’t as haggard as she’d been used to seeing it. In fact, she even seemed to have a bit of a glow. Smiling a bit, the reflection did the same, emphasizing the faint … (dare she even think it?)… positive energy she was exuding. 

She was going to be able to do this. Tilting her head back and closing her eyes, she sent a silent thank-you to her Doctor. He was watching over her. She knew it. He had to be. Because only _he_ had ever been able to make her feel like there was a reason for it all. That there was hope for the future.


	5. Date

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 5: Date 

The next few days were spent organizing and getting ready for the move. She and her mother had packed up her place before she’d left, and she’d given most of it to charity, despite Jackie’s protestations that she should at least keep the stuff in storage in case she needed it one day. What her mother didn’t understand was that Rose didn’t _want_ the stuff. She was only holding onto what she considered necessities and some of the mementos she and the Doctor had accumulated since they’d been together. Everything else needed to go. She needed to move on, and that meant letting go of things that were weighing her down. 

As for Alec Hardy, she’d not seen him since their ride the other night, but not originally by choice on her part. The day after he’d driven her back to the hotel, she’d hoped she’d run into him by accident… possibly in the halls or in the lobby, but she hadn’t. She considered knocking on his door, but decided it might look too forward if she did that. Besides, it wasn’t like she really had a _need_ to see him again. She’d run the evening they’d spent together over and over again in her head and each time had come to the same conclusion. He was human. Plain and simple. There was really only one more way she’d be able to know without a doubt, but she hadn’t had the opportunity to explore that avenue yet. And really, she was pretty sure she didn’t need anymore evidence. 

He had a daughter who was clearly in her teens. That meant, if he actually _was_ the Doctor, that he had been here for at least the last sixteen or seventeen years… meeting his ex-wife, getting her pregnant and having a baby. If that was the case, he’d have had to have crossed his own timeline to land here to bring her and her Doctor to the beach. Could he even _do_ that? She supposed he probably could, but then, why would he not have recognized her? She’d seen him regenerate, after all. This incarnation of him had known her from the beginning. Why wouldn’t he know her now?

No. It wasn’t him. She was positive. And in her heart, she knew what that meant. It meant it was time to move on. She’d promised herself she would. She understood now that he was human… a man who merely looked like someone she had loved. Knowing that he wasn’t the embodiment of the last possible hope she had of spending her life with the Doctor was a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, now that she was faced with it. For that reason, the more she thought about it, the more she figured that spending more time with him was really a terrible idea, all around. Alec was a carbon copy of her husband… in looks at least. If she allowed herself to spend time with him, she was sure it would only prolong her grief. He wasn’t her husband and he never would be. On top of that… spending time with him… it might look like she was interested in more, and the last thing she wanted was to lead him on. It would be unfair to him and to her as well.

So in an effort to keep her mind occupied, she’d filled her last couple of days by rerouting her mail, visiting the local B&Q to order renovation materials and supplies, ordering take-out, and _not_ thinking any more about Alec Hardy. She’d avoided the bar downstairs, mostly out of embarrassment for her last visit, but also because she didn’t want to run into Alec before she was ready now that she’d made up her mind not to seek him out.

This morning she woken early feeling a bit giddy. One more day until she had possession of the house and two until her furniture was delivered. She already planned to spend all day tomorrow painting, but during a quick call to her agent last night she found out the soon to be ex-owners had no problem with her coming in a day early to start painting if she wanted to. That meant she might even be able to paint the whole place in time, she inwardly celebrated. 

Deciding she wanted to get an early start, she threw her hair in a messy bun and donned a pair of worn jeans and an old hoodie. She knew she should grab something to eat even though she wasn’t really hungry. She wasn’t going to gain back any weight if she continued to avoid feeding herself. God… who needed their mother around when even her own _mind_ was starting to nag her. 

She was stepping out into the hall and planning where she would stop on the way to the house when she heard the soft click of a door closing just down the corridor. Turning her head, she caught site of Alec who’d also just stepped out of his room. He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a blue jumper with a jacket overtop. He looked… 

Rose swallowed. He looked gorgeous. She sighed inwardly. Of course he was gorgeous. He looked like her husband. 

“Good morning,” he said a bit awkwardly. 

“Morning, Detective,” she said, putting on a friendly smile. She’d hoped she would be able to escape the hotel again today without running into him, but there he was. Standing there, all… gorgeous. That word again. Well… best get this overwith. She planned to be friendly but firm if he suggested getting together again. She’d just explain that it was the anniversary of her husband’s passing and that she realized she needed more time before she considered… anything new. Seemed fair enough, and hopefully it wouldn’t make him feel badly. It wasn’t _his_ fault he was drop dead... gorgeous … and looked uncannily like the most attractive alien that ever lived, after all.

“Oh, it’s Detective again, is it?” he said lightly, smiling crookedly. “What happened to ‘Alec’?”

“Sorry,” Rose blushed, biting her lip. God… did she just bite her lip again? She knew she was subconsciously flirting when she did that. The Doctor used to point it out on a regular basis - he’d blame her for turning him into a randy sod by purposely biting her lip or tongue when she _knew_ he couldn’t hold himself back when she did that. She _hadn’t_ known it at first, but after he pointed it out, she certainly had started doing it more often just to drive him mad. Schooling her teeth, she pressed her lips together in a decidedly non-flirtatious manner. 

“No problem,” he said, allowing a half grin. “Just don’t do it again,” he warned, darkly. 

A deep bloom of warmth spread through her belly and spread downward with his words. She swallowed dryly once again. “Uh… yeah,” she smiled back, sounding like a complete plum.

“So… I was wondering,” Alec started, stuffing his hands deep in his pockets and taking a few steps closer, “what you might be doing tonight? I, uh, was thinking maybe, if you weren’t too busy, we could get a bite again?” he said hopefully.

Anxiety flew through her. He was asking her on a date. A proper date. There really was no way she could explain away going out with him again as just him doing her a favour by getting her food. He was actually doing this properly… asking shyly but confidently enough. But she couldn’t. Not after what she’d decided. She’d told herself she needed to move on. This was what _she wanted_. To stride ahead and look back only to relive fond memories. She needed to dive into fresh waters, not continue to drown in the dark ocean she’d been treading water in for so long now. She needed to fill her eyes with new sights and her ears with new sounds. And Alec Hardy… he could be none of those things for her. She knew that. 

But that didn’t change her answer.

“I’d love to,” her treacherous voice blurted out. 

The look of trepidation that had been marring his handsome features left his face then and was replaced with a pleased smile. “Wonderful! Should I just meet you here at, say... half-six?” he asked.

“Sounds perfect,” her voice said again.

“That’s… that’s great,” he said, clearly relieved but obviously trying to look casual. “See you then,” he said before turning and moving down the hall toward the stairs. 

Rose watched him until he disappeared around the corner, then leaned her forehead against the door. Moving her head an inch or so away from the hard surface, she lightly, and repeatedly thunked her head against the wood. What was she _thinking_???

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The day went by quickly, with both bedrooms completely finished and the living room and kitchen both covered in their first coat of fresh paint. She’d decided to go for a sunny yellow in the workroom and a crisp white in the bedroom. She planned to accent the room with deep blue pillows and such to remind her of the TARDIS. 

Standing in the bedroom now, surveying her work, she considered her choice of accenting the room with TARDIS blue accessories. She wondered if by doing so she was only trying to hang onto the past. Then again, while of course she wanted to move on, that didn’t mean she didn’t wasn’t allowed to have reminders of the things she’d loved. And she’d loved that old blue box more than she’d ever even admitted to the Doctor. Either Him or him. She’d never really had the chance to tell her first Doctor how much the TARDIS had meant to her, and when she ended up in this universe, she didn’t have the heart to talk to him much about how much she missed the old girl. He ached for her everyday, she knew, and he didn’t need her reminding him of his loss. But that never diminished the kinship she felt for the ship or the sense of sadness she felt when thinking of how very far away she was now. It had been much more to her than merely a ship, after all. She’d actually bonded with her. On a level she sometimes thought the Doctor himself hadn’t really understood. 

Back when she travelled with the her first Doctor in their universe, the TARDIS had sometimes pressed vague feelings at her. The Doctor once explained that she rarely did that with his companions and that she must be ‘special’ somehow. He’d seemed rather impressed at the time, if she remembered right. After she’d looked into the heart of the magnificent ship, though… when she’d been trying to get back to the Doctor after he’d sent her away from the Game Station… that’s when she really began sensing the presence of the TARDIS in her head. At first the feelings merely became more intensified. By the time she left, however, she often felt the TARDIS’s reassuring hum in the back of her mind and she could’ve sworn she’d received the occasional image that hadn’t been from her own thoughts. Sometimes, even though she was a whole universe away, she imagined she could still _feel_ her in the back of her head, reassuring her and encouraging her during the hard times.

And hard times had been constant during this past year. During the worst of them, she’d often close her eyes and picture herself in the TARDIS, listening to the thrum of the time rotor and the reassuring buzz of the ship. It was during those terrible times she was sure the TARDIS was somehow reaching for her from across the void. It was like she somehow knew her ex-passenger simply wasn’t going to make it without her. In the back of Rose’s consciousness, she was sure she felt a warm glow… seeping into her… filling her with strength. She always felt refreshed after ‘communing’, as she’d come to think of it. Whether the experience was real… that she was really somehow connecting with the miraculous time ship from across the void… or whether it was merely in her mind and she was somehow connecting to her inner ‘Bad Wolf’... the part of her that had joined with the TARDIS all those years ago… she knew those times were important for her soul. The TARDIS had been, and still was, really, a huge part of her life. She didn’t have to give up the good to get away from the bad, did she? She thought not.

So TARDIS blue accents it was to be, she decided, smiling as she pictured her bed against the wall covered in a starched white duvet and deep blue pillows.

Surveying the room, she caught a small patch in the corner she’d missed on the second pass of the roller. Damn it. 

Slopping more paint on it, she rolled over the offending section and then stood back again to look at it. Better. Looking down at the roller full of white paint, she considered whether she had time to get the second coat done in the living room before she had to leave. She’d have to change rollers and wash the brushes again before she did. Looking at her watch, she blinked. Holy shit. Five o’clock! She was meeting Alec at the hotel at half six and she hadn’t even cleaned up here yet!

Jumping up, Rose put the lid on the paint bucket and pounded it down before grabbing up the dirty brushes and running downstairs with them. Throwing them in the sink, she did her best to divest them of the white paint they’d been soaking in and left them on a newspaper on the kitchen floor to dry. 

It would take her fifteen minutes to get back to the hotel and up to her room if she legged it and if she didn’t fuss too much she might be able to get looking somewhat presentable by the time Alec knocked on her door.

A niggling guilt played at the back of her mind regarding the fact that she found she really cared what she looked like this evening. She told herself it was because she was just tired of looking frumpy all the time and that she thought she’d feel better inside if she looked better on the outside as well. Yeah… that’s what it was, she assured herself.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Forty minutes later, Rose stood in front of her bathroom mirror, applying her pink lippy. She’d gotten back to the hotel in record time, jumped in the shower, threw her hair up into something presentable, allowing a few strands to fall, curling against her shoulders and face, and had applied a bit of colour to her cheeks and eyes. 

Trying to decide what to wear had been the most difficult part of this enterprise, mostly because she was so reticent to admit it was a date. Which it was, she admonished herself. Of course it was. He’d asked her, very clearly, on a date. She took a deep breath, studying her reflection. In the end, she’d chosen a sleeveless square-necked turquoise knee length dress with a pair of black heels. She wasn’t quite sure exactly where this date was taking place, but she hoped the dress was ‘middle of the road’ enough to pass for dressy or casual. She had bought it for a Vitex banquet that was held before the Doctor had gotten his diagnosis. She’d only worn it once and he’d quite liked it. In fact, she could still vividly picture his initial reaction when she’d come out of the room wearing it. She recalled his eyes visibly darkening as they raked over her. What she remembered even more vividly, however, was his helpfulness in _removing_ said dress, with his fingers playing over the deep neckline and over the swell of her breasts before he...

A sick guilty feeling pulsed through her. What was she _thinking_? The memory of the last time she’d worn this dress had come unbidden and made her want to run to the closet and exchange it for something else. Was she secretly hoping an evening in this dress would end like the last time she’d worn it? A knot settled in her throat as panic laced through her body, making her eyes well with tears. How could she? What on god’s green earth was she _doing_?! It was too soon! And… and Alec was… was HIM. Well, not Him, him… but he might as well be as far as her tattered heart was concerned. What she was doing was ludicrous! Not to mention stupid and foolish. How did she possibly think this could end well? 

Just then, a knock came at the door to her room. Oh god! He was here already? She looked at her watch. Of course he was. He was a cop, for god’s sake. Weren’t they always on time? Hastily wiping a tear that had fallen on her cheek, she said too shakily for her own liking, “Just a mo,” before dabbing a tissue under her eyes to sweep up the remaining moisture there. Damn it. Damn it damn it. 

Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm herself. She had to open the door. She had to. But… he was on the other side, she worried, stupidly. And what if… what if she lost it? What if she couldn’t go through with this?

Gripping the sides of the sink, she made herself look up into the mirror. She looked terrified. Oh god. No. She could do this. He’d asked her out, and she’d stupidly agreed, so she would just suck it up and go through with it. At the end of the night she’d simply tell him what she’d resolved to tell him earlier before she’d idiotically answered ‘yes’ to his offer of a date. She’d tell him ‘thanks, but I can’t right now’. Simple as that. Steeling herself, she tried out a smile in the mirror. It didn’t look nearly as natural as the last time she tried this, but it didn’t look ridiculous either.

Moving to the door, Rose gripped the handle with her sweaty palm and took a deep breath. Pulling open the door, her breath caught. Before her stood Alec, holding a single pink daisy. He was wearing a grey suit and a burgundy tie, and he looked stunning. Looking at him was enough to nearly stop her heart, but it was _him_ looking at _her_ that had her reeling. On seeing her, his eyes widened appreciatively and his jaw dropped just a bit. His gaze seemed to involuntarily drop to her chest and linger there for a moment before it resumed it’s path downward. He came to his senses a moment later and appeared to make an effort to raise his eyes to meet hers. 

“Um… Hi,” Rose got out, tamping down the rising blush she was cultivating. His eyes were so… encompassing.

Alec swallowed audibly. “Hi,” he said a bit quietly, almost breathily. He looked a bit nervous, which she found really quite endearing. She knew how he felt. Tonight, anyway. There weren’t many people who would categorize Rose Tyler as ‘shy’, but she was beginning to understand the anxiety that seemed to accompany that quality in a person. She was currently exuding it, she was sure. 

“Uh… come in… I just have to get my clutch,” Rose said, moving aside. Accepting her offer with a soft ‘Thanks’, he stepped through the door and waited while she retrieved her purse from the table across the room.

Moving back toward him, he held the flower out to her as she approached. “You, uh… you look lovely,” he said bravely, as she took the flower from him. 

A little butterfly took flight in Rose’s stomach. She smiled a bit at the compliment. “Thank-you. You look… amazing,” she smiled. “Very handsome.” 

She kicked herself then. So much for not flirting. God. But LOOK at him.

Exactly. LOOK at him, the conscience on her shoulder chided. The look of him is exactly why you shouldn’t be LOOKING at him at all!

Alec seemed a bit flustered with her compliment, and once again, something in her bloomed. He was quite unaware how attractive he was, she suddenly realized. Wow. That was something she hadn’t considered anyone who looked like him might ever feel. Now she _definitely_ knew he wasn’t the Doctor, she grinned inwardly. He’d always known this incarnation of himself was a bit pretty. She shook her head at the memory. 

And then quickly tamped it down. Not the time to be thinking about the Doctor. Not while you’re currently about to go on a date with someone who could be his twin, she reprimanded herself.

Suddenly aware she was still holding the flower in her hand, she gestured to it, “I should… I’ll just put this in water and then we can go,” she suggested. “ ‘S lovely,” she added, lifting the flower to her nose. It smelled fresh and sweet. 

Alec nodded, quirking a smile. “I was going to buy you a Rose, but… well, I’m sure you’ve received too many of those in your day,” he said, a bit unsure.

Rose grinned. “Yeah… a few. This is perfect,” she smiled, realizing belatedly that her tongue had snuck out between her teeth. Turning, she searched the room for something to put the flower in, but came up empty. It wasn’t like they kept spare vases in the rooms for guests just in case. Spotting an empty glass water cup in the loo, Rose decided it would have to do, and filled it with water. Placing it under the mirror on the table across from the bed, she put the end of the stem in it and leaned the rest of the flower against the wall to help it stay up. There. She took one last brief sniff of the delicate bloom and turned to find Alec looking at her a bit dazedly. She realized then that she’d had to lean over a bit to smell the flower, and had probably unintentionally given him a bit of a view of her bottom through the form fitting dress. Oops. 

“Uh…” he said, his voice a bit raspy, “should we go?” he suggested, maybe in an effort to distract from his apparent ogling. 

“Sure,” Rose responded, her own voice betraying a bit of aroused energy, despite her best intentions. Grabbing her jacket, she was about to put it on when Alec stepped in.

“Let me help you with that,” he said, his honeyed voice playing over her, making her feel rather warm again. Taking her jacket from her, he opened it and moved around behind her to help her into it. He didn’t actually touch her, but his proximity was enough to make butterflies take flight in her stomach.

“Thanks,” she said, now a bit uncomfortable with her reaction. For heaven’s sake… she was reacting like a love-sick teenager! And this definitely wasn’t how she’d wanted her body to react to him. She just had to keep reminding herself that he was essentially a stranger. A really, _really_ good looking stranger. That’s all. 

Alec opened the door for her and stepped aside so she could leave the room first. He really was quite gallant… another way this man was definitely _not_ the Doctor. Not that the Doctor hadn’t been thoughtful. He had. He just had never gotten hung up on gender specific traditions, really. 

They made their way down the stairs and out to Alec’s car. “So where are we going?” Rose asked after they pulled out of the drive. 

“I thought I could take you for dinner at a little Italian place first. People actually drive here from neighbouring towns just for their menu,” he elaborated hopefully.

“Sounds perfect,” Rose smiled. “Wait… you said ‘first’. Does that mean you have something else planned?” she asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

“Well…” he smiled, obviously quite chuffed with himself, “you’ll just have to wait and see, Ms. Tyler. For now… let’s just say… I thought I could show you the best of Broadchurch, aye?” 

Rose laughed. “Alright, fine. I like a good surprise as much as anyone,” she smiled. 

They drove along in comfortable silence for a minute or two before she asked, “So how long have you been in Broadchurch?”

Alec’s brows furrowed. “Well, it’s been about six months now. So not long, really. Was sort of… transferred here. Wasn’t my first choice in locales, but it was probably the best thing for me if I’m honest. Glasgow was… well, it was stressful living there,” he said, his voice trailing off. 

“I imagine any larger centre would be more stressful in your line of work,” Rose agreed.

“Mmm” Alec confirmed, nodding, but not elaborating further. “What about you? You said you and your husband travelled for a few years. What made you decide to settle down?” he asked, assuming he was bringing up a lighter topic.

Rose shifted in her seat a bit. “We, uh… sort of got caught up in work for a while. Then he got sick. We didn’t have a chance to travel after that,” she said, sadness creeping into her voice despite her attempts to keep it light. 

“Oh. I’m sorry,” he said. The car fell silent for a few minutes. Just as Rose was about to break the silence, they pulled up in front of ‘Vita Bella Bistro’. It was a quaint looking place with a patio, though no one was currently on it given the cool weather.

Alec looked over at Rose and gave her a small smile before stepping out of the car. She was reaching for the door handle when he pulled the car door open from the outside. Offering her his hand, he helped her out of the car and closed the door behind her. Moving to walk beside her, he seemed about to put his hand on her back, but thankfully thought better of it, Rose noted. She wasn’t quite ready to have to deal with that kind of proximity right now. The wind had picked up a bit while they had been driving and there was definitely a chill in the air. She was grateful when they reached the door of the dimly lit restaurant and Alec ushered her inside.

He apparently had made a reservation… how he’d gotten one on such short notice, though, she wasn’t sure, as the place was packed. They were seated quickly and Alec pulled out her chair and settled her in it before setting in across from her. Sitting quietly for a few moments, both taking slightly awkward looks out the large window they were seated beside, Rose decided to open up a bit. They seemed to be at a bit of an impasse, with him reluctant to bring up her husband, and her avoiding discussing his ex-wife, whom she assumed was the real reason Glasgow had been a stressful place for him. She might as well be the one to make conversation, first. After all, she’d only very recently decided she was a bit shy, so the title hadn’t yet stuck.

She cleared her throat before saying, “You… you were asking me about travelling,” she said, somewhat awkwardly restarting the conversation she’d all but closed down earlier. “I think we probably would have,” Rose said, pulling her water glass closer to her. “If he hadn’t have gotten sick. The Doctor always said he wanted to keep travelling. See more of the world with me,” she said wistfully. “He wasn’t one to sit still for long, my Doctor,” she added looking up at Alec. “He told me our first… uh, next visit would have to be to Canada. He couldn’t believe what they’re doing to their forests over there. Said we’d have to convince them to quit logging before it got out of hand like it did in our… like it has in other places,” she amended quickly.

Alec smiled. “He sounds like he was quite a force to be reckoned with.”

“You have _no idea_ ,” Rose agreed, inwardly smirking. After a comfortable few moments, Rose asked, “What about you? Have you done any travelling?”

Alec grimaced. “Not really. Just the standard filler year, but I’ve never been abroad. I daresay maybe someday I’ll give it a go,” he added, a bit quickly, Rose noticed. “Just… Beverly never wanted to travel, really. She was always a homebody. Of course, we were young when we met, and then… well, we both had our plans to work in law enforcement. I guess it was never really a priority for either of us,” he mused. He took a deep breath before adding, “Wish I had when I was younger, though. I worry it’s a bit late for me now,” he said, almost wistfully.

“What? Of course it’s not. You’re… what? Thirty… four? Thirty-five? It’s a far cry from too late, Alec,” she admonished. 

Alec looked up at her, his eyebrows lifting. “You think I’m thirty-five?” he asked, the pitch of his voice rising slightly. “I’d like to say you’re right, but my nose would grow about four feet for lying. No… I’m a fair sight older than that now, I’m afraid,” he said a bit gruffly. 

“How old are you, then?” Rose asked, now intrigued. Not that it mattered at all to her. She’d spent years with a 900 and some year old alien, after all, but just for the sake of interest…

Alec looked at her ruefully, now looking a bit flustered. “‘I’m forty-two,” he said, looking her squarely in the eyes, obviously looking for any indication that she might want to get up and leave.

Rose smiled. He really was sweet. He seemed truly worried that she’d scamper after receiving such horrid news. Forty-two. Pfffft. Now, One _thousand_ and forty-two… 

His expression seemed to relax a bit when he realized she wasn’t disgusted. “And… may I ask how old you are, Ms. Tyler? You know… seeing as I’ve just shared such… sensitive information with you?” he added.

Rose giggled. “How old do you _think_ I am?” she responded, tucking her tongue in her teeth. 

“Oh… now that’s not fair, and you know it. If I guess any younger than I _think_ you are, then I might as well arrest myself for interfering with a minor, and if I guess any older than you are, I’m asking for a slap. All around, I think I’m not in any position to be asked to answer that question,” he said indignantly.

Rose laughed now. “Alright… fair enough. Reckon it really _wasn’t_ a fair question. I’m twenty-six. Be twenty-seven in April. There. Now don’t say I never shared anything personal with ya!” she giggled.

Alec smiled. “Blimey. Twenty-six. That’s… young, aye?” he said, looking a bit concerned. 

Rose blew air through her lips. “Not _that_ young. Anyway… I’ve lived a bit. Seen a few things in my life. So I’m not really that young. I don’t feel that young sometimes,” she said, only realizing the real truth of that statement after having said it.

Alec let that sit for a minute. “No. I suppose you don’t,” he said softly, reaching his hand out to cover the one she’d had tucked around her water glass.

An entire field of butterflies took flight in her stomach then and her breath caught. Staring down at their hands, she felt an overwhelming panicky need to pull away from him. To withdraw quickly and apologize. But against her better judgement she left her hand where it was. His hand was warm… a fair bit warmer than hers even. Another confirmation that this man was human. Not that she was really debating that any longer. The feeling of his skin on hers was… close to overpowering, but manageable. But… _why_? Why was she trying ….or even _wanting_... to manage it? Shouldn’t she be pulling away? Oh yes. She should. No doubt. Right? 

Alec seemed to sense her inner conflict and pulled his hand away before she was able to decide. Opening his menu, obviously to pull attention away from the previous moment, he said, “I’ve been here a couple of times, but I’m not much of an adventurous eater, I’m afraid, so I can’t personally recommend anything but the Lasagna. Eillie Miller… she was my D.S., she’s tried everything on the menu though, I think, and she’s not complained about anything on it,” he said conversationally.

Grabbing the chance to talk about something other than her past, she said, “So she used to be your D.S.? Did she retire or something?” Rose asked, now opening her own menu.

“Uh… no, not really. She’s actually on leave right now. It was… well, it was her husband who was responsible for murdering the boy I told you about,” he said, now clearly uncomfortable. “So… I’m sure you can imagine, she needed some time…” he trailed off.

“Oh my god,” Rose said, her mouth slightly agape. “I’m sorry. I mean… for her. But didn’t you say she was working the case with you? And it was _her_ husband… the one who… Oh my god,” she finished, sickened.

“Yeah. Ellie’s still reeling because of it. She’s got two boys… one was Danny’s friend. The boy who was murdered. Tragic,” he murmured.

“That poor woman,” Rose said, mostly to herself. The idea that you could live with someone… day after day, and find out they had been… God.

“Yeah,” Alec reiterated. “She’s… she’s a good person. Nothing like this should ever happen to anyone. Certainly not to someone like her. She’s always been a pillar in this community. Was born here, got married here, had kids here. She even took a career here so she could serve the town… and then this.”

Rose sat quietly for a moment. She understood the feeling of having something senseless happen to you… something you had no control over. It had happened to her many times, in fact. The healing… god. And she thought _she’d_ had it hard. It was one thing when your husband died. It was quite another when he was alive, but for all intents and purposes had never been the person you thought you’d married. She shuddered. 

“I’d like to meet her,” she suddenly said, surprising herself. But she did. She _did_ want to meet her. Ellie was probably feeling so alone right now. Rose remembered that horrid feeling… knowing that no one could possibly understand what she was going through. Maybe if Ellie knew that others were grieving as well… of course, it wasn’t the same, but knowing someone else could maybe understand on some level… and seeing that it was possible eventually to move on… maybe Rose could help. 

Alec blinked, seemingly considering her idea. “You know… I think she’d like to meet you,” he said honestly. “It might be nice for her to meet someone who hasn’t had a vested interest in the case,” he added. 

Rose smiled. “Perfect! Maybe you could introduce us? I’m in my new place tomorrow, but I won’t have furniture or anything until the day after… and then there’s the unpacking… hmmm. Yeah… maybe we could try for next week sometime?” she suggested.

Alec smiled. “She’d like that. I’ll see if she’s up for it then,” he grinned. 

The rest of the meal passed easily, with Alec sharing more stories of his daughter and Rose introducing him to pictures of her little brother, who was one person she was really truly missing right now other than her late husband. They swapped amusing stories about the kids and both of them had more than a couple of good ones. The meal ended with them both laughing, which was more cathartic than Rose was even able to understand. She had a sense that it was the same for Alec as well. 

After their few chats, she still felt like she didn’t know much about him… she was sure there was something substantial going on for him in his life, but she hadn’t yet plucked up the courage to start probing. But she was actually enjoying herself, and she didn’t want to give up the carefree feeling she was basking in at the moment. She knew it wouldn’t last. Not yet. But God it felt good and she wasn’t quite ready to let it go.

Finally, the bill came and this time Rose insisted she pay half. Alec seemed genuinely put out by this, but grudgingly let her help settle it. 

That done, the two climbed back into the car. Patting her lap with both hands, Rose said, “So… I got the impression you had something else planned besides dinner?” Rose said as un-suggestively as she could. She didn’t want him thinking she was suggesting a romp back at the hotel or anything. 

“Aye, I do,” he grinned shyly.

“Care to share?” Rose said, a bit saucily. 

Alec put both hands on the steering wheel and looked out the front window, thinking. “How about I just show you?” he suggested.

Rose bit her bottom lip. He was up to something. The rational, responsible part of her hoped it was going to involve something somewhere public, but a larger, definitely irresponsible part of her actually hoped it might be something that didn’t involve lots of other people. “Alright,” she agreed, smiling at him. Whatever it was, she was just secretly happy it didn’t involve taking her home just yet. She was truly enjoying herself for the first time in a very long time.

“Off we go then,” he grinned, happily. Rose grinned back, unable to stop the pleasure inside her from showing on her face. It took only five minutes before Alec pulled over into a carpark near the beach. 

“Wait here,” he said, climbing out of the car. The beach?

Opening her door, he offered his hand to help her out of the car. Accepting it, she got out and looked around. They were on the beach. The wind had died down a bit, thankfully, but it was still quite cold. “I thought maybe you’d like to see the ocean at night under the full moon,” Alec said. “I imagine you hadn’t had a chance to see that yet.”

The beach. God… they had come to the _beach_. Looking up at the night sky, her eyes were filled with the tiny luminescent stars dotting the blackness above. _This is_ you _, isn’t it?_ she whispered in her head. He _was_ watching her from beyond. He had to be. And he wanted her to be happy. _Oh, my Doctor,_ she called to him again in her mind. _I miss you. So much. Thank-you for this. Thank-you for being with me and helping me move on. I love you_.


	6. Attraction

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 6: Attraction

He’d brought them to the beach. As he helped her out of the car, Alec realized immediately he hadn’t thought this through enough. 

When he’d picked her up tonight at the hotel, he was honestly speechless at the sight of her standing at her door. She looked stunning. Truly stunning. The dress she wore… well, he’d had to pull his lecherous eyes from her chest on more than one occasion tonight. 

But now, standing beside her as the gentle wind pulled her hair away from her face, he realized she was hardly dressed for a walk on the beach. Neither was he, for that matter. In fact, he was starting to feel a bit chilled already. Brilliant thinking, he reprimanded himself. 

He was about to suggest that they maybe go somewhere else when she started laughing. She was looking up at the night sky and laughing. At first he thought she must be laughing at the fact that he’d ridiculously decided to bring her to a cold beach at night in March, but then her gaze fell to meet his. And what he saw there… he really was taken aback. It was joy. He blinked. 

“Alec… this is… it’s so perfect. You have no idea,” she said, her eyes smiling. 

A smile found his lips then as well and relief coursed through him. For a moment he was sure he’d bollocksed this evening up with this idea, but she was obviously pleased by his choice, making him feel a bit more confident. 

He hadn’t been on a date in… God… eighteen years? Had it been that long? Yeah… it had. The last date he’d had had been when he was courting his wife so long ago now. He was completely out of his comfort zone here and it was terrifying. He felt like an insecure teenager again and it was disconcerting. He wasn’t used to feeling out of control, and this was about as out of control as he could get right now. At the same time as it was frightening, it was also exhilarating. And fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Rose was vibrant and… _young_. God. If his mates in Glasgow knew he was out with a twenty-something year old he’d never hear the end of it. Mostly because they’d probably want to know the gory details more than anything, he mused. 

But looking at her now, her eyes shining in the moonlight… he didn’t really care about their age difference. He was finding himself lost in her smile. There was something about her… even more alluring than what he’d already catalogued. It was something intangible, really. She had an _energy_ about her… an aura. It drew him in like nothing he’d ever experienced, even with Beverly at the beginning of their relationship when everything was new and exciting. It was deeper than that. It was something about _her_ specifically.   
Rose’s tongue poked out between her teeth as she watched him simply stare at her. That’s when he realized he must look incredibly thick right now. He cleared his throat. “I thought we could maybe, uh, walk, if you like… but I hadn’t thought,” he said, looking down at their shoes. 

Rose did the same, realizing what he was saying. Looking back up at him, she grinned. “Well… we could always just… take ‘em off?” she suggested, reaching down and pulling her heels off and tossing them onto the floor of the car so she was standing there in her bare feet, grinning up at him.

Alec responded with a wide grin of his own. It felt almost foreign… smiling like this. In honesty, he couldn’t recall the last time he had. He took a deep breath. “Right,” he said, bending down and removing his shoes and socks and throwing them into the front seat of the car so he was standing barefoot as well. Rose’s smiled widened even further as he did so. God. He could look at those beautiful lips all day. “Shall we?” he asked holding out his hand. 

Rose’s smile faded a bit as her gaze fell to his proffered hand. His own smile slid away in response. He was about to withdraw his hand when she reached out with her own and tucked her smaller hand in his. 

His heart, even in it’s questionable state, began beating more quickly in response as he clasped her hand in his. Rose was looking up at him now, her smile different. It wasn’t the brimming, full smile she’d shown him a few moments ago. It was softer now. Somehow muted, but no less powerful.

For some reason he felt responsibility settle over him. This was something far more for her than merely holding hands on a date. This was weighty and profound for her in some way. And the feeling wasn’t lost on him either. He and Beverly hadn’t held hands for years. Not because he didn’t feel affection for her. They’d just… stopped at some point. Of course, he didn’t know the real reason Beverly had been pulling away from him at the time, and right now, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel like dwelling on it.

They walked along in contented silence for a few moments just enjoying the wind and the smell of the ocean. The feel of Rose’s warm hand encased in his also vied for focus, and ultimately won even over the force of nature they were walking beside. In fact, if anything counted as a force of nature, he honestly wondered if Rose would win over the salty ocean crashing up on the shore alongside them. Rose was the one who broke the silence eventually.

“Alec… I should tell you something,” she said tentatively.

That didn’t bode well, Alec decided. Did a sentence beginning like that ever end in anything _good_?

“Alright,” he said, trying to sound encouraging and not too anxious.

Rose paused for a moment, seemingly to collect her thoughts. “I was… I have to admit that I was nervous about tonight,” she shared, looking up at him as they continued walking. “When you asked me out… I actually planned to say no…” she paused and pulled him to a stop. 

The moonlight played on her features, making her look even younger than she was and her hair caught the light so it actually seemed to shine. If the topic didn’t seem to be so ominous, he was sure he’d be unable to focus on anything but the perfection of her in front of him. As it was, though, the conversation held precedence. 

Rose continued, unaware of his scattered thoughts. “... but I’m really glad I didn’t,” she said, a soft smile on her lips. 

It wasn’t what he thought she was going to say. He was sure the conversation had been heading in a different direction that would end with her pulling her hand out of his and heading back down the beach without him. Now, instead of feeling dejected, he was positive what he was feeling was actual elation. And an impulsive desire to kiss her.

But he wanted to be sure she was ready for that, and he truly doubted she was. Not yet, at least. She’d lost her husband and it was clearly still painful for her. He couldn’t imagine her accepting an advance like that yet, so he tamped down the impulse. He didn’t think she was ready for a show of physical affection like that, but he at least wanted to acknowledge what she was going through. He’d felt pain in his life. A crapload of it. And if he could help her at all with hers… then he found he really wanted to. 

Broaching the subject carefully, he said softly, “Listen, Rose… I just wanted you to know… I, uh… I imagine this is probably a hard time for you. What with your move and… all the changes in your life,” he ventured. 

Rose looked down at their joined hands. Her body tensed with his words and immediately he felt badly for bringing it up. He’d started it now, though. “Anyhow… if you’d like to… to talk about it… well, I’ve been told more than once I should shut my mouth, so it would be good practice for me… you know, to listen. If you need to talk,” he clarified. 

Rose looked up at him, offering him a small, watery smile, but obviously working to hold tears back. It didn’t work though, and a moment later, a single tear escaped the corner of her eye and trailed down her cheek. She hastily wiped it away, dropping her gaze back down. 

“Hey,” he said, gently taking her chin in his hand and angling her face up to encourage her to look at him. “Please don’t be embarrassed for being sad. I didn’t lose my wife… not the way you lost your husband… but I still grieved. I’m… I’m still grieving, if I’m honest. So I _do_ understand grief. And… well, I’m no poster boy for confronting my feelings, I’ll admit… but there’s something to be said for being able to talk them through, aye? Grief has its place… but when you’re ready, you’ll see there can be more life afterward. Everything’s got to end sometime, otherwise nothing would ever get started. So… when you’re ready… if you want to talk… I’ll be here,” he said looking down at her, his eyes sincere. 

Rose’s shining eyes met his then with such intensity, he could’ve sworn she was trying to see right into his soul. The air between them seemed almost electric as they stood facing each other, the wind blowing around them, seemingly intensifying the energy between them. He wondered for a moment if she was about to kiss him, but then, seemingly deciding something within herself, she pulled away a bit. 

He couldn’t keep himself from feeling disappointment at her withdrawl, but he quickly admonished himself. He’d even told himself earlier it was too soon for her. 

“Thank-you,” she almost whispered, her eyes still locked with his. “I mean it. Thank-you,” she said, looking almost anxious that he might not believe the depth of her appreciation. 

“Anytime, Rose,” he said honestly, smiling down at her softly. 

The wind picked up then, bringing a cold gust of air with it. Rose shivered and looked out over the water before looking back at him. “Reckon we should maybe head back?” she suggested, unable to hold back another shudder as the wind blew over them again. 

“Oh! Right!” He’d gotten so caught up in just _looking_ at her that he’d missed her not so subtle cue that she was cold. “Sorry… of course you’re probably freezing. Uh… here,” he said, removing his coat. 

Rose protested as he slid it around her shoulders and over her own coat. “Alec… you’ll freeze! I’ve already got a jacket,” she scolded, even as he helped her arms into the sleeves. 

“Ms. Tyler… what did I say about arguing with me? I’m an officer of the law. I could arrest you for… resisting assistance… or something,” he smiled, looking at her practically drowning in his large coat. “Besides… it wouldn’t do to have to recount our date and have to tell everyone you ended up with hypothermia, would it?” he challenged. 

Rose laughed. “No, I suppose it wouldn’t,” she agreed, smiling. “But who’m I gonna tell, anyway? Not like I know anyone here,” she said, grinning. “So either way, I think your reputation would be safe.”

“Aye?” he said, quirking his brow, “Well I suppose I can do no wrong tonight, then,” he smiled. 

“No, I guess not!” she laughed again. They started walking back toward the car, their feet sinking in the cold sand as they trudged along. The cold had definitely settled in with the increased wind and Alec felt it more than usual. He hid this from Rose though, gritting his almost chattering teeth to avoid accidentally letting her know he’d actually grown really quite chilly. 

A little ways up the beach, Alec was almost shocked to find Rose offering him her hand. His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he quickly reshaped his features into an affectionate smile, which wasn’t hard to do, and took her hand in his. They walked that way all the way back to the vehicle, with Alec continuing to make sure to hide his body’s reaction to the brisk wind as they did. Climbing into the car, he started it right away and threw on the heat. The warmth played over them as they sat for a moment allowing the toasty air to thaw them a bit. 

Alec took a breath in and looked at the clock on the dash. Ten past nine. He sighed. She probably wanted to be getting back home soon. He knew he should suggest it, but he was finding it hard to actually execute getting the words out. He didn’t want tonight to end. It had been such a long time since he’d felt… anything like this. 

Rose broke the silence though before he got the chance. “I guess we should be getting back now, yeah? I mean… you probably have to work tomorrow,” she said tentatively. Did he hear disappointment?

“Oh… yeah,” he said, realizing he hadn’t yet shared his current state of employment. “About that… I, uh… I’m not at work right now. Taking some time off,” he said evasively. He wasn’t lying, per se, but he wasn’t exactly telling her the truth either. Something in him was warning him against sharing too much too soon. She’d just lost her husband to cancer. The last thing she’d probably want is to get involved with someone with a bum heart. Given that… why was he even thinking of pursuing more with her? Surely he was being ridiculously selfish doing so… assuming she actually wanted to spend more time with him after tonight. The police force hadn’t wanted him anymore. Surely she wouldn’t either if she knew. Not after what she’d been through. He’d tell her, though. He’d _have to_ , wouldn’t he? If she actually wanted to see him again, that is. He cringed at the idea that she might not. 

“Oh. Then… I don’t know… it’s early yet. Did you want to, maybe, get a drink or something?” Rose suggested lightly, obviously trying to be unassuming and casual about it.

Alec smiled. “I’d love to, Ms. Tyler,” he answered, grinning. “Um… should we just go back to the hotel?” he asked, not sure if she now had bad memories of the bar there.

“Sure. Why not?” Rose agreed. “They obviously know the emergency services number, so we’re set in case I decide to have chips again, she said playfully.

Alec tried to look cross. “Oi… I said ‘no chips’ earlier, but you seem to have forgotten my orders,” he admonished, pointing a stern finger at her.

She giggled. “Yes, sir,” she said, giving him a mock salute.

He nodded, as if mollified by her response, and set off to the hotel.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The evening had been perfect so far. It was absolutely _not_ what Rose had been expecting. She wasn’t sure _what_ she’d been expecting, exactly, seeing as this was one of the most odd experiences she’d ever had at one of the most tenuous times in her life. Did she think he’d be a complete prat and she’d have no trouble brushing him off and moving on with her life? Did she think he’d come on too strong and then she’d feel justified in having to tell him it was too soon? She wasn’t sure. But neither had come to pass. In fact, even aside from the fact that he had been a complete gentleman, he’d actually openly broached the topic of her grieving and done so with care and gentleness. 

Really, that should’ve been her opening. That had been her chance to tell him that she just couldn’t do this. That she really shouldn’t be dating again yet and that she was sorry if she’d been leading him on. But there, on the beach in the moonlight, with his eyes looking down at her with such… openness and honesty… she just couldn’t. In fact, she’d not wanted to. At all. What she’d _wanted_ to do was to kiss him. Snog him until neither of them could breathe. She wasn’t positive, but she was pretty sure he wanted that as well. 

But she couldn’t. She wasn’t ready for that and she knew it. Sort of ridiculous, that. Here she was… only hours ago completely convinced she’d have to end this insane adventure before it started. Now, walking with him into the bar of the hotel, all she could think about was if she’d foolishly passed up a chance to press her lips to his. 

She knew, though, that a sad, sick part of her really wanted to know how like the Doctor he was. And that was wrong. So wrong. She knew that. It didn’t stop her from thinking it, though. And that’s why she knew she wasn’t ready. IF she was ever to do that with Alec Hardy, it would have to be because she wanted to feel _Alec Hardy_ against her lips. Not her Doctor. And while she could admit a good part of her actually _did_ want to kiss _Alec_ , a small part of her was holding out for the man she’d been parted from three agonizing times now. It wouldn’t be fair to her or Alec if she gave in, and she knew it.

There were a few more people in the bar tonight, and Alec obviously knew them, greeting each of them cordially, though clearly not issuing an invitation for conversation either. Sitting at the same table she’d taken the other night, they ordered two glasses of red wine. Alec told her a little bit more about Ellie and she went on about her new home for a while.

As they chatted, Rose inevitably found herself comparing this man with the Doctor. She just couldn’t get over was how very different they were. For a bloke who looked and sounded just like the man she’d known, he was so different. While her Doctor was chatty, Alec was obviously not used to making small talk. He was adorably making a Herculean effort to do so, she could tell, and she found it quite endearing. He was also a bit gruff. Not rude, per se, as her Doctor had sometimes been chastised for being, but more… worn. While the Doctor seemed to attack life, Alec seemed to be more inclined to begrudgingly let it lead the way. Then there was the biggest difference. While he clearly didn’t have much of a gob on him, he was able to open up and talk about feelings. She’d literally been beyond surprised when he openly brought up the subject of her grief on the beach. Talking about feelings with the Doctor was like pulling teeth. Oh… she’d finally convinced him that if they were really going to make a go of it in this universe, he’d have to at least _try_ to share with her and open up a bit more. So he had. And while it had been very difficult for him, he later admitted that he actually found it a bit healing to do so. She’d inwardly rolled her eyes at the time… how could a man who had lived so long be so unaware of his own emotional needs?

Of course, Alec and the Doctor had their similarities as well, which also made the man sitting before her even more attractive in her eyes. Aside from the very obvious similarities, he was funny, he was thoughtful, and he could tell a good story when he set his mind to it. 

They continued talking, sharing laughter and drinking wine for what seemed like a short time, but before they knew it, it was midnight and Becca was closing the bar for the night. Rose had to admit she was a bit tipsy, not realizing how long they’d been sitting there, sipping wine practically the entire time, and was surprised to find the room swirling a bit when she stood up.

“Steady there,” Alec smiled beside her, helping her balance a bit by bracing her with his arm. 

“Oops… sorry! Don’t want a repeat of the other night,” Rose slurred a bit, embarrassed. 

Alec smiled that bloody _gorgeous_ smile of his. God, she wanted to snog that grin off his face. “No problem. I’ve got you,” he said warmly. 

His words found their way into her heart and nestled there for a moment, seeping warmth into her from somewhere she’d forgotten even existed since the Doctor died. God. Those words. They meant so much more than he could ever know, coming from the mouth that might as well be His. 

It wasn’t though. It _wasn’t_ His, she immediately chastised herself. He was Alec Hardy. And she absolutely _had_ to remember that. Because she was finding that she really liked him. Alec Hardy, that is. For all the reasons she’d already thought of. He was sensitive, thoughtful, and he seemed to understand her for some reason. He was very attractive. HE was attractive. The man inside the shell that reminded her so strongly of the one who’d stolen her heart years ago. _This_ man was attractive just for who he was.

The thought made her stomach tumble. She was actually considering this, wasn’t she? If she was being honest with herself, she had to admit she was actually thinking of pursuing something with this man beside her. The thought made her giddy. And she liked the feeling.

Taking a few steps, she realized she was thankful Alec hadn’t let go of her arm. She was a bit wobbly, if she was honest. Usually she could hold her alcohol pretty well, but she suspected the concussion the other day was amplifying the effects a bit.

Doing her best to appear more physically coordinated than she currently was, she allowed Alec to lead her to the stairs and up to her room. When they got there he released her arm so she could riffle through her clutch. It took her a few moments to get her room key out of her purse, which shouldn’t have been that difficult, seeing as she only had about four things _in_ her purse, and she slid it through the lock.

Opening the door, Rose stepped in, nearly losing her balance again. In a flash, Alec was beside her, helping her remain upright by slipping his arm around her waist.

“Wow. I’m sorry… I’m not usually like this,” Rose apologized thickly. 

Alec chuckled a bit. “It’s fine. We’ve been down there a good while. Think I’ve had my limit as well,” he admitted in a slightly thicker brogue than usual.

Rose grinned at him, her tongue slipped between her teeth. “I suppose I should find the lights,” she said, her voice coming out a bit huskier than she’d intended. His arm hadn’t left her since she’d lost her balance, and now she found herself flush against him, his arm tightening around her a bit. Unbidden, she looked up into his face to find his eyes dark and gazing down at her, transfixed. She licked her bottom lip and his eyes followed the movement. A pool of warmth bloomed in her as she stared at him. She suddenly felt his other hand come up against her other side to brace her a bit more firmly against him. Hot need issued from her centre now, urging her to let this happen. Her hands came up to rest against his chest. She could feel a steady beat under her hand. 

One heart.

He had just one, solitary heart. 

If she hadn’t already known, this would’ve been her final confirmation. He was human. So human. And so… here. Standing in front of her being wonderful, and generous, and thoughtful, and… gorgeous. 

Sliding her hand up to cup the side of his face, she leaned in and pressed her lips softly to his. He seemed surprised but quickly recovered, only to reciprocate the pressure she’d offered him. Thier kiss was tentative at first. His lips were soft and touched hers so that they were almost teasing. Quickly, though, their kiss intensified so that those light touches became more demanding and needy. Rose allowed her hands to travel up to play through his hair and he pulled her even closer in response. 

After a minute, it was Alec who pulled away, flushed and a bit breathless. “Rose…” he said, sounding somewhere between guilty and aroused. 

Coming to herself with that one, deeply spoken word, Rose dropped from her toes solidly onto her feet. Even in the darkened room she could see that he looked a bit panicked… like he’d broken his mother’s favourite vase. A smile quirked on her lips with that thought. She supposed she was a bit broken. Being held together by tape and string. But she hadn’t crumbled. Far from it, in fact. 

She smiled softly up at him and then stepped back. Biting her bottom lip, she considered how to proceed. She knew what her _body_ wanted to do. Oh god… did she _ever_. But her head was shouting warnings from somewhere in it’s sober recesses that she should stop now. This had already gone much further than she’d ever intended. Interestingly, she couldn’t find it in herself to feel terrible about it. 

Alec had obviously gotten the message. That was as far as it was going to go. Tonight. Luckily, her smile seemed to be enough to chase away the panicky look he’d been displaying, and he smiled softly down at her. Backing away then, he made his way back to the door and she followed. Rose spoke first after opening it. “Thank-you for tonight, Alec,” she said gently. “I had a really good time.”

Alec’s face lit with satisfaction at that. “I did too, Rose,” he said fondly, standing close. He brought his hand up to run down the side of her cheek and she couldn’t help but close her eyes at the soft sensation of his hand against her skin. While she enjoyed the tingle of his touch, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on her lips. “I’d like to see you again,” he said after pulling back. 

Rose was momentarily unable to form words, but got it together enough to answer, “I’d like that.”

Alec grinned. “Tomorrow?” he asked hopefully.

“Sounds good,” she replied. “I, uh… I’m painting the house again tomorrow, though, so it’ll have to be later. Same time as tonight, maybe?” she asked.

He smiled though in response. “Perfect,” he said. “How about you pick me up when you get back. You know where I live, aye?” he grinned.

“Yeah, I think I can find my way,” she smiled back widely. 

“Good. See you tomorrow, then,” he said before turning and making his way to his room. Rose watched him go for a moment and then moved back into her room and shut the door. 

Once again, she searched herself for guilt. Hmmm. Right now, all she felt was warm. A warm, fuzzy, happy feeling. Leaning her back against the door, she closed her eyes and basked in it. She knew she should probably feel badly. That she should be chastising herself right now. But frankly, she was tired of it. She _wanted_ to feel this. She _deserved_ to. So she did. She let the positive feelings wash over her and let herself bathe in them.

Grinning like a loon, she pushed herself away from the door and moved into the loo. Readying herself for bed, she caught her reflection in the mirror. At first she didn’t recognize it. The woman looking at her was happy. Joyous, even. Not someone she’d seen in a long, long time. Grunting a bit in satisfaction, she turned and made her way to the bed, throwing back the covers and climbing into the cool sheets. 

Usually it took her a long time to fall asleep. Grief and pain tended to rob a person of the ability to relax and let go of reality. But tonight when her head hit the pillow and her eyes slid shut, her mind actually slowly powered down and allowed her to escape the day unhindered. The only thoughts that followed her into unconsciousness were those of a certain detective who had kissed her good-night.


	7. Omission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who are following this story! This has been a labour of love, this one. I'm a big Broadchurch fan, and it's been SO fun writing Alec and Rose. It's not over, by any stretch, but I just wanted to make sure you all know you're appreciated!
> 
> Enjoy!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 7: Omission

Rose woke in the morning, brushing the remnants of her dream aside to pull herself to wakefulness. Since the Doctor died, she’d had very few good dreams, which she’d assumed was normal after such a traumatic event as losing the person you loved. But this morning was different. She’d dreamt and it hadn’t been a nightmare. 

She’d dreamt of the beach, standing looking out at the ocean. The wind had been whipping her hair around her head, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It felt… freeing. In her dream, a presence made itself known all around her but she couldn’t see it. It was an essense more than anything tangible. As she stood, watching the waves crash onto the beach, smelling the salt water in the air, a feeling of calm and peace wrapped itself around her like a blanket, shielding her from the cold of the wind. In the distance, a familiar grinding sound played very very faintly under the sound of the ocean colliding with the shore. She had to strain to hear it, but she could make it out if she really concentrated. 

And then it was gone, the sound and the image broken by the cloying noise of her phone alarm. 

Reaching for her phone, she pressed buttons randomly until the clatter stopped. Plopping it back on the bedside table, she dropped her arm on her forehead, waiting for grief to smack her hard in the face. It did, of course, but today it was tempered. Today it wasn’t a heavyweight boxer delivering the punch. Instead it was a small, underweight depressed teen, angry for having been grounded. The feeling was definitely there, but not nearly as bruising or painful as usual. 

On examination, she realized why that was. Last night. Ohhhhh. Last night. The guilt she’d been looking for the night before had now found it’s way into her heart, but she was surprised it wasn’t as strong as she feared it would be. Why was that? Surely she should be rocking in a corner somewhere, nursing herself back into self acceptance after what happened. Why wasn’t she pulling at her hair and cursing herself for having been so foolish? 

Part of her was doing just that, she discovered, looking inside herself. It was that part of her that still saw Him when she looked at Alec. That was the part that was rightfully chastising her for allowing herself to succumb to her base desire to be with him. That part of her was now ruthlessly reminding her that he had no idea about the similarities between him and her husband. What would he do when he found out? It was just fine that she’d decided _she_ was apparently okay with snogging her dead husband’s lookalike, but what about Alec? Surely he wouldn’t be fine with it. He was likely to have strong feelings about it… and none of them were likely to be good, she mused. 

She’d have to come clean, she recognized. Now that this seemed to actually be happening. She couldn’t press ahead like he was just any bloke she’d met and was attracted to. He had to know about the Doctor. Not _everything_ obviously. But he deserved to know that he could be his twin. She just hoped he wouldn’t change his mind about being with her after he found out. How would _she_ react if their positions were reversed? If _she_ was the doppelganger? She’d be leagues less than impressed, she knew. Would she be able to get past it? She honestly didn’t know. She thought she could. Maybe. Bollocks.

Either way, she had to tell him. He had to be given the choice of whether he wanted to continue to pursue a relationship with her or not knowing that he bore such a resemblance to her husband. She knew now that _she_ wanted more. At least… she was pretty sure she did. Aha. _That’s_ why she wasn’t _completely_ beside herself with self-recrimination this morning. She wanted more. She actually did. It was probably so _not_ healthy in _so_ many ways, but the little flutters that rose in her stomach when she thought about him didn’t seem to care about any of that. 

But none of that mattered if he wasn’t able to see past the quite real fact that he was a physical reflection of her Doctor. She sighed. 

Well, there was nothing she could do about that this very minute, she concluded. She’d just have to tell him tonight. And she would. Hopefully he’d be able to see past it. She knew she desperately wanted to. And she really felt like she was already. Would he be able to?

Getting out of bed, she continued rolling those thoughts over in her head as she padded to the loo and readied herself for the day. Donning her painting clothes again, she grabbed her keys and her wallet and made her way out, sighing resignedly. She’d see Alec tonight, she reiterated to herself. No point in worrying about something she could do nothing about yet. 

Deciding to let the troubling thoughts about Alec go for now, she focused on the task at hand. Today she got legal custody of her ‘baby’… her house. She smiled. It was kind of like her baby, she considered. Handing over all that money to the bank seemed as painful as childbirth, she thought ruefully. 

She arrived at the house about a half hour later, having stopped on the way for a muffin and a coffee. It was quiet, of course, and she took a deep breath in as she stood in the entryway. It smelled strongly of fresh paint, but it could’ve been worse, she knew all too well. Nope… it was a clean house otherwise, and she was so pleased about that. The previous owners had done a spot on job readying it for her and she couldn’t be more thankful. The idea of having to clean up someone else’s rubbish and filth before being able to move in was one she’d pretty much resigned herself to, but she was happily surprised when she’d shown up yesterday to find it sparkling clean. 

Sighing happily, she moved further into the house and picked up a can of paint. It was the caramel-brown colour she’d chosen for the living room walls, and she was anxious to get that room finished. It was a small but warm sitting room with two lovely tall windows framing a fireplace in the middle along the front wall. The first coat of paint was done and the room looked downright cozy already, even without furniture in it. 

Getting to work, it didn’t take her too long before she finished and was able to start the second coat in the kitchen. It was finicky work in there, with lots of edges and corners, but by lunch she’d all but finished it. Only a couple of touch ups to do and all that would be left would be the loo. More annoying edges, she sighed. 

Climbing down from the ladder she’d had delivered with the paint and the countertop yesterday, she was about to wash the brushes when a knock issued at the front door. 

Who would that be? The only ones who knew where she lived were the realtor and… Ohhh. Her stomach flipped involuntarily. Alec. 

Dumping the brushes in the sink, she wiped a bit of excess paint from her hands onto her already ruined jeans and quickly made her way to the door. Opening it, she found herself face to face with a tall Scotsman smiling shyly at her, holding a bag and two soft drinks. 

“Hi! What are you doing here? I mean… I’m surprised! I wasn’t expecting you,” she amended, wanting to be sure she didn’t sound upset about his coming over.

“Well.. I was in the area and I heard the McMillans had sold this place. Just wanted to extend my greeting from the neighbourhood,” he said cordially.

Rose grinned. “Um… you don’t even live around here,” she corrected him.

“Aye, that’s true,” he admitted, “but I thought you should be properly welcomed to the neighbourhood anyhow. That, and I thought you might be hungry. I get the impression that once you get going you don’t really stop,” he said by way of explanation, “so I figured I’d better make sure you eat.”

“That’s really nice,” Rose smiled widely. She was so glad to see him standing there that she almost forgot to invite him in. “Oh… sorry… come in!” she said hastily, moving aside to make room for him to enter.

“Thanks,” he said, accepting her offer. Looking around, he nodded his approval. “Very nice,” he said appreciatively. 

“Thanks,” she said. “I’m pretty much done painting now. Just the loo left,” she explained, leading him into the living room. “I’m sorry… I haven’t got anywhere for us to sit yet. We’ll have to sit on the floor, I’m afraid,” she said, sitting down in the middle of the room and crossing her legs.

“No problem,” Alec said, doing the same. His eyes took in the small room. “I like the colour you picked,” he said, obviously trying to make light conversation. “Are you keeping the flooring?” he asked, admiring the wood floor they’d just made themselves comfortable on. 

Rose smiled inwardly. “Thanks. Yeah… I’m gonna buff the floors in here eventually, but that’s about it,” she said, taking the sandwich he offered her. 

Alec nodded, taking a bite of the sandwich he’d just opened up for himself. Swallowing, he commented, “Good choice. Not a big fan of carpeting, myself,” he said thoughtfully.

Rose stopped and looked at him. Alec was still looking around the room and taking another bite out of his sandwich. Rose swallowed. He didn’t like carpets. _So what?_ her mind chided her. _Lots of people don’t like carpets. The Doctor wasn’t the only one who wasn’t a fan,_ she told herself.

“I hope you like cold cuts,” Alec said, interrupting her thoughts. “I wasn’t sure what you fancied, so I just took something basic,” he said, handing her a cola as well.

“It’s brilliant. Thanks again… really,” she said, shaking herself from her reverie. “I do tend forget to eat when I’m caught up in something. You were right about that. The Doctor used to get on me about it all the time,” she said, and then took a large bite of the sandwich. “Mmmm,” she hummed appreciatively as she chewed. 

“I’m a bit like that as well, actually. Reckon that’s how I’ve maintained my girlish figure all these years,” he added, quirking a smile. 

Rose laughed. They ate their sandwiches together, making light conversation and enjoying each other’s company. Before long, they’d both finished. 

“Well… I suppose I should keep painting,” Rose said, sighing, not happy with having to end their visit already.

Alec cleared his throat. “I could help… if you want. I’m not working, and I’m not bad with a roller,” he suggested casually.

Rose smiled. “Are you sure? What about your clothes?” she said, looking him over. Once again, she was taken aback by his looks. She really liked that he wore his hair a bit longer and less spiky than her Doctor. It was one less reminder of him, she thought, studying him. Alec seemed to prefer jeans and jumpers when dressing casually as well… and frankly, he looked decidedly delicious in them. Today he was wearing just such an ensemble, with him sporting a pair of dark jeans and the same jumper she’d first seen him in. 

He looked down at himself. “Awww… these old things? Not too worried. I’ll just take off the jumper and I’ll be good to go,” he said decidedly.

“Well… sure then! If you’re up for it,” she said happily, this time purposefully tucking her tongue in her teeth. 

Alec’s gaze fell to her lips then and he swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Heat permeated through her, knowing that she was affecting him. 

Coming back to her senses, she patted her legs and stood up. “Okay then… I suppose we should get started,” she grinned. Alec stood as well and she led them into the kitchen to wash the brushes she’d soiled before lunch. As she stood at the sink, passing him the completed brushes, she realized that this would be a good chance to bring up the Doctor. She took a deep breath, steeling herself.

Then Alec’s phone rang. 

He smiled apologetically and put the brushes down on the newspaper lining the floor to answer the call. “Hardy,” he said curtly with the phone to his ear.

A pleased look crossed his features. “Oh, Miller! Thanks for calling back,” he said amiably. 

In the bright light from the kitchen window Rose could make out a smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. God. The resemblance was uncanny. Alec’s eyes then moved and caught hers. She suddenly realized she was staring. Blushing, she turned her attention back to the sink. 

“No… that’s fine,” he said practically. “Actually, I was calling to find out if you might like some company? I’ve, uh… I’ve met someone who’s moving to town and she doesn’t know anyone, and I thought maybe I could introduce you?”

He listened for another moment. Rose shot him a look out of the corner of her eye and saw his brow was furrowed. “Oi! I can be sociable,” he said defensively, darting a look in Rose’s direction. Her lips quirked up in a smile. “Anyway… I just thought that since you’ve lived here all your life, you might be a good person for her to meet,” he said, lightening his tone a bit.

“Tonight?” he asked. Shooting Rose a questioning glance, she nodded. Inwardly, she was actually happy with the development. Now they were spending the day together _and _she was going to get to meet Ellie. Not only that, it might make her slow down a bit. Now that she’d decided not to fight her interest in Alec, she was a bit worried she was going to bullocks it up by moving too quickly. This would be a good chance to spend time with him while still having to keep a bit of distance.__

__“Alright. Well how ‘bout we pick up dinner and come by around… six?” he said, once again checking with Rose for confirmation. She once again nodded. “Yeah, six,” he confirmed._ _

__Ellie obviously replied and Alex responded, “Good. See you then,” and then rang off._ _

__“You got all that, I’m imagining?” he said, checking in._ _

__“Yup. Six o’clock,” Rose confirmed. “I’m excited to meet her,” she admitted._ _

__He offered her a small smile before saying, “Soooo… painting then?”_ _

__Rose grinned and handed him another brush. “Painting.”_ _

__

__OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_ _

__

__The afternoon passed with chat, a few laughs, definite flirting, and plenty of paint drips on Rose’s tiled bathroom floor. She didn’t care, though. Alec proved himself to be a rather lousy painter, but he was obviously trying hard and she found it incredibly adorable that a man so seemingly capable at his job could be so bad at wielding a paintbrush._ _

__Over the course of the project there were plenty of opportunities for Rose to come clean about Alec’s uncanny resemblance to her late husband, but for some reason she kept coming up with excuses to put the discussion off for a little longer. She was enjoying herself immensely and she knew the impending chat would leave the afternoon in tatters. She just wanted a little bit longer to enjoy the positive feelings she was finally having after so long._ _

__Before long, the bathroom walls were completed with remarkably little paint having dripped on Alec’s trousers. He’d long since peeled off his jumper, leaving him in his jeans and vest, affording Rose a good look at his arms which, again, might as well have been the Doctor’s. He was definitely a thin man, but not scrawny, his chest filling out the vest nicely making her want to see it up close and with less clothing covering it._ _

__Shaking her head to clear it of these decidedly leading thoughts… she looked at her watch. It was half three. She wondered if Alec would mind helping her with the countertop while he was here. She knew she could do it on her own, but it would definitely be easier with two. At least maybe they could get the old countertop off today if nothing else._ _

__“Looks great,” Alec commented a bit breathily, surveying the bathroom walls. It _had_ been a fair amount of work, but she had to admit she was a bit surprised he was seemingly a bit out of breath. Pushing aside the niggling thought, she refocused on the walls. They _did_ look nice now… so bright and clean looking. _ _

__“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” she nodded. “Thanks, Alec. I really appreciate your help,” she said honestly, smiling up at him._ _

__He smiled affectionately back. “I don’t mind at all. I got to spend some extra time with _you_ , after all,” he said softly._ _

__Rose’s heart stuttered. His gentle Scottish accent cemented the words in for her even more strongly. They were _Alec’s_ words. No one else’s. There was no doubt for her as she looked up at him, her eyes hopefully returning his affection._ _

__That was when Rose’s conscience woke up from it’s slumber. She really should tell him now. Before this went any further. He’d given up his afternoon, bought her food, planned an evening… it wasn’t fair to him._ _

__“Rose,” Alec’s voice cut into her thoughts, “I, uh… I need to tell you something,” he started._ _

__A big cowardly part of her let out a sigh of relief. Once more her plan to come clean was being put off… if only for a minute or two. Looking up at Alec, she nodded, “Yeah?”_ _

__Alec seemed to be steeling himself to share something uncomfortable. Uh oh. Anxiety trickled through Rose’s body. What if he’d decided she was too young for him. He’d seemed quite put out by that last night. Mind you, he’d just said he enjoyed spending time with her, so she didn’t think he’d then turn around and tell her he didn’t want to see her anymore. She was being silly. It was probably something personal he was nervous sharing. She certainly knew all about _that_._ _

__“I… um…” he paused, “I kinda have to use the loo,” he grimaced._ _

__What? “Oh!” she started, realizing that they, of course, were standing in the very place he apparently really needed to be alone. “Oh… sorry! I’ll, uh… just bring this stuff downstairs,” she said, bending down and picking up the paint and discarded brushes._ _

__“Thanks,” he said, blushing as she hastily retreated, heading downstairs._ _

__Rose chuckled to herself on her way into the kitchen. God she was paranoid. Understandably so, she reasoned, seeing as _she_ was withholding a rather important piece of information from him. But that didn’t mean she should automatically assume he had deep dark secrets as well. She shook her head and dumped the brushes in the sink, turning on the water to clean them. _ _

__She was just finishing that task when Alec appeared beside her, once again wearing his jumper. “So… what’s next on the agenda,” he asked, bumping his arm lightly against hers. Sparks seemed to literally fly between them whenever they accidentally (or purposefully) brushed up against each other today, and Rose couldn’t get enough of it._ _

__“Well, I was _kinda_ hoping you might be able to help me get rid of this countertop?” she said questioningly, tapping the offending laminate. _ _

__“Sure,” he agreed. “Do you have a wrench?” he asked looking around._ _

__“Yup! Ready for anything, us Tylers,” she smiled, heading to the front door and a bag she’d left slumped beside the front closet. “Right here,” she said, re-entering the kitchen._ _

__“Fantastic,” he said, taking it from her. Squatting, he opening the cupboard doors below the sink and peered in. Reaching into the recesses of the cupboard, he adjusted something and then leaned his lanky body into the space._ _

__“You should let me do that,” Rose said, worried he was going to hurt his back, bending so awkwardly._ _

__“No, I’m fine,” he said, his voice muffled._ _

__After a couple of minutes, Alec emerged, now decidedly breathless. Pulling himself out of the small space, he moved to get up, but instantly dropped back down on the ground, winded._ _

__Alarm bells clanged in Rose’s mind. “Alec?!” she said, her voice laced with distress as she quickly bent down beside him._ _

__“I’m fine,” he said breathily, “...just need a mo.”_ _

__“You’re _not_ fine!” Rose said fearfully. “Look at you!”_ _

__“I’m alright, Rose… honestly,” he said, his breath slowly returning to normal. “Just… a small space… odd position. Got a bit out of breath, that’s all,” he said confidently._ _

__Rose looked at him dubiously. He shouldn’t be out of breath from leaning awkwardly, should he? Then again… maybe he had asthma or something. That would explain his shortness of breath earlier as well. Surely being under a musty counter also wouldn’t be good for something like that._ _

__“Are you sure,” she reiterated, some of the worry leaving her voice._ _

__“Completely. I’m fine. Just need a minute and I’ll be right as rain,” he assured her._ _

__Rubbing his back, Rose sat beside him while his breathing returned to normal. “Here… let me get you some water,” she said, getting up and moving to the fridge. Grabbing one of the bottles of water she’d bought to tide her over until her dishes arrived, she returned to Alec’s side and handed it to him._ _

__“Thanks,” he said gratefully, opening it and taking a long pull._ _

__As she watched him drink, she thought she saw a shudder run through him. Maybe he was getting sick, she worried. “I think I want to be done for the day,” Rose said, considering him dubiously. “It’s already four. I’d like to have time to take a shower and change before we go to Ellie’s, if that’s alright?” she suggested, making a show of looking at her watch, knowing he probably wouldn’t refuse her if she made it about _her_. As much as he said he was fine, she wasn’t quite ready to go let him help anymore today after this. Granted, it was just a bit of breathlessness, but after her experiences, she just didn’t think she could handle it if it happened again because he was fixing _her house_. _ _

__“Alright. Are you sure, though? Wouldn’t take long to finish up? At least remove the sink and taps?” he offered._ _

__“No… I’d really like to get going, if you don’t mind. I’ll finish it up tomorrow before the movers come,” she explained. “‘Sides, I was thinking maybe we could stop and get a cuppa on the way. I’m in dire need of caffeine,” she grinned._ _

__“Right. Let’s go then,” he agreed enthusiastically, his tone echoing mirroring one she’d heard many times tumbling from the Doctor’s lips._ _

__A bit startled by this disquieting similarity, Rose blinked._ _

__Alec was about to get up, but obviously caught her odd expression. “Rose? You okay?” he asked, his own brow furrowing._ _

__“What? Oh… yeah. Sorry. Just… got distracted there for a mo,” she said, still shaking the uncomfortable similarity of tone she’d just heard him use to the one her husband had used many many times._ _

__Nodding, but still looking a bit concerned, Alec got up slowly and they made their way to the front door. Grabbing up their jackets, they headed out. Alec was quite quiet on the way back to the hotel, which concerned Rose a bit. Not that he was a chatty bloke anyhow, but he seemed more subdued than usual. His breathing seemed to have evened out and he seemed fine otherwise, but she couldn’t shake the nagging worry that he wasn’t feeling as well as he was acting._ _

__Inwardly shaking her head at her overactive imagination, she dismissed her paranoia. He’d been a bit out of breath. It wasn’t like the man was coughing up blood. Rose cringed at the cruel, horrid memory. Of course he wasn’t. She was understandably concerned when confronted with even the possibility someone she cared for was ill. That didn’t mean he was. She was being a bit paranoid, but she could forgive herself of that. Who wouldn’t be after what she’d been through?_ _

__Looking over at the man sitting beside her, she calmed her mind. He was _fine_. Reaching over, she took his hand in hers, hoping he would be okay with that. They hadn’t held hands since last night. Her fears were short lived when he looked over and gave her a small smile, squeezing her hand in return. He was alive, warm and breathing well. She hadn’t had much faith in fate lately, but after last night, she was beginning to think fate had something good in store for her. If that was so, and she desperately hoped it was, the universe would never be so cruel as to pull the rug out from under her again. It wouldn’t._ _


	8. Echo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand... then there's a bit of angst...

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 8: Echo

Alec stood shivering in the shower washing the sweat and paint from his body after the unexpected, but highly pleasant, afternoon he’d spent with Rose. His chest still ached from the assault his heart suffered earlier though, reminding him, once again, that he _still_ hadn’t told Rose about his health. 

Oh, he tried. In fact, he came _so close_ today, just after they finished painting the bathroom, but then he’d chickened out, citing a ridiculous need to use the loo. Luckily she’d bought the flimsy cover for his blundered attempt at honesty. But really… he _did_ have to tell her. 

He sighed. It was never easy, was it? But then, since when was anything worth it ever easy? She was special and something in the very back of his mind had known it from the second he laid eyes on her in the bar. She was like a brilliant ray of light compared to all others he’d met up until now. He couldn’t describe what it was about her. Her tenacity? Her strength? Her bravery? He didn’t know. Couldn’t put his finger on it. He just somehow _knew_ that he didn’t want to lose her. And telling her about his health… 

But she was going to find out, of course. He was having surgery in a week. Ridiculously, he imagined how he might try to hide the fact from her. Disappear for a few weeks… tell her he was off to see his daughter? Yeah… _that_ was a good way to start a relationship. With a big bloody lie. He sighed again. No. He of course he had to tell her, and the sooner the better. 

Really, he should tell her tonight, but now they were planning to spend the evening with Ellie, so it would have to wait at least until tomorrow. After all, what if she got angry and cancelled? It wouldn’t be fair to Ellie for him to cancel so soon before they were supposed to be there. Yeah. That’s why he couldn’t tell her tonight. 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d tell her. No more excuses. Tomorrow was the day, he told himself firmly, lathering his hair. Leaning his head back to rinse, he found himself becoming short of breath. For a moment he merely stood under the hot pounding water coming from the showerhead, hoping it would just pass. “Bloody hell,” he cursed after another minute went by without improvement. In fact, he was starting to feel worse with his heart starting to race. Climbing out of the shower, he reached for the pill bottle on the counter and shakily opened it. Popping a pill in his mouth, he reached over and filled a cup with water and took a gulp to chase it down. Dropping to sit on the toilet lid, his hand on his chest, he tried to catch his breath. Fuck.

After a few minutes, his breathing slowed and his heart stopped racing. A shiver passed over him, a chill settling in. God. His heart ‘events’ were happening more often now and he wondered if, on top of that, he was catching a cold or something. Well, wasn’t that fucking wizard.

Another couple of minutes passed and he felt well enough to climb to his feet. Toweling himself off, he moved to look in the mirror. His eyes looked a bit more sunken and his hair stood up every which way. He looked a bit like a bloody possessed scarecrow. He shook his head. He was a physical mess and he wasn’t much further ahead mentally either, he admitted dismally to himself. 

He thought back to last night and the talk he’d had with Rose on the beach. He was one to offer grief counselling to Rose, he thought morosely. He had actually provided some pretty fantastic advice to her, he knew. Now, if only he could follow it himself. He had been right, though. It was time to let go of grief. He’d harboured anger and blame and frustration long enough. He’d lived with it for so long now that he’d forgotten there was any other way of living. And he’d _thought_ he’d moved on. He really had. 

Then he laid eyes on Rose Tyler. 

That’s when he realized he hadn’t moved on. Not really. Because only _now_ he knew what it was like to feel that weight lifted. It had only been a few days, but they had been the best he’d had in a very long time. He was _supposed_ to have met her. In his soul he _knew_ it. And he wasn’t about to waste this opportunity to make his life something more worth living. 

If he was honest, he’d been playing roulette with his life for a while, as he had clearly not been going out of his way to make sure he took care of himself. He’d been pushing himself further and further and he’d been living on borrowed time. But now… now he actually found himself actively objecting to the idea of letting go of it all and shuffling off this mortal coil. He _wanted_ to experience it… to try happiness out for a change. He honestly wasn’t sure it was in the cards for him… happiness, that is. But if there was a possibility, he was pretty sure it would involve Rose Tyler. 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

They arrived at Ellie’s place right on time, which made Rose smile. Alec was obviously a very punctual bloke, which was another endearing quality she found herself admiring. That, and his rather magnificent arse. Not that she’d purposefully ogled it or anything. He just so happened to be wearing a short jacket and may have had his back turned to her while they waited for the takeaway to be ready and she _might_ have _happened_ to have gotten an eyeful of his quite luscious behind in the jeans he was sporting tonight. Hmmm. Something about his body in denim had her thinking really quite inappropriate thoughts about seeing it with _less_ denim. 

After they picked up the takeaway, she’d asked him to stop at Tescos to get some Daffodils or something similar to give to Ellie. He’d assured her she needn’t bother, as he’d already bought a bottle of wine for her, but she’d politely insisted. She wanted to thank Ellie for agreeing to meet her, being new to town and all. That, and after what Ellie had been through… Rose felt sure she could use even a small pick me up. 

Ellie answered the door after only a couple of knocks, which was amazing, as Rose couldn’t imagine she’d have heard the door with the noise her little one was making in the living room. She’d smiled warmly, inviting them into her home, which was obviously well lived in. 

“Miller… this is Rose. Rose this is Mil… Ellie,” he corrected himself, to Ellie’s apparent surprise. 

“Pleased to meet you, Rose,” Ellie said warmly, darting her eyes back to Alec. “Sorry ‘bout the state of the house,” she apologized, looking a bit frazzled, “but Fred’s not napped and I didn’t manage to tidy like I’d hoped,” she said a bit anxiously.

“Oh… please don’t feel badly,” Rose said as she quickly tried to play down the mess. “I know what it’s like trying to pick up after a toddler. My little brother is a living tornado! My place always looked like the aftermath of a tsunami after he’d visit. This is _nothing_ ,” she said supportively. 

Ellie gave her a grateful smile. “Well… thanks, but there’s still no excuse for this. Anyway… come in, come in,” she invited, waving them into the living room. “Tom!” she shouted up the stairs. 

From somewhere above them the sound of stomping footsteps came and a moment later a young teen appeared coming down the stairs and solemnly waved at the company. 

“Hi Tom,” Alec said, nodding. 

“Tom… could you please give Fred his bath tonight, love?” she asked. “HIs jimjams are already set out on his bed for after, alright?”

Tom rolled his eyes but nodded, coming down and down to scoop up his little brother. “C’mon, Fred,” he said a bit grumpily.

“Thanks, love,” Ellie said, patting the boy on the back. “Just bring him down when you’re done and I’ll put him to bed.”

“Sure,” the boy answered, lugging the tot up the stairs with him.

Ellie turned to Alec and Rose then, giving them a bit of a frantic smile. “Right! Who’s up for a glass of wine?” she asked cheerily. “I know I could use one,” she added, her eyes involuntarily shooting up the stairs.

Rose looked to Alec who stared back at her blankly. Pointedly looking down to his hands, he finally got the message. “Oh yes! We brought a bottle to get us started,” Alec said, holding out the paper bag toward Ellie. “Oh, and Rose brought you flowers,” he added, as she extended them toward Ellie as well.

Looking suspiciously between Alec and Rose, Ellie reached out and took the bottle slowly. “Thanks,” she said.

“We also brought food,” Alec offered, holding up the large bag of Chinese they’d picked up. 

“Oh! I’d forgotten about tea! Thanks, Alec,” she said, a little smile quirking on her lips.

“No problem,” he said. “Got those dry ribs you like, Miller,” he added, obviously chuffed he’d remembered to include something she prefered.

“Riiiight,” she said, her smile becoming a bit wider. Rose wondered for a moment if there was some joke she wasn’t in on, but whatever it was, Ellie wasn’t dwelling on it. “Well, maybe we should go back to the kitchen. I can’t believe I’d actually forgotten you were bringing food! I swear… after I gave birth I lost more brain cells than I did weight,” she said, patting her hip. 

“Oh… if you’re not hungry…” Rose started, not wanting to make a fuss about food, even though she herself was famished.

“Oh, no! I haven’t eaten!” she said, quick to placate. “Don’t get me wrong… I’m thrilled you brought food! I fed the boys but I hadn’t gotten round to feeding myself, thank goodness. I must’ve remembered _somewhere_ in there,” she said, pointing to her head.

Rose laughed. She liked this woman already. 

Tea proceeded amiably and they chatted while they ate. Rose shared a bit with Ellie about her move and why she was making such a drastic change in her life. It’s funny how telling people seemed to be getting a bit easier with time. Not that it was easy to talk about the Doctor’s passing. It wasn’t. But it didn’t shoot the same sharp daggers through her heart that it used to, and she was grateful for that, even while part of her felt badly that she was grateful. She sighed inwardly. Grief was certainly a multi-faceted experience, she mused.

Ellie seemed genuinely interested in her journey after the Doctor’s passing, and Rose hoped she was finding some solace in it. Things did get better, even after such horrid times. 

They didn’t talk about any details about Ellie’s situation, though at one point she mentioned something about the boys’ father being ‘gone’, and that they were going to make a go of it here in Broadchurch without him. Rose, of course, left the specifics of that comment unexplored. Ellie clearly wasn’t in a place where she was comfortable discussing what had happened, and Rose was sure a complete stranger wouldn’t be the first person she’d confide in if she actually was ready. Still, it was an opening. And Rose found herself hoping by the end of tea that this was just the beginning of a possible friendship. She admired what Ellie was trying to do… staying in Broadchurch for her kids, even after all that had happened here. 

Another unexpected pleasure she’d found this evening was observing the interactions between Alec and Ellie. They’d obviously been through quite a bit together here with the murder case they’d worked on. They’d clearly formed a friendship, but it’s dynamics were almost entertaining. Alec was almost downright cranky with Ellie at times, but she merely brushed off his gruffness with sarcastic comments of her own. That’s not to say they didn’t seem to enjoy each other’s company, because they clearly did. It was almost like watching a brother and sister visit over Christmas dinner. There was love there under all the bickering and they both knew it.

After tea, they began tidying their mess when Tom appeared with Fred in tow. “Mom… he’s clean,” Tom announced, passing the toddler off to Ellie. 

“Thanks, love,” she said, grinning at her son. Turning to Rose and Alec, she said, “I’m just going to tuck this one in. Alec… do you mind finishing this up? I won’t be a mo,” she said, turning to bring Fred upstairs. 

Rose turned and filled the sink with water and dish soap while Alec collected the dishes and dumped them in the basin in front of Rose. “You wash, I dry?” he suggested, smiling down at her.

“Like a team?” Rose said, smiling back, biting her tongue with her eyes twinkling.

“Just like a team. Like… Shiver and Shake,” he announced. 

Rose froze. Turning and staring up at him, she was sure her heart stopped. “Which one’s Shiver?” she said reluctantly, her heart in her throat.

“Oh, I’m Shake,” he assured her, still smiling. Then he noticed her expression. “Rose? What’s wrong,” he said, his voice worried.

Rose started trembling. Anxiety flooded her as adrenaline pulsed through her system. Memories of a conversation she had a lifetime ago came flooding back as if it had happened yesterday.

_The old team. Shiver and Shake._ The words were spoken in a conversation between her and a man who was now a whole universe away. They were uttered in a moment of triumph before her life came crashing down around her. They’d been readying themselves to hang on for their lives. For each other. And then she’d fallen. Fallen through the void and away from the man she’d loved, to be parted from him for years with nothing left but memories to comfort her. 

Tears trickled down her face even as she stared up at a very startled Alec. _Alec!_ she reiterated to herself. This was _Alec_ , NOT the Doctor. This man had one heart, warm skin, and had grown up and lived a life on earth. He had an ex-wife and a daughter and did NOT fly among the stars in a blue police box. 

“Rose?” Alec repeated, now blatantly radiating worry. “Did I say something? If I did… I’m sorry,” he said, stepping forward.

The movement made Rose all but jump back and away from him. “I, uh, I have to… I’m sorry, Alec. It’s just… Oh, God… I’m so sorry,” she said before skirting around him to grab her jacket up from the back of one of the kitchen chairs. 

Just then, Ellie rounded the corner. “Rose?” she said, obviously taking in Rose’s flustered state and obvious intention to leave.

“Oh… Ellie… thank-you for having us… me… I’m really sorry… I just… I have to go,” she stammered, heading toward the door.

Ellie followed, leaving Alec stricken and gobsmacked in the kitchen.

Seeing her out the door, Ellie, touched her arm on her way out. “Rose… he hasn’t said something idiotic, has he?” she said, her voice low and her face showing her concern. “He can be a prat sometimes, but underneath all that he’s really a decent bloke,” she said, apologizing for Alec’s assumed rudeness.

“No, Ellie… it’s… it’s not him. It’s _me_. I’m.. I’m just confused. I’m sorry to ruin your evening,” she apologized, choking back a sob. 

“Aw, love,” she said, pulling Rose into a supportive hug. Rose, was taken aback a bit by the unexpected move to comfort her, but readily accepted it nonetheless and eagerly hugged the woman back.

“Thank-you,” Rose said quietly, pulling back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Looking up, she spied Alec who had come up behind Ellie in the entryway. Knowing she couldn’t look at him… not now… she turned and headed out to the street, pulling out her mobile to call a cab. 

Behind her, Ellie closed the door, and as the door closed she felt a floodgate open inside of her. Tears streamed down her face as she walked away from the house, sobbing as she went. She was so confused. It had been a coincidence. It had to’ve been. What other explanation was there? 

Looking up at the stars above that had been such an incredible comfort the night before, she felt anguish spread through her, permeating her from her toes up to her head and deeper into her mind and soul. Why? What possible purpose could such a cruel joke serve? Was it to see her in pain? Was this a _game_ to someone with a power mightier than even a Time Lord? She didn’t know. But it couldn’t possibly be any more heartless.


	9. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the content warning on the label for this chapter, folks!
> 
> Enjoy!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 9: Truth

Alec sat in the kitchen cupping a mug of tea in his hands while Ellie stared at him from across the table. 

“I just don’t understand!” he said, exasperated and thoroughly confused. “One minute we were laughing… joking, and the next minute she was crying! I swear, Miller… I’ll don’t know what happened,” he shared, oozing frustration. This was probably the most openly he’d ever spoken with Ellie. He also hadn’t felt this vulnerable in a very long time. He generally wasn’t one to go on about his troubles, but he was no expert with women and he knew it. Looking up at Ellie’s concerned face, he wasn’t sure he should’ve opened up quite this much with her, however. He hated people feeling sorry for him, and that was the distinct impression he was getting from Ellie right now. She felt badly for him. 

Squirming uncomfortably in his chair, Ellie finally spoke up. “Look, Alec… I don’t know her, really, but… try to be patient. My guess is this is the first time she’s been with someone else since her husband died. It’s going to be hard for her. She likely feels guilty… probably because she’s actually enjoying being with someone else. I can only imagine what it must be like. But it seems pretty clear she wants to move on, yeah? She certainly seemed to be mooning over you tonight,” she shared.

Alec grimaced. “I don’t know, Miller. Maybe I’m in over my head, aye? It’s not like I’m any _good_ at this… relationship stuff. It’s not like my last attempt ended well,” he added. 

Ellie looked at him, annoyed. “That wasn’t just your fault and you know it, Alec. It takes two. And anyway… it wasn’t like she even gave you the opportunity to make it right,” Ellie argued for him. Alec sighed. She was right, of course. His ex-wife was the one who’d cheated in the end, but it wasn’t like he’d done much to dissuade her from wanting to do so in the first place, he thought. 

“I just… I…” he looked down at his hands, “I really like her, Miller,” he said lowly. “I thought… I was hoping she might… this might _go_ somewhere,” he shared. His heart was already on his sleeve. Might as well offer her a dagger to stab into it as well, he reasoned. 

“There’s no reason it can’t,” she replied, reaching out her hand to cover one of his. “Give her time, Alec. And space, if she needs it. If you think she’s worth it, that is. Her heart isn’t the only one a bit broken here,” she said, knowingly. “And I don’t just mean physically,” she said cracking a smile.

Alec looked up, his lip quirking in a half-smile as well. “Aye, well… that’s another problem, isn’t it?” he said, sighing deeply. “I still have to tell her about… you know… the surgery and all that,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just don’t know how she’ll take it. You know, with her husband dying of cancer and all… I’ve been avoiding tell her. Was nervous she’d scarper. Then again… after tonight I don’t know what might send her running. What if I butter my toast the wrong way… at this rate that could end it!” he said, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. 

Ellie looked at him reprovingly. “Don’t start that, Hardy,” she warned. “She come around. And you should tell her soon. Who knows… instead of pushing her away, it might well help her realize her troubles aren’t the only ones in the world. Sometimes it helps put your life in perspective when you realize you’re not alone in your suffering, yeah?”

Alec sighed. She was right. Either way, if Rose agreed to even see him again after tonight’s blunder… whatever it actually _was_... he’d have to come clean. It’s not like he had much longer before he’d _have_ to.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The ride in the taxi back to the Traders had been very quiet on Rose’s part, with her lost in her feelings of self-pity. And immersing herself in that feeling for the length of the trip had been far from cleansing. In fact, if anything, all it did was cement her feelings of confusion and anger at the universe. 

It hadn’t taken long before she’d arrived back at the hotel and she was back in her room, alone. Feeling the need to wash herself of the gnawing uncertainty that was clawing at her, she stepped in the shower and turned on the hot water, beginning the mechanical act of washing.

_‘Shiver and Shake’_

_‘Which one’s Shiver?’_

_‘Oh, I’m Shake.’_

It was one sliver of a conversation she’d had with her Doctor so long ago now. Only a sliver. It could be a coincidence. But... how could it be? What were the chances? A man who looks _exactly_ like the Doctor. If it had been the first couple of words only… maybe she could’ve gotten over it right then and there. The characters weren’t unheard of, after all. But she’d pressed on with the rest of conversation as she’d remembered it and to her horror, he’d answered her question exactly as He had so long ago. 

Replaying the moment over and over, though, she couldn’t shake the look of complete dismay in his eyes at her reaction. He really had no idea. He honestly didn’t know what those words would mean to her. She was sure he didn’t. If he had been the Doctor, surely a spark of recognition would’ve ignited at seeing her reaction to those phrases. But his surprise at her tears was genuine. There was no faking the complete confusion he’d shown when she responded as she did. 

Of course he was confused, she chided herself. He _wasn’t_ the Doctor. This… poor man… he’d only been trying to make light conversation, when suddenly the woman he’d been innocently flirting with decided to have a nervous breakdown right in front of his eyes and left in a whirlwind of tears and babble. 

Remembering the expressions of confusion and hurt she’d spied on his face in the doorway of Ellie’s, she felt a tendril of guilt spiral through her. The poor man had no idea. How could he be the Doctor? If he _was_ the Doctor, those words would’ve been more telling for him. She was positive of that. How could he possibly have uttered them and _not_ have expected her reaction. No. He hadn’t expected her reaction because he _wasn’t_ the Doctor! And now… because she was so… _fucked up_ … she’d probably lost a chance for more with him. 

The thought made her actually ache, and that struck her. She _really_ liked him. He was chivalrous, charming, funny, and romantic. He was… magnetic. And she’d possibly just bollocks-ed up her chances of ever spending time with him again. 

Realizing she’d just been standing idle under the running water, she turned it off and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel. Drying herself off, she once again found herself standing before the bathroom mirror studying her reflection. She’d washed her face of make-up and tear stains and now all that was left was her. How could this bare and vulnerable woman be anything to _anyone_ anymore, though? She was so wound up that a misspoken phrase sent her off the deep end! And the poor bloke who’d spoken it had been left high and dry, no doubt thinking she really _was_ an absolute loon!

She shook her head, realizing what she was doing. She was trying to give herself an excuse to give up. Was she giving up? The idea sat very wrongly inside her. Giving up was _not_ something she did. Not anymore. She’d promised him she wouldn’t.

Alec was… incredible. She would be an idiot to let her insecurities and self-pity get the better of her. And God damnit… she _deserved_ some happiness again. It was her Doctor himself who’d insisted she find it. And something in her heart told her that Alec was the key. _He_ was her chance at happiness. He was the brass ring, and she wasn’t about to stop reaching for it, not until someone stopped the carousel and forced her to get off. 

Determination set into her then. She needed to talk to him. To apologize. She needed to come clean and tell him _exactly_ why his words had affected her so much. Honesty was the only way she’d win him back. She felt it and she trusted the feeling. Going against her instincts had never done her any favours so she shouldn’t start doing so now.

Moving into the room, her eyes shot to the clock. It was already eleven. What if he was asleep? Should she wait until morning, maybe? Then, deciding that _no_ , she couldn’t wait, she grabbed up a pair of knickers and jeans and was about to slide them on when someone knocked at the door. She knew who it would be immediately. Adrenaline and desperation suddenly coursed through her. Dropping her clothes, she pulled her robe tightly around her and moved quickly to the door, opening it wide. 

Standing on the other side of it was Alec. He looked tense and nervous. “Rose, I…”

“Oh, Alec, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry,” she said, impulsively throwing her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. He stood there for a moment, rigid. Oh God… she’d hoped… she’s thought maybe…

But then he pulled up his arms and wrapped them around her, squeezing her in even tighter against him, nuzzling his nose in her hair. “I’m sorry, too, Rose…”

“No,” Rose said, instantly pulling back. “You have absolutely _nothing_ to be sorry for, Alec. It’s not you You’ve been… perfect. It’s me… I’m not… oh, God…” she trailed off, her earlier adrenaline dissolving into weariness.

“Shhh,” he whispered repeatedly into her hair, stroking it. The feeling of his hand in her hair was beyond comforting. So far beyond, in fact, that it was almost arousing. Absorbed in the feel of him against her, she allowed herself a moment to really _feel_ him. He was warm. So warm. His heart was beating so quickly… he was probably as anxious as she was, she figured, feeling the speedy thrum of his heartbeat under her cheek. 

“I know I should’ve waited until morning, Rose, but I needed to talk to you… to make sure you were alright,” he elaborated, pulling back to look down at her. 

“No… I’m so glad you came. I was about to knock on your door, actually,” she said. Then, realizing that they were basically standing in the doorway, she took his hand and guided him inside. “We need to talk, Alec… I need to tell you something,” she said, biting her lip as she led him to sit on the side of the bed. 

Alec sat nervously, taking a deep breath seemingly to steady himself. Oh God. This was it. He was going to storm out and never talk to her again, he’d be heartbroken, or he’d need time to think for a while. None of those options seemed at _all_ idyllic, but she’d be naive to think he’d react differently. 

Sitting carefully beside him, she worried her lips with her teeth. She needed to be strong. “Alec… remember how I said that at first, when you’d asked me out, I wasn’t sure if I should?”

He nodded, swallowing.

“Well… there’s a reason for that,” she said nervously. 

“Rose… if it’s because of the Doctor… I think I understand,” he broached.

Rose blinked. “You do?” 

He nodded. “I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to lose your spouse, Rose. Not that way. So even though I’m not saying this from personal experience, I think it’s normal to be confused when you first start dating again after the person who you thought you’d spend your life with passes away. God knows, I’m confused enough, and my ex-wife is still alive,” he said, smiling a bit.

Rose felt herself smile back tentatively. Well… he was half right. She was _definitely_ confused. “You’re right, of course. That’s a big part of it,” she agreed, taking both his hands in hers. She just needed to hold them one more time before the other shoe fell and he pulled away. “The other part though… the part that I’ve been wanting… well, not _wanting_ to tell you, is why…” she swallowed thickly, “...why I reacted the way I did tonight.” 

Looking up at him, she found his eyes burrowing into hers, as if somehow he would support her by merely looking at her. Her heart ached. He wouldn’t _want_ to look at her for much longer, she sadly acknowledged, not after she said this. “Alec… my husband… the Doctor… you… Oh God… how can I say this?” she moaned, wishing she was as eloquent with words as her Doctor had been. Alec merely continued looking at her supportively, waiting. “The truth is… you look _a lot_ like him,” she said tentatively. “Quite a bit, actually,” she said, trying to stay calm. “And sometimes, you even sound like him. Even the things he used to say...” she said woefully, looking down at their joined hands. Consciously and gently, she pulled her hand away. 

Unable to look up into his eyes, she continued, “I, um, I understand if you… if you don’t want to see me anymore,” she said, her voice breaking despite her quite heroic efforts to reign in her emotions. “But I thought it wouldn’t be fair of me to…to...”

Her sentence was interrupted by a warm hand sliding under her chin. Tilting her head up, as he had last night, Alec’s eyes found hers. She hadn’t wanted to look in his eyes. Not after what she’d just said. After the hurt and confusion she’d been responsible for putting in them earlier this evening, she couldn’t bare to see what they might have in store after this tidbit of information. But he’d not offered her the choice. He’d insisted she look and see what she’d caused in him. And to her utter dismay, it wasn’t anger. Or even hurt. It was… understanding. 

Oh God. She didn’t deserve that from him. She desperately, desperately _wanted_ it, but she didn’t deserve it. And surely he was hurt? God… she hadn’t meant to hurt him, but she’d assumed her admission would have cut him a bit. _She_ would’ve been hurt in his position, she knew. 

But no. Neither hurt or anger seemed to be reflected in his eyes. 

Then he did something she _really_ hadn’t expected. Not in any of the scenarios she’d imagined about how this would play out. He leaned in and kissed her. And it wasn’t the tentative kiss it had started out as last night. They hadn’t snogged since the night before, and if she’d thought _that_ had been a passionate kiss… she’d been sorely misinformed, because now, as his tongue begged entrance to her mouth and he moved to run his fingers through her damp hair, she was experiencing what a _real_ kiss from Alec Hardy could be.

Lost in the sensation, Rose ran her hands along the strong curve of his back over his jacket making him issue a soft moan against her lips. The sound made her want to do _anything_ that might encourage him to make that sound again, but before she could, Alec had elicited almost the exact same sound from her by running his own hands down her back until they reached the top of her backside and slid back up again. 

A shiver ran through her as his hands roamed along the silky fabric covering her back even as their lips continued their own exploration. Breaking contact with her mouth, Alec trailed kisses down across her jaw and down her neck, making Rose lean her head back to grant him better access. His lips pressed soft feather light kisses on her skin even as the scruff on his chin gently scraped against her neck, making her tingle. 

Deciding there were too many layers between them, Rose pushed him back a bit and tugged at his jacket to slide it over his shoulders. Helping, Alec removed it completely, letting it slump with a soft thud onto the floor beside the bed, then dipped back in to capture her lips again. Enjoying the exploration of each other’s mouths for a while, Rose revelled in their closeness, thoroughly delighting in the sensation of his lips against hers. It wasn’t long, though, before she wanted more. Needed it. 

Rose’s heart rate quickened. Was she ready for this? To move to the next step with Alec already? Surely it was too soon. Way too soon. Pulling back from him, she stood up before him, looking down at his heated gaze now raking over her still covered body. He wanted her. That much was very clear. And she wanted him. Alec. She wanted Alec. She wanted to feel him, touch him… taste him. _Him._ This incredible man who looked like her Doctor but wasn’t. He was his own man… a fantastic one. A man she wanted to know more, and one she wanted in a way she’d thought she’d not want anyone ever again. 

Yes. She was ready. She wanted this. She wanted _him_.

Bravely, she gripped the sash of her robe and pulled at it to let it the fabric of the soft garment drape open to frame her naked body. 

Alec’s mouth gaped open and a soft breath escaped him. “Rose…” he breathed.

Her name on his lips made her even more brave, and she shrugged the robe off her shoulders so it floated in a soft rustle to the ground. Standing before him, completely bare, she watched him look at her. She would’ve normally felt ridiculous trying something this daring, but his reaction to her boldness took away her trepidation. His eyes, now almost impossibly dark, seemed to graze over her, soaking her in as they moved slowly down her form. Standing, he moved in so his entire body was only inches from hers, but not yet touching. Electricity seemed to spark in the air between them as they he stood towering over her, seemingly aching to touch her but yet not doing so. 

“Rose… are you sure?” he asked dryly, his voice husky.

Looking up into his entreating, hungry eyes, she nodded. “I’m sure,” she answered positively, hopefully conveying the same amount of need he was showing for her. He continued to stand before her, unsure. Almost wanting to roll her eyes at his chivalry, she knew she’d have to take the lead here. As if taking off her robe wasn’t proof enough for him that she really wanted this with him. That she was sure. 

Reaching her hands out to gently take the hem of his jumper and vest, Rose began inching them upward. “I want this with you, Alec,” she affirmed softly. Sensually. Now pulling his clothes up further, Alec helped by lifting his arms and allowing her to yank the garments up and over his head. She dropped them unceremoniously on the floor beside them. Alec swallowed dryly, his hands idle by his sides but his eyes darker than she’d ever seen them. Rose’s hands began softly roaming over the sparse hair on his chest and as she did so he closed his eyes. She was truly enjoying this and judging by the soft moan he let escape from his parted lips, he was too. 

Allowing her hands to drop down his torso, she slid them along his abdomen down toward his belt to undo it, studying their progress as she did so. She heard a soft hiss escape him as her finger dipped beneath the button of his jeans to undo the button and his breath quickened as she slowly trailed the zipper down. Moving her hands to peel his jeans down, Alec now began moving in an effort to assist her and before long they had his jeans, socks and shoes off and lying discarded beside his jumper. 

“Lie down,” Rose whispered in his ear as he stood. For a moment Rose wondered if she was maybe pushing her very mild show of dominance too far for their first encounter, but quickly she was rewarded with his compliance and he moved to lie down on the bed.

Moving to sit beside him, Rose studied his form in the soft light of the bedside lamp and allowed herself to drink him in. She didn’t want to go where her mind took her, but she couldn’t help it… was powerless to stop it. He looked _so_ like her Doctor. If it was possible, he was slightly thinner, but otherwise, he could have been him. This _wasn’t_ him, though, she chastised herself. This was Alec. Closing her eyes, she repeated the mantra. This is Alec. Alec. 

A moment later she felt him tilt her head back by lifting her chin with his hand. It was, she was learning, a very _Alec_ gesture. The thought revitalized her. Opening her eyes, she found him sitting with his eyes boring deeply into hers. “You okay?” he asked, sounding concerned and a bit nervous.

Looking back to find a gaze that was so _not_ the Doctor’s, Rose found even more strength and resolve in herself. Feeling more sure of this than she had of almost anything in the last year, she answered very truthfully, “Yeah… I am. ‘M just… happy,” she said, barely believing the deep truth of it even as a smile began to spread across her lips. “You just make me happy, Alec,” she affirmed.

A return smile found Alec’s features with her admission, and he brushed his thumb across her cheek. “God, you’re beautiful,” he said reverently, leaning in to claim her lips again. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her on top of him as he lay back on the bed so her naked body was flush against his. Flipping her over, Alec hovered over her as if he’d conquered her. And if Rose thought it had been arousing having a bit of control over _him_... she’d not known the meaning of the word before. Having him linger over her, his eyes bearing down on her… knowing he wanted her… the feeling was electric.

He didn’t linger long, however, before he dipped down and captured her breast in his mouth. Rose let out a hiss of pleasure as he sucked and nipped at her sensitive skin there and soon his hand found her other breast to knead it firmly while he continued paying homage to its twin. Trailing kisses then across the valley between her breasts, he then found the other with his tongue and teeth, taking care to pay it equal attention. Rose’s hands roamed over his shoulders and through his hair as he proceeded to lavish his attentions to the soft skin under her breast and further down to her abdomen. His own hands smoothed over the sensitive skin between her thighs and she hissed another breath in with the electrifying touch paired with the wet strokes of his tongue against the top of her curls.

“I want to taste you, Rose,” he said almost reverently, looking up at her, his eyes dilated and fully betraying his arousal. Rose’s heart almost beat itself out of her chest with his admission, and she felt her centre moisten further with anticipation. He seemed to be waiting for permission, and far be it from her not to give him what he wanted. Nodding mutely, she could only watch as a feral smile lit his face before he moved in to swipe her sex with a hot, wet lick. 

Rose’s hips nearly shot off the bed with the action and Alec chuckled darkly, taking her hips in his hands to anchor her down before closing in to tend to her with his tongue once again. Needy whimpers issued from her lips with the pressing and curling movements of his tongue, but it was when she felt his fingers slip into her that an unhindered moan escaped her. His tongue continued it’s persistent and incredible stimulation of her most sensitive nerve bundle while his fingers worked her very responsive front wall. The combination of the two sensations had her quickly spiraling into heady bliss, leaving her choking out his name along with a number of curses and one particularly high pitched keening wail before coming back to herself to lie panting on the bed beneath him.

Alec emerged from between her thighs, his eyes bright and his lips shining. Looking down at his rather smug expression, Rose smiled and reached for him. Climbing up her body, Alec found her lips and snogged her soundly, leaving her to taste herself on him. As if _that_ wasn’t hot enough, his still very insistent erection was pressing against her thigh, making her crave more of him. 

“I want you,” she panted in his ear, reaching down to grab his arse, fully enjoying the strength of the tense muscles under the soft skin there. 

“You’ve got me,” he said in a whispered promise.

His words hit Rose in a deep, buried place and the profound meaning reverberated through her to once again ignite her passion. Parting her legs, she helped Alec shift to find her centre and even though she was more than ready for him, he entered her slowly, inch by satisfying inch until he was finally fully sheathed inside her. Stilling for a moment, he was clearly making sure she’d adjusted before beginning to move, but Rose had enough of careful. Wrapping her legs around him, she dug her heels insistently into his backside to encourage him to move. He responded with a guttural moan and, as if she’d unleashed something primal in him, he pulled out and pushed himself forcefully home, making Rose groan with filled satisfaction. Her reaction stilled him for a moment, but Rose moaned an insistent “Don’t stop,” and encouraged him to repeat his actions by pushing her pelvis up against him and once again bringing her heels to bare on his arse. Alec immediately took up his movement again, taking her as forcefully as he had the first time. “Oh God!” Rose moaned, digging her nails into the skin of his back. Her breathy words and piercing nails spurred him to a more frenzied pace and Rose allowed herself to get lost in the momentum of his almost punishing movements and the satiating pleasure of him filling her over and over again. Alec apparently wasn’t satisfied with her merely losing herself, however, because his hand snaked between them to find her still very sensitive centre and with only a few deft circles she found herself once again flying into exquisite release. Alec followed close behind her, shouting his own climax with her name on his lips.


	10. Permission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This chapter and I had a fight. I vised and revised and rerevised. It won. I think hopefully for the better, but you all can let me know if that’s true!!!
> 
> We've still got quite a journey ahead, so even though the waters seem relatively calm right now... don't get to comfy!!!
> 
> SO... this chapter... Angst… followed by a reward for wading through the angst. :)

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 10: Permission

Lying sated in the aftermath of their lovemaking, Rose lay snuggled against Alec’s naked body under the comforter of the hotel bed. He’d been a _very_ attentive lover. God… he was fantastic. The room was lit only by a small bedside lamp and she watched him breathe as he lay, still slightly breathless beside her. She had to admit… his continued breathlessness worried her a bit. Should she mention it? If he had asthma, he should really have it addressed. She hoped to be doing a lot more of… uh, _this_ with him, and she hated to think that she might induce a huge asthma attack because she couldn't keep her hands off of him! 

Of course, the actual ‘making love’ part had been unexpected so soon, Rose mused. Especially after how she’d left Ellie’s earlier. A small sliver of worry ghosted over her then. What if they’d rushed things? No. What if _she’d_ rushed things? It wasn’t like Alec hadn’t tried to make sure she was ready for such a leap, because he had. Oh… and he’d been SO sexy as he had, she recalled. Warmth spread through her lower belly with the memory. She sighed inwardly. Bloody hormones. She hadn’t been with anyone since the Doctor, of course, and she had to admit her unassailable need for him had pretty much blindsided her. She wanted to think that this had been a rational decision… to move to this with Alec… but now that things had been, er… resolved, she couldn’t help but worry a bit. 

Not that she didn’t feel ready. Because, she was pretty sure she did. She’d needed to move on. To make a break from the past and embrace change. 

Immediately she reprimanded herself. Now THAT was an idiotic way to justify what just happened, wasn’t it? Shagging your way to acceptance and a new life. Brilliant rationale, that. But… it wasn’t about that, a tiny voice shouted from somewhere deep inside her mind. What _had_ it been about then? 

Closing her eyes, she relived the start of their interaction earlier. The memory of her telling him he looked like the Doctor came solidly into her mind. She’d thought that would be it. He’d be so angry he’d be done with her or he’d be so hurt he wouldn’t be able to even look at her. But he’d been neither of those. In fact… his reaction had been beyond reason. He’d kissed her. On her lips… on her neck...

The memory of that particular moment sent tingles through her. He’d demonstrated his reaction instead of saying it out loud, and she could barely believe what kind of reaction it had been. Wait. _THAT’S_ why. That’s why she’d decided she needed him right then… why she’d chosen to jump into this with him. Not because he’d seduced her, but because somewhere deep within her, she knew he was the one. Because if he could react to her admission that way… he was a man that she wanted in her life. No one else would have been as understanding as he had been. 

Then another very unwelcome thought came to her. What if… what if he reacted that way because he hadn’t really truly understood what she’d been trying to tell him earlier. About the Doctor? Maybe he wasn’t angry because he didn’t really hear what she’d been trying to say. 

Alec must have felt her body tense up beside him then, because he wrapped his arm around her a bit more tightly and planted a kiss in her hair. A bit of anxiety fell away with this spontaneous show of affection, but certainly not all of it. “You okay?” Alec’s voice rumbled through his chest and into her ear.

Tilting her head so she could see his face, Rose gathered her courage and broached, “Alec… I think we should talk about… what I said earlier, yeah? About how you… how you look like him. Like the Doctor. I mean… not that I _want_ you to be or anything, but aren’t you, you know… upset? I mean, _I_ would be. I’m pretty sure I would be,” she added. 

Alec looked down at her while his hand stroked her bare arm. “Rose, I’m not hurt. If anything, I suppose I’m not really surprised. I think we gravitate toward people who are familiar to us in some way. If I’m truly honest, I’d have to come clean and admit that you look a wee bit like my ex. You’re much, _much_ more attractive, though,” he added quickly. 

Rose giggled. “I hope so,” she said, smiling widely, drawing circles on his chest with her finger. “But Alec… I want you to know…” she said, her countenance turning more serious, “I care about you. And even if you look like him… I don’t like you because of that. I like you for who you are,” she said, wanting him to understand where she was coming from.

“I should hope so,” he grinned affectionately down at her. “It’s not easy to find a cranky forty-something year old cradle robber detective these days. I’m quite a catch,” he said matter-of-factly. 

Giggling, Rose slapped his chest playfully. “Oi!” he protested. “Careful there. Bones break easier at my age,” he cautioned.

“Oh, shut it, you!” Rose laughed, settling back down to lie on his chest again.

After a moment of silence, Alec’s voice tentatively drifted over her. “And If I didn’t look like him a bit, would you even have noticed me?” he asked innocently. It didn’t escape her though, that there was a slightly insecure tone underlying his question.

Looking up affectionately at him, Rose smiled reassuringly. “Of course I would’ve, you plum! You’re smart, and you’re caring… and you saved my life, after all!” 

“Oh, right. There was that,” he said, remembering. “Yeah, I suppose that might drawn your attention to me a wee bit,” he said, his Scottish accent growing a little thicker with the last few words. 

“I love that you’re Scottish,” Rose sighed, still tracing patterns on Alec’s chest. 

Alec’s eyebrows rose at that. “Oh? Why’s that, then?” he asked, grinning a bit.

“Because. It’s you. It’s just… you. And I love it,” she said, smiling.

“Well, I’m glad you approve,” he chuckled. “Not that I could do much to change it, mind. I’m rubbish at accents,” he shared.

“Oh?” Rose said, curious. “Go on. Give it a try. How about… Chinese,” Rose challenged.

Alec laughed. “Rose… I told you, I’m rubbish at accents! I wasn’t kidding!” 

“Awww… come on then. Give us a Chinese accent,” she grinned.

Rolling his eyes, he tried, “Come on! Let’s go to Hong Kong!” he intoned in possibly the _worst_ accent Rose had ever heard. 

She burst out laughing even as Alec tried to look offended. “Oi! That was my best Chinese accent!” he defended. “How about you, then?” he challenged. “You try it!”

Rose’s laughter died down a bit and she tried to school her face into something serious before opening her mouth to sing an incredibly awful Chinese accent herself using the same words.

This time it was Alec’s turn to laugh, which he did, quite heartily. Rose joined in immediately after her attempt, knowing how horrid it really had been.

“Okay,” Alec said, after he finally managed to calm himself, “How about French? Can you do a French accent?” he asked, “‘Cause I can actually do that one. Not well, mind, but it’s a bit better than my Chinese accent,” he said with mock seriousness.

Rose smiled. “Oh yeah? Go on, then,” she encouraged, her tongue touching her teeth, waiting for the ensuing horrid attempt.

“How ‘bout this,” he said. “Let us go to Paris! Allons-y!” he said, grinning.

Rose’s laughter died on her lips. Staring up at him, she once again could _not_ believe her ears. “What?”

“Was that not good?” he asked chuckling, assuming she was feigning disgust at his poor attempt at a French accent. 

“Why… why did you say that?” Rose asked, her tone sounding almost panicked. 

“What? What did I say?” he said, now genuinely confused.

“That! You said, ‘Allons-y’. Why did you say that?” she demanded, panic turning to insistence.

His brows now furrowing, Alec answered rather gruffly, “Because you wanted to do bloody accents, that’s why! Jesus, Rose…” he said, pulling back further away from her. 

Tears once again prickled in her eyes and she sat up, turning her head away from him in case she wasn’t able to keep them from falling again. 

After a minute of silence, Alec heaved a long tired sigh and Rose felt the soft touch of his hand on her knee. 

“I’m sorry, Alec. I’m sorry again. It’s just that… he used to say that all the time. My Doctor. ‘Allons-y’. Was kind of his trademark line,” she choked. “Maybe… maybe I’m not ready for this. I thought I was… I want to move on with my life, but maybe… maybe I can’t. Even now… when I _want_ to start being happy… “ she trailed off, tears finally escaping. “I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you… I’m obviously not a very stable person to be around right now,” she said, fighting to stay in control.

“Hey,” he said softly, sliding in closer to her again, “it’s alright. I think you just have to be patient with yourself... and me, aye? I mean… maybe if you _expect_ that you’re sometimes gonna hear echoes of him it won’t be so bad when they happen?” he suggested. “And this… this is maybe too much too soon for you. It’s just… I really like you, Rose. A lot. And… if this is too fast for you, we can slow down… or, back up, or something, aye?”

Turning, she looked at him and drank him in. His deep brown eyes pierced her very soul and she wished she could just lose herself in them. They seemed to be able to see better things in her than she was able to see right now, and she was unbelievably grateful. Even after being hollered at for no apparent reason he was still trying to support her. She shook her head, once again amazed. 

Lifting her hand to cup his cheek, she whispered, “Thank-you.”

Alec smiled softly back. “For what?”

“For being you,” Rose said, and then leaned in to once again find solace in his touch.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Morning found Rose nestled in the crook of Alec’s body as he spooned her in his sleep. He'd taken her in his arms and held her until she finally fell asleep after her ridiculous outburst and it had been so sweet. God, she was lucky. He was even thoughtful in _bed_ , for God’s sake, she grinned, snuggling back against him. His body was so warm compared to her Doctor’s. Even though he’d been part human, the Doctor's body temperature had still been lower than hers. 

She immediately chastised herself. She’d had a night of absolutely _fantastic sex_ , and here she was thinking about her husband again. She sighed inwardly. She supposed she shouldn’t be too hard on herself. She’d already established that she’d accepted the man beside her as _Alec_ and that it was _him_ she was attracted to. And what had she expected? That she’d never ever think of her husband again? While she felt she’d accepted that this man _wasn’t_ the Doctor, could she really blame herself for thinking of him? It was probably normal for _any_ widow to think of her husband the first time she ventured outside the marriage bed. On top of that, Alec could be his _twin_ for heaven’s sake. Both of those things together made her stray thoughts pretty much inevitable and, dare she think it… forgivable.

She pondered this as she lay quietly, nestled against him, her mind leading her once again to the question she’d been asking herself since she’d first met Alec. How could it even be that she’d managed to meet a man who looked exactly like the Doctor? She’d been trying to convince herself that it was all just an incredible coincidence. That she’d just happened to have met an fantastic man who looked _exactly_ like the man she’d fallen in love with in a whole other universe. But of course it wasn’t a coincidence. But then… how? 

A few possibilities she’d been considering floated through her mind, each seemingly impossible. But there was one she thought she’d finally settled on, or at least one she felt was the most plausible. Maybe...it would stand to reason… in the interest of cosmic balance… there was a Doctor… or a Doctor look-a-like... in every universe. Perhaps there was some sort of… heavenly template of people… beings… that needed to manifest in some way, but not necessarily the _same_ way, in each universe? Sure, in _this_ universe he wasn’t a Time Lord, but maybe that’s not what this universe needed. She couldn’t imagine that. A universe that didn’t need the Doctor. But then, maybe somehow _her Doctor’s_ presence here had been anticipated and accommodated for in some cosmic way. Maybe it was what the universes had planned. To have only one Doctor per universe. In which case, her Doctor would’ve been this universe’s version, and another wouldn’t have been needed. She thought about the fallout of such a theory. If there was such a thing as a ‘cosmic template’, was there perhaps another version of _her_ in this universe somewhere? The thought made her shudder. Even considering such a massive universe balancing force was staggering, but after what she’d seen travelling with the Doctor, she never discounted any theory right off, no matter how incredible. 

What she found most interesting about her theory though, was that it seemed to buy her some peace with regard to her relationship with Alec. It would explain so much. His looks, his voice, even his words. If she accepted her own theory, then this man was basically a version of the Doctor. A very different one, admittedly, but he would be the living being ‘filling’ his spot in this universe. And if that was true, her growing affection for him was not only alright, but it was downright fated. Given their relationship in an alternate universe, wasn’t it just inevitable for them to meet in this one? If these universes were parallel, it would make sense if her energy was somehow drawn to his and his to hers, wouldn’t it? A tiny thrill of hope bloomed deep within her at the thought. She and Alec together. It had felt _right_ even when she’d been trying to deny it at the beginning. And if her theory was fact, then it all made sense.

Just then, the gorgeous man beside her moved, pulling her even closer to him. Feeling his warm body against hers, she felt a tingle of happiness. Her theory made sense. But no matter how much he might look like, sound like, or even quote her Doctor… he wasn’t him. That’s where it ended in this universe. He was Alec, and he was the one who she’d made love to and who was holding her in his arms. And that was brilliant. Perfect, even.

Snuggling back against him in contentment and newfound happiness, Rose heard a soft hum of appreciation buzz in her ear as he responded to her cuddle by undulating against her backside. Appreciating the feel of him, she pushed back against him further and felt him stir, his arm wrapping around her waist and pulling her in even closer against him. 

Warmth pooled in Rose’s groin with the sensation of his hard erection pressed against her backside and this time, unlike last night, she didn’t question her desire for him or her feelings about giving in to them. Instead, she slid her hand back to run it along his thigh and up to his bum, enjoying the feel of his bare skin under her fingers. 

Humming appreciatively, Alec began rocking against her more insistently and within moments his hand began its own quest. Soon she felt it roaming up her torso to cup her breast but it didn’t linger there long. Hissing a breath in, Rose felt his fingers run down feather light over her abdomen. She was bracing herself for the inevitable brush of his fingers against her centre when he surprised her by suddenly grasping her hip to pull her on top of him so she was lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling with his warm body directly beneath hers. His erection hard between her thighs, he ghosted his hands up and down her body. “You’re… gorgeous,” he murmured in her ear as her head lolled back against his shoulder, making her moan as her breasts pushed up into his questing hands. 

Continuing to pay homage to her breast with one hand, the other snaked down to the thatch of curls between her legs and quickly found it’s quarry. Rose gasped as he swirled his fingers around and over the taught bundle of nerves there, and it wasn’t long before she was writhing needily on top of him. Squeezing her thighs tightly together, she heard Alec moan deeply under her as the erection trapped between her legs was stimulated by her undulating movements above him. “Oh, God, Rose…” he whispered, breathily. Her attentions seemed to intensify the movement of his fingers as they played over her and soon Rose found herself panting and cursing. Alec’s own aroused breath puffed against her ear and it wasn’t long before she heard her name being repeated over and over, becoming more and more insistent as he got closer. Hearing her name uttered with such intensity and need combined with Alec’s nearly frantic circling of her apex was enough to send her over. Swimming headlong into bliss, Rose heard herself cry out as her climax hit her full force. Alec followed within moments, keening as his previously stored arousal shot up to soak the tops and insides of her thighs. 

Lying limply on top of him, Rose felt him soften between her legs. Smiling, she lifted her head to look down at herself. She grinned as she took in the evidence of his pleasure on her skin, pleased he’d had as good a time as she’d had. Looking over the side of the bed, she spotted her robe. Reaching, she managed to grab it up without too much effort and proceeded to use it to clean herself up. A soft grunt issued from under her as she rolled off of Alec to hand him the now damp garment to use on himself. 

“Morning, Detective” she said, grinning widely as he chucked the robe on the floor and wrapped himself around her middle.

“Morning,” he replied, smiling. “Now _that’s_ how I should wake up every morning. With a gorgeous blonde to interrogate,” he husked. 

Rose laughed. “Well, Now that you’ve thoroughly ‘investigated me’, should we get up and go find some coffee?” Rose suggested, contentedly playing with his hair as his head rested on her chest.

“Well… I may not _quite_ be done my investigation, Ms. Tyler,” he shared. “After all, you did try to resist climax earlier. I may have to arrest you for impeding a police investigation,” he smiled, his eyes still closed.

Rose giggled. “Well, that may be, Detective, but I’m afraid your detecting will have to wait until later. The moving lorry is coming today at ten, so I have to get a move on,” she smiled. 

“On your own?” he said in mock offense.

“Well, I didn’t want to assume,” she said, giving him a little smile.

Alec harrumphed. “As if I’m gonna let you go and face those young muscular moving men on your own. I think not,” he said, sounding gruff.

“Are you seriously jealous? Because I _really_ don’t think you have anything to be worried about. Those blokes have nothing on a man of the law,” she grinned.

“Oh? Well, I suppose that’s true,” he agreed, turning and planting a kiss on her breast. 

“That… and I bet you’ve got your own set of handcuffs. What could possibly compare to _that_?”

Alec grinned. “Also true,” he said, now trailing kisses between her breasts, heading toward her stomach.

“Alec… _really_... I have to get up. Not that I want to, but I still have to pack up here and I have to be there before they get there. And I really need caffeine or I’m gonna get cranky!” she laughed, gently pushing him off of her.

Alec sighed dramatically and rolled off of her. “Alright, fine. Still… I think you’d enjoy another, uh, undercover operation more than what you’ve got planned,” he said slyly.

Rose laughed again. “I’m sure I would, but sadly, if we don’t get moving the movers will probably leave all my stuff on the front stoop. Now shift,” she ordered lightly.

Reluctantly, Alec did as he was told and shuffled off the bed and sighed. “I might as well head back to my room and get ready there,” he said, thinking out loud. Grabbing up his pants from the floor he tugged them on.

“Alright. Meet me back here when you’re done?” Rose suggested, climbing out of her side of the bed.

Alec turned, his eyes unabashedly raking over Rose’s naked form now standing facing him. Rose found herself blushing under his scrutiny, but she stood her ground and put her hands on her hips. Smiling, she said lowly, “You better get a move on then.”

Alec visibly swallowed. “Um, yeah… I guess I should,” he said dryly, not moving.

Moving to the chair in the corner, she found a towel she’d left there yesterday and wrapped it around herself, effectively hiding herself from Alec’s hungry stare.

With that, Alec blinked and his brows furrowed. “Well, if you you’re gonna be like _that_...” he said grumpily.

Rose gave him a cheeky tongue touched smile as he left the room.


	11. Harbinger

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 11: Harbinger

Alec had gotten his beautiful blonde companion to her house in record time, having picked up coffee and muffins on the way there. When Rose had suggested she wasn’t really hungry, he’d insisted she choose something, and the more calorie heavy, the better, in his opinion. She was desperately attractive, but on the verge of too thin, he worried once again. She seemed to agree, as she didn’t argue with him. 

The moving lorry pulled up only fifteen minutes after they’d arrived and it wasn’t long before the young (and annoyingly buff) moving men began unloading her furniture and boxes. Rose had directed them around the house and while she did so Alec decided he could make himself useful by installing her new countertop. It took him a full hour to do so, but by the time he was done the movers were done and leaving. Finally alone, Rose inspected his work and snogged him soundly in payment, which, he told her, was only the first installment of a larger fee. 

From there, they decided to tackle one room at a time. Rose chose to have them start in the bedroom first to ensure that at least her bed got put together today. He’d readily agreed with her choice of rooms, making the odd suggestive comment about that room rightly being a priority. 

“So… why are you still living at the Traders?” Rose asked as she screwed part of the headboard to the bedframe. “You planning to leave soon?” she asked lightly.

It was a fair question. He’d been here for just under a year now. “Well,” he started,”at first I was pretty sure I’d be here only for the length of the investigation. Then I was gonna put in for a transfer.”

Rose’s eyebrows rose at this. “Really? What changed your mind?” 

Alec tilted his head in thought. “I, uh, had wrapping up to do with the case, and then with Ellie and the kids… I wasn’t ready to look into moving just yet,” he shared. It was true. It just wasn’t the _whole_ truth. This would be his opening, though. It would be a perfect segway into the discussion of his health. 

“Oh,” Rose answered, obviously thinking about that. “So… is that something you’re still planning then? Moving?” she ventured, biting her lip. 

The action actually pulled at his heart. She was concerned about it. Part of him didn’t like that he was causing her anxiety in any way, but another part of him felt a bit chuffed that she was concerned he might leave. “I think I’d pretty much resigned myself to staying here over these last few weeks,” he shared, watching her release a little breath. “Besides, I think I need to look at moving on… and away from my old life,” he added. 

When Rose looked at him, he elaborated. “I know I might have sounded like I’ve sorted out my own issues that night I gave you advice on the beach, but... I’m still a pretty broken man, Rose,” he admitted. He took a deep breath. He had wanted to come clean. Well… this was the start. He might as well tell her the whole thing. In for a penny, as they say. “It was a very, uh, unfortunate separation between my wife and I,” he elaborated. “The long and short of it is… she found someone else. I should’ve read the signs, but I was blind. It’s not like we’d been desperately happy before then,” he shared. “But I hadn’t thought… well, I was naive enough to assume it would work out. I certainly didn’t think that’s how it might end. Anyway…” he sighed deeply before continuing, “I was angry. For a long time. I held onto it for a long time. And… well, Broadchurch was the last place I thought I might make peace with it. I hated it here at first. All the people were so bloody… _happy_ all the time,” he smiled sadly in remembrance, catching Rose’s sympathetic smile in return. “But the place kinda grows on a person,” he shared. “And… I might have found another reason to hang around here for a while yet,” he said, shooting her a shy glance from where he was working.

Rose smiled brightly at that, her cute tongue snaking out between her front teeth. God… she had no idea how much he wanted to snog her when she did that.

“Well… I can’t say I’m sorry to hear that,” Rose said, moving to assemble the other side of the headboard. “I think Broadchurch would miss you if you left,” she smiled.

“Aye? Just Broadchurch?” he asked innocently.

“Well, _I_ might miss you a bit too,” she shared, grinning.

Alec felt his stomach tumble happily at her comment. Jesus… he was forty-two years old and he was amazed how he reacted like a sixteen year old with this woman. But she brought it out in him. Once again, he marvelled at how young she made him feel. How fantastic she was and how her youthful energy filled him. Honestly, when he thought of a possible future with this adorable blonde, blushing woman sitting across from him, he felt a euphoric buzz of energy blooming in his mind that he never remembered feeling before. She was impossible. He wondered as he gazed at her now, if she was somehow a consolation gift from the universe for having subjected him to the life he’d had to lead on earth so far. It seemed an odd way to think about it, but it was true. His life hadn’t been easy. He had often felt he’d been dealt a crappy hand when it came to finding something akin to happiness in his adult life. But he was almost ready to admit he might actually be being given a chance at it now. With Rose.

Finally, having screwed the head and footboard in place on the bed frame, they were ready to put the boxspring and mattress on. 

“Right. How ‘bout you grab that side and I’ll take this one,” Rose suggested, standing on one side of the offending bulky piece of furniture, “and we’ll just lift it over the footboard and slide it on?” 

“Your wish is my command,” he said, smiling. Rose grinned back. 

Lifting the box spring wasn’t a problem and they had it in place within a few seconds. “Alright. Now for the mattress,” Rose said studying the heavier piece currently leaning against the wall. 

“No problem,” Alec said, moving to one side of it. “Same as the boxspring, aye?” he said, grabbing one side of the mattress.

Looking at it a bit warily, Rose moved to the other side of it. Tilting it over, they both heaved it up at the same time. It was heavier than it looked even, and they had to really push to get it on top of the bottom layer of the bed. Must be down filled or some damn thing, Alec lamented. If _he_ was finding it heavy, he wondered how Rose was faring. Looking over, he noticed she was having to use muscle, but she didn’t seem nearly as put out by lifting it as he was. 

Finally, pushing it in place, they got the mattress where it needed to go. Leaning over and bracing himself on his knees with his hands, Alec took a few deep breathes. Damn it. His body wasn’t up for even _this_ he cursed, feeling his heart start to race and sweat begin to form on his brow. Panting, he turned and eased himself down to sit on the side of the bed. 

Deep breaths. In. Out. Calm. Steady. Closing his eyes, he willed his heart to stop racing. Thankfully, within a moment, it did. 

“Alec… are you okay?” Rose’s worried voice floated over him.

Looking up, Rose’s beautiful face shone before him. Oh, God… he’d worried her. “I’m fine, Rose. Just a bit out of breath, that’s all. Not as young as I once was,” he shared, standing up.

Rose sat beside him on the bed and looked at him dubiously. “You know, Alec, you should really get that checked out, yeah? This isn’t the first time you’ve been a bit breathless,” she said, worry permeating her voice.

Determine to lighten the mood, Alec winked, “I can’t help it, Rose. You’re quite energetic, after all,” he said cheekily. 

Rose blushed and hit him lightly on the arm. “Oi!” she laughed. “I mean it, though. You should really see someone about that. Maybe its asthma or something,” she suggested.

Yeah. Or _something_. A twinge of guilt bit at him. “Yeah, maybe I will,” he said, suddenly very interested in examining a box in the corner of the room. 

Rose released a deep breath, obviously trying to decide how to broach something. “Maybe you should just relax for a bit, yeah? Catch your breath?” she suggested, trying to look nonchalant but only coming off sounding worried. 

“I’m fine Rose,” he said, offering her a placating look. “Fit as a fiddle,” he lied, not exactly sure why he was doing so. 

She looked at him dubiously and then said, “Alright then. If you’re sure.”

He had planned to tell her… this would be a perfect opportunity. He really should take it. Right. Tell her. Right now. Take a deep breath and just be honest. 

“Rose…” he started, nervously.

“Yeah?” she said, looking up at him, her hazel eyes once again reflecting her concern. She looked so… small and vulnerable right now, staring up into his eyes seemingly expecting the worst. 

He sighed inwardly. He couldn’t do it. Not yet. He’d tell her, though. He would. Just… not right now. She wasn’t ready. That’s why he was putting this off, he decided. After the way Rose had reacted to him last night, he was downright frightened of pushing her away. It was almost like she was looking for an excuse to end this relationship before it even got off its feet, and he didn’t fancy giving her the ammunition to do it. He needed to give her a couple of days to feel more comfortable with 'them' before he sprung the fantastic news on her that he was effectively a ‘dud’ in terms of his health. Then he’d tell her.

Knowing she was waiting for him to finish his statement, he decided against trying to come up with something verbal and just leaned down to kiss her. 

Her mouth was soft and warm against his and he let himself get lost in the feeling. God. _This_ was what he wanted to live for. Rose’s hand rose to stroke the side of his face as they pressed against together for another few moments, revelling in each other. 

Finally, it was Rose who broke away, her lips kissed red and her cheeks flushed. Smiling, she pulled back. “Well, I suppose if you can snog me enough to take _my_ breath away then you’re okay,” she grinned, planting one more kiss on his lips before getting up. “So... help me with the kitchen table?” she asked, tongue in teeth. 

“Only if you let me put food on it for us later?” he countered, knowing she’d try to pay again if he didn’t.

Frowning, she seemed to carefully consider his offer. “Alright. You drive a hard bargain, Detective,” she smiled.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

They spent the afternoon mostly in the kitchen putting the table together and unpacking kitchen boxes. Time had gone by so quickly that neither of them really noticed they’d missed lunch altogether and it was closing in on suppertime. 

Pulling herself out of the last of the kitchen boxes, Rose sighed mightily. “I’m exhausted,” she admitted, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. 

Alec couldn’t say he disagreed, as he was beginning to feel the effects of having missed a meal. Pulling the last fry pan out of the box he’d currently been emptying, he suggested, “How about we finish up the last of these boxes and then I’ll go get something and bring it back?”

“Sounds brilliant,” Rose grinned. “But… maybe you could just help me shift some boxes around in the living room so we can get at the couch? I’d rather sit in there, if it’s allright?” she suggested.

“I could maybe do that,” he smiled.

Moving into the living room, they surveyed the mess before them. “I don’t want to try to tackle any of this now, I just want to rearrange it a bit so we can get to the couch,” she said, bending at the knees to pick up a heavy box blocking the path.

“Here, let me get that,” he suggested, gently shooing her away to take her place beside the box. 

“Are you sure?” she said, “I don’t mind doing it myself.”

“Rose… what good is it having a man around if you don’t take advantage of him?” he smiled. 

Rose rolled her eyes and let him take over. Kneeling down, Alec slid his hands under the bottom edges of the heavy box and straightened his back to lift it. It really _was_ heavy, he noted, grunting audibly on heaving it upward. Finally, standing, he moved to the front wall and knelt down again to place the box on the ground again. 

He was about to stand up again when he found he couldn’t. It suddenly felt like a heavy weight was pressing on him from above, inhibiting him from rising. Sweat broke out on his forehead as his head began to swim. His heart was now racing again, as if planning to escape his chest somehow. 

Once again, he tried to take slow, deep breaths. Closing his eyes, he worked to try to calm himself. This time, though, none of it was working. Panic began to seize him even as his mind seemed to slow everything around him to half-time.

As if hearing her from inside a long tunnel, Alec heard Rose’s voice filter through the growing pain in his chest. “Alec!” She sounded worried. He didn’t like hearing her like that, his muddled thoughts told him as her voice repeated his name again. 

Bloody hell. So much for letting Rose know in his own time, he lamented. A sad, increasingly befuddled part of him began imagining Rose glaring down at him, beyond angry at him for keeping this from her. She’d be done with him now, surely. How could she possibly watch someone go through life threatening surgery after what she’d been through with her husband? He’d really hoped she’d get to know him a bit more before she wrote him off for his crappy biology. Damn it. And he was so hoping they’d have a chance at making this work.


	12. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has become a much larger entity than I'd imagined, and I'm enjoying writing it immensely! I'm going to post the rest of this story quickly, as the sequel is already written and waiting. 
> 
> For those of you along for the ride, thank-you for reading!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 12: Truth

_Once again, he tried to take slow, deep breaths. Closing his eyes, he worked to try to calm himself. This time, though, none of it was working. Panic began to seize him even as his mind seemed to slow everything around him to half-time._

_As if hearing her from inside a long tunnel, Alec heard Rose’s voice filter through the growing pain in his chest. “Alec!” She sounded worried. He didn’t like hearing her like that his muddled thoughts told him as her voice repeated his name again._

Dazed, his hand planted solidly on his chest, he looked up to find Rose’s concerned face close to his. Maybe she could help? How. Ohhhh… pills. He needed his pills. Those would help.

“Pills,” he heard his voice grunt at her. Her beautiful brow furrowed. “In my… jacket… pocket…” he panted.

“Pills!” she repeated, moving away. 

Moving away. He didn’t want her to move away. “Rose…” he called. She wasn’t coming. “Rose!”

“I’m here! I’m here, Alec,” she said, appearing before him like an angel. God she was beautiful. “Here! Take one,” she commanded, helping him put it in his mouth. Handing him a glass of water, he took a few sips to wash it down. 

“Don’t go,” he croaked, sure if he took his eyes off her she’d disappear. She was leaving. He felt sure of it, but he could no longer remember why. Why would she leave him? “I can’t lose you,” he felt himself say.

“I’m not going anywhere, Alec,” she assured him, smoothing his hair. “Here… lie down,” she instructed, helping him lie back on the floor. Doing as he was told, he lay back and closed his eyes, trying to relax while at the same time gripping Rose’s hand tightly. 

In the distance he heard Rose speaking to someone. Was there someone else here? 

It usually didn’t take long for the medication to kick in, and luckily it didn’t fail him this time. Within a couple of minutes his heart was beating normally and though he was still breathless, the bulk of the pain was gone and all that was left was a heavy, muscle worn feeling in his chest. The feeling was uncomfortable but comparatively heavenly, and he allowed his mind to drift a bit, his thoughts feeling decidedly muddled.

A moment… or minutes?... he couldn’t tell...later he felt a damp cloth being drawn across his forehead. 

“Shhhh,” Rose said, dabbing the cold compress against his skin. “The ambulance is on the way,” she soothed. 

Alec’s eyes opened at that. An ambulance? Oh, bollocks. “Rose… I have to tell you… before they come…” he started.

“Shhh, Alec. Save your breath, yeah? I think...I’m pretty sure you’ve had a heart attack,” she choked, obviously trying to stay calm for him. “You need to lie still,” she told him.

“But… you deserve… you should know…” he tried before being cut off again.

“No, Alec. Please. Just relax, alright? Let’s just worry about you, right now,” she instructed.

He was about to protest when a loud knock issued at the door. “That’ll be them. Hang on… I’ll be right back,” she said, smoothing his hair back before she jumped up to let them in. In moments, the paramedics were in the room and everything seemed to be happening at once with one paramedic flanking him on the left taking his pulse and the other hovering over him on the right. He couldn’t see Rose anymore.

“Rose?” he asked, looking for her. 

“It’s alright, Detective Hardy. We’ve got you,” the first man reassured him as the other took his blood pressure. 

“Where’s Rose?” he replied. “Rose?!” he called, feeling panicky.

“I’m right here, Alec,” her voice answered before her beautiful face swam into view beside the young man kneeling next to him.

Taking a deep breath, Alec calmed at the sight of her. She wasn’t gone. 

“Right. Off we go, Detective. You know the drill,” the young man said, placing an oxygen mask over his face. Within moments he was being maneuvered onto a gurney. Movement under him motivated him to full alertness.

Looking around him, he caught sight of Rose again who was following them out of the house to the waiting ambulance. Lifting the wheels they slid the gurney into the back of the vehicle with one of the medics climbing in beside him and Rose following close behind. 

His mind felt a bit less fuzzy now. Enough to know that this was NOT how he wanted Rose to see him. As a bloody helpless invalid. 

“Detective, do you think you can answer a couple of questions,” the medic asked, pulling down a clipboard. 

Nodding tiredly, Alec resigned himself. There was no escaping the truth now.

“You’ve been admitted with heart problems in the past, is that right?” he asked. 

Alec nodded. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw Rose’s brow furrow.

“Can you tell me a bit about that?” the paramedic pursued.

“I’ve got an arrhythmia,” he drawled tiredly, resigned.

“Do you know what kind you have, Detective?” he asked.

“Bradycardia,” he answered. Braving a look at Rose, he found worry written all over her face. At least she didn’t look angry. Yet.

“Right. Are you on any medications then?” he asked.

“I’m, um, taking antibiotics at the moment… can’t remember what they’re called,” he said. He must still be a bit groggy, he realized, noticing his words sounded a bit slurred.

Rose piped up then, “I, uh, also just gave him one of these,” she said, handing the paramedic the prescription bottle she’d gotten his pill from. She must’ve put it in her pocket. The medic looked at it and made a note on his clipboard. 

“Alright. We’ll have you at the A&E in a few minutes,” he assured him. 

Looking back at Rose, he was surprised to see her expression hadn’t changed. How could she not be furious with him? He supposed she was probably waiting to feel furious until after she made sure he was going to live long enough that she could _kill_ him for being such a prat, he reasoned, closing his eyes.

He felt Rose’s warm hand take his then, and he couldn’t have been more grateful. She was here for now. At least that was something. She could’ve scarpered right after the ambulance arrived, couldn’t she’ve? Then again, he couldn’t imagine her ever doing anything like that to anyone. Even if she _was_ furious with them and never wanted to see them again. The thought pulled him back down into misery.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

In minutes they arrived at the hospital and Alec was admitted straight away for tests and Rose was asked to wait in the waiting room which was currently miraculously devoid of people other than her. The very idea of having to wait here was enough to turn her stomach, but she’d said nothing. She’d not wanted to leave his side, but not even family were allowed with him at the moment, and she wasn’t even that. 

God… another fucking hospital! Tears prickled in her eyes. For fuck’s sake! What the hell was the _problem_ with the goddamn universes that they didn’t want to see her happy?! Ever! Frustration shot through her. Was this going to be her legacy? To have death hunt every person she cared for?! Her tears fell freely now and that frustrated her even more. Growling at her inability to even control her own tears, she stomped over to a corner table holding a box of tissues and swiped a handful. 

No. She wasn’t going to give in to this. She refused to let the universe take someone else she lo-... cared for, she thought angrily, swiping her tears away. She… they’d fight it. Bradycardia, he’d said. 

Pulling out her cell phone, she googled the word. Too many choices scrolled onto the small screen and not knowing which to look at first, she chose the first entry. The definition basically concluded that it was essentially a faulty electrical system related to regulating the speed of the heart beat. It went on to say that in severe forms, the symptoms can be life-threatening. Oh God. 

A cruel voice issued from a sick corner of her mind reminding her that she could very well be powerless to do anything about this. Again. On top of that, Alec had obviously been keeping it from her. But why? Why wouldn’t he tell her? He’d obviously been having symptoms, she thought, recalling earlier in the bedroom when he’d been short of breath. Why didn’t he warn her?

“Ms. Tyler?” a man’s voice called from the door to the A&E. Rose looked up swiftly from her phone. “You can come back and see Mr. Hardy now if you’d like,” he suggested kindly.

Moving quickly, Rose followed the orderly back to one of the tiny curtained rooms to find Alec lying prostrate on a bed with tubes protruding from his nose and arms. The sight was appalling and beyond what she’d prepared herself for. It was her Doctor all over again. Again!

She wanted to run. It took every ounce of will power she possessed to stay where she stood. She certainly couldn’t move any closer. The vision was terrifying and struck her in the most raw place with such jagged edges that she nearly doubled over. An audible sob escaped her despite her previous promise to herself that she’d be strong. This was too much. 

“Rose, I’m sorry,” Alec’s voice intoned, solemn and quiet. 

His voice. _Alec’s_ voice. This was _Alec_. This _wasn’t_ the Doctor lying here in front of her. This was Alec, and he needed her. It seemed that’s all her mind needed to allow her legs to move again. That reassurance. If there was life, there was hope. And Alec was very much alive. 

Suddenly finding herself at his bedside, she quickly took up his closest hand into hers. “Alec! I was so worried!” she shared immediately, pulling his hand up to lean against it with her cheek. 

“Rose… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice so defeated and weary.

“Alec… my God! Why didn’t you tell me?” Rose asked. “If I’d have known… I can’t believe I made you do all that in my house! If I hadn’t asked you to pick up that damn heavy box…” Rose faltered, more blasted tears blurring her sight.

“Hey,” Alec’s soothing voice quickly interrupted, “this is _not_ your fault. How could this be your fault? It’s my own bloody stupidity is what it was,” he admitted. “It… my doctor told me I should be taking it easy, but… well, I… I don’t know. I just didn’t want…” he trailed off.

His words hit Rose full force. He _knew_ this might happen?! He _knew_ he shouldn’t be pushing himself but he did anyway?! Anger bubbled inside her. “You mean… you _knew_ you were at risk… that you could end up here… and you… you did it anyway??” she found herself demanding. 

Alec reluctantly nodded, studiously looking down at his hands. He looked completely downcast and miserable, seemingly resigned to whatever reaction she chose to give him.

On seeing him so dejected and low, all anger drained out of her. The poor man had just had a bloody heart attack and here she was berating him for it! As if _that_ was going to help in any way. Sighing, she took his hand back up in hers and said in a softer voice, “Why, Alec? Why didn’t you say something?” she entreated.

Sad, brown eyes found hers then, as if willing her to understand something he hadn’t said yet. A moment later he found his voice. “I was afraid you’d leave,” he admitted, his voice small. “I thought… if you knew about me… about my condition, that you’d… well, that you wouldn’t give us a chance.”

Rose’s mouth dropped open at this admission. What?! “Why, Alec? Why would you think I’d do that?” she said, knowing she sounded hurt but unable to help it.

A sad half chuckle escaped him. “Rose… you just lost your husband to cancer. Why would you _ever_ want to be with me… if you knew I… that I could…”

“... Die?” Rose finished for him in almost a whisper.

Alec nodded, his eyes once again dropping to study the blanket covering him. “You’ve been through enough, Rose. I guess I just wanted… I wanted to pretend for a while that maybe… maybe we had a chance,” he shrugged noncommittally.

“Oh, Alec…” Rose breathed. What could she say to that? She wanted to argue with him. She wanted to tell him he was completely wrong… that she wouldn’t have done such a thing. But she couldn’t, because as much as she hated to think so, he was right. If she had found out before… when she wasn’t even sure she could get past the similarity between him and her Doctor… that would’ve probably been the final straw. It would’ve been all the excuse she’d have needed to do exactly what he was saying. To close down the very possibility of a relationship with him in order to protect her heart. 

But now… with this fantastic man sitting in front of her, lucky to be alive to be telling her anything at all... she realized it would’ve been so wrong if that had happened. If she had put a halt to any kind of relationship with him just to save herself pain. She would’ve missed a chance to get to know Alec Hardy… and she knew now that that was never meant to happen. She was supposed to have met him and for some bizarre cosmic reason, she was meant to get to know him. Maybe even to… to love him. 

That thought full out took her breath away. Was she actually admitting she might already be falling in _love_ with this man? How could that be? She’d only known him for a short time! Was it his similarity to the Doctor that had her already admitting she’d fallen for him? The idea itself was so wrong. But a warm, encompassing feeling of happiness warned away the thought. That wasn’t why she felt this way him. It might be why she’d first been attracted to him, but it wasn’t why she’d wanted to spend time with him after their first date. In fact, her feelings about his looks had done almost the opposite. She’d almost called off the entire thing before it happened simply _because_ he looked like the Doctor. No. His looks were NOT why her feelings for him had escalated. They’d blossomed because he was Alec Hardy. And she loved who that was.

“Alec… I won’t pretend that you’re completely wrong about that. About how I’d have reacted if you had told me earlier on. I’m… I’m ashamed to say that I honestly don’t know if I would’ve given us a chance had I known. Because all I was thinking of was myself. Giving my heart to someone else who I might have to watch suffer…” Rose said, her words momentarily leaving her. She knew how incredibly selfish it felt to even think it when this man was actually the one fighting for his life, but now, actually hearing the words leave her lips, it sounded even worse. 

“But now… I’m so glad I found out Alec. Before something worse happened. Because I’ve realized something,” she shared, her eyes welling up against her will, “I realized two things actually,” she corrected. “Number one… that I need to get over myself and realize I’m not the only one in the world with problems.” Alec seemed about to protest but she cut him off, “No, Alec… I mean it. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not belittling my loss, because it was real. And beyond painful for me. But that doesn’t mean that other people’s loss and pain aren’t as real. And with that realization came the thought that maybe someone else might need me. And that maybe I could actually be big enough to be there for them,” she said, before taking a steadying breath. “The other thing I realized is that…” she trailed off. It was her turn to study her hands now, “...that I think… I think I’m really ready to move on with my life. And that… I’d really like to do it with you… because...” she cleared her throat, “... I care for you a lot Alec,” she admitted bravely. “I know we haven’t known each other very long, but… well, you’re… you’re a very special person and I know how lucky I am to have met you,” she said honestly. 

Raising her eyes tentatively, she found Alec staring back at her aghast. Oh God. Had she said too much? So he wasn’t healthy… that didn’t mean he was actually ready for such a pronouncement! She was about to backtrack and recant… claiming insanity or desperate worry for him or something, but that’s when he actually spoke.

“Rose… how… how can you...” he said, seemingly baffled. Rose blushed and looked away. He didn’t feel the same way. Anxiety pulled at her, making her want to follow it so she ended up anywhere but here. She felt wickedly embarrassed and exposed. 

The soft touch of Alec’s finger under her chin made her redirect her gaze back at him. This time… for a change, tears were shining in someone else’s eyes and she was surprised to find Alec gazing at her with something akin to reverence. “I think, Rose Tyler, that you’re not alone in that,” he said softly, “because I believe I feel the same way.”

Relief and joy pulsed through her like a tidal wave and as surprise slowly morphed her anxious expression into one of happiness, she studied his face. He meant it. A glowing warmth began to spread through her starting somewhere in the back of her mind and filling her completely from head to toe. This was _right_. This was meant to happen. She was sure of it now.

With elation spreading through her, she leaned forward impulsively and captured Alec’s lips with hers, snogging him thoroughly. An alarming thought suddenly struck her, however, and she pulled back quickly. He needed more oxygen, not less, her mind reprimanded her. Was she trying to give him another heart attack?! “Oh my God, Alec… I’m sorry! We shouldn’t be… I should let you…” she stammered trying to pull away from him. 

But his hand gripped her arm and held her fast. “It’s okay, Rose. I’m fine right now. For God’s sake… I’ve just found out a fantastic beautiful woman wants a future with me… I don’t think I’ve felt this good… ever,” he said slightly breathless, pulling her back to his lips. 

Rose giggled and allowed a short snog before actively extricating herself from him. “Really, Alec… you’re out of breath… the last thing I need on my conscience is that I killed a man by snogging him to death,” she said, chastising him.

Grinning back, Alec seemed anything but repentant. “Aye, but I’d die happy,” he smiled tiredly.

Rose’s expression suddenly turned serious. “You’re not going to die, Alec. There has to be something they can do, yeah? Tell me there’s something they can do,” she said, trying to sound hopeful, but realizing she was sounding a bit desperate.

“There is Rose,” he assured her quickly. “I’m…” he swallowed, guilt crossing his features, “I’m scheduled for surgery next week. Thursday, actually,” he admitted, nearly cringing.

Rose’s eyes popped open wide. “Thursday?! So soon? That’s only a few days from now! My God, Alec… it must be really serious if they’d scheduled it so quickly,” she said, worried. 

This time the look of guilt was undeniable as it played over Alec’s face. “I, uh… it’s sort of been scheduled for a while now,” he said quietly, his eyes flitting away to look anywhere but directly at her.

A while now?! “How long? How long have you known you’d need surgery?”

Alec cleared his throat. “It was scheduled before I even met you,” he admitted resignedly. “I would’ve had it before you even got to town, but I had a kidney infection that needed antibiotics… they wanted the infection completely cleared before I got the surgery,” he shared.

Rose merely stared at him for a moment. 

“Rose?” he said, his voice sounding decidedly nervous.

Aggravation once again reared it’s head. Not only had he not told her about his heart, but the bloody man even had surgery scheduled?! 

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Rose let it out slowly. Okay. He hadn’t told her because he’d been afraid to. She imagined the idea of telling her he needed an operation would’ve been even more intimidating than telling her about his heart condition, so she could hardly fault him. Resigned, she tried to let her frustration go. “Alright. Thursday. But listen Alec… I need you to be honest with me, yeah? Promise me that you won’t hold anything back from me about your health, okay? If you can do that for me, I promise I’ll be here for you. Because I _want_ to be here for you,” she entreated.

A small grateful smile graced Alec’s lips then. “I promise, Rose,” he nodded, squeezing her hand. 

Just then, a man in a white lab coat walked in. “Alec Hardy?” 

“Yes,” he answered.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Adams,” the man said by way of introduction. “I’ve had a chance to look at your test results and your blood work. You’re a very lucky man,” he shared, flipping through a couple pages on a clipboard he held in front of him. 

“Aye… I know,” he said softly, his gaze moving to catch Rose’s eyes. Her breath hitched at the meaning of the simple words.

The doctor didn’t seem to notice the non-verbal interaction going on before him as he immediately started into going over the results of Alec’s tests. “It seems you did indeed have another heart attack, Detective,” he said, his deep voice unnecessarily emphasizing the seriousness of his statement.

_Another_ heart attack? The words finally sunk in. He’d had another attack before this? Looking down to catch Alec’s eyes again, he shrugged sheepishly. This poor man. What else had he endured before she’d even met him? Suddenly she felt even more guilty about her previous misgivings about her own situation. She was hardly the only one in the universe who’d suffered and this man was living proof of that. 

“And I see that you’re scheduled to have a pacemaker inserted on Thursday the 20th?” the doctor continued, seemingly unaware of the drama playing out before him. 

“That’s right,” Alec confirmed.

The doctor actually sighed. “I’m afraid I have some bad news, Detective.”

Rose’s heart felt like it stopped beating. Bad news was NOT welcome. Not here. Not today. Looking quickly to Alec, she found his brow deeply furrowed.

“It seems the antibiotics haven’t been able to completely get rid of the infection you’ve been fighting. For now, we’re going to plan to continue with the surgery on Thursday, but if the infection hasn’t been eradicated by then, we’ll have to put it off again. In the meantime, I’m going to give you a different kind of antibiotic to see if it does the trick,” he advised.

Rose allowed a breath in and out. Alright. It wasn’t catastrophic news at least. The new antibiotics would do their job, the worry was only that they might have to put the surgery off for a couple of days. She really didn’t like the idea of Alec having to wait _at all_ for surgery that was clearly going to save his life, but at least the only issue was one of a day or two. She’d just have to make sure he stayed off his feet for the next few days to make sure his body had a good chance of fighting the blasted infection. It was only… five days until his surgery. Should be a snap.

Looking at Alec, she rethought that last mental statement. Keeping Alec still was probably going to be a Herculean effort, she decided, if his past behaviour was anything to go by. Well, she was a Tyler, and she had no doubt she’d bend him to her will. She’d use any means available to ensure cooperation, even if it meant bribery, she thought ruefully, studying his handsome profile.

“Oh. Well… that news isn’t as bad as I’d thought it might be,” Alec stated after hearing the doctor’s announcement. 

The doctor gave Alec a half smile then. “So, Detective… until Thursday… no activity. I’m not going to put you on bedrest, but I’m going to be clear. No strenuous activity of _any kind_ ,” he said meaningfully, shifting his gaze between both Alec and Rose. 

Suddenly understanding what he _wasn’t_ saying out loud, Rose blushed mightily. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Alec, but she imagined he was doing the same. He seemed to be an intensely private man, and she was sure casual mention of their sex life would have his face turning a rather adorable shade of pink. 

“Understood?” the doctor demanded.

Glancing over at Alec, Rose found his lips had formed a thin line and he was nodding his understanding.

“Good,” Dr. Adams finished. “You’re free to go, Detective. We’ll see you back here Thursday morning. Remember… nothing to eat or drink after midnight on Wednesday,” he advised.

Alec nodded again by way of an answer and the doctor left the room. 

“Well,” Rose said by way of breaking the silence, “at least they’re springing you from here for now,” she said, determined to see the cup a half full. 

“Aye… I suppose that’s something,” he acquiesced, looking a bit glum.

“There’s also the fact that I may have dote on you hand and foot for a few days,” Rose suggested, her tongue lightly held between her teeth. 

Alec nodded, perking up a bit. “That could be good,” he agreed.

“I might even have to give you back rubs and foot massages to relax you,” she added cheekily.

Rose thought she saw a small smile grace his lips with that thought. “My feet too?” he said, seemingly making sure he heard right.

Rose laughed. “Yeah… your feet too,” she confirmed.

Alec nodded, allowing a full smile to light his face. “Alright then, Rose. But I’m warning you… I’m not the best patient. I’ve been told I’m downright annoying, in fact. Are you sure you’re up for this?” he asked, obviously joking, but Rose couldn’t help but think he meant something bigger by it… asking her if she was really up to taking him on. 

“I couldn’t be _more_ ready,” she admitted, smiling softly at him. Leaning over him, she planted a soft kiss on his lips, sliding her thumb down the side of his cheek as she did so. After a moment, they ended the affectionate snog and she leaned her forehead against his. “Let’s get you home.”


	13. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who've been following and commenting... I'm so grateful!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 13: Two

Loading the tray with toast and jam, a couple of pears, two glasses of orange juice, and two cups of tea, Rose made her way up the stairs of her house slowly so as not to spill anything. 

It was Tuesday morning… only one more day to go before Alec’s surgery. It had been three days since she’d taken him home from the hospital and they’d been told he needed to rest. Three days, and despite the worrisome circumstances, they had been three wonderful days. Most of it he’d spent watching her unpack while they chatted about anything and everything. Well... not _everything_ , Rose thought a bit guiltily. While he’d been remarkably open about his past with her, she couldn’t help but feel she was cheating him by holding back so much about hers. Oh, she’d shared a lot about her life growing up and some about her life here with the Doctor and her family, but she’d not been able to share anything about her real job before moving here or about the most influential part of her life that was spent travelling the universe in a time machine. 

The evenings had been spent sitting in the living room, which had been the first room completely unpacked, snuggling in front of the fireplace, trying not to get too… erm, excited… about things. The sexual tension between them could be cut with a knife by now, but they’d both been doing their best to follow the doctor’s orders of abstinence. That didn’t stop Alec from grumbling about it occasionally, however.

Rounding the corner to the bedroom, she caught Alec just about to stand up, having peeled back the sheets and put his feet on the floor. They’d been sharing her bed since she brought him home, reluctant to leave him alone for any length of time in his lonely hotel room. He hadn’t complained at all, though, when she’d suggested moving him here for the time being. At first it had been a bit awkward, with them only having spent one night together before that, and that time they’d both been gloriously naked. It didn’t take long, however, before they got comfortable and she had to admit that even if they couldn’t shag, she was desperately enjoying just being held by him as they both drifted off to sleep at night. 

It was equally as comforting waking to his beautiful face in the morning. The best part about it was that she was no longer thinking about how he looked like the Doctor as she had the first morning. Her first thoughts on waking to the man beside her had been how gorgeous _Alec_ looked, his lips slightly parted and his hair adorably ruffled against the pillow. The realization that this had been her first thought made her happier than she could’ve anticipated. Because it meant she was really, really moving on… and that this fantastic man was going to be with her as she did it.

“Um, excuse me, Detective… I believe your breakfast is served,” Rose said from the door. 

Turning quickly, Alec looked both surprised and pleased to find her there. “Ms. Tyler! I thought maybe you’d finally gotten tired of me and left,” he smiled, sliding back under the sheets.

“Nope,” she replied, grinning. “And why would I leave a delicious half dressed bloke… a bloke who is currently at my mercy, I might add… alone in my bed? What a waste that would be!” she said, placing the tray in the middle of the bed to rest beside Alec’s outstretched legs. Sitting down carefully on the other side of the tray, Rose tucked her legs into a crisscross position and reached for one of the cups of tea. 

“You’ve got a good point, there. Have you ever thought of becoming a lawyer? I bet you could talk a jury into submission within minutes,” he smiled back. 

Rose laughed. If he only knew how very true that statement was. There were more than a few times she’d had to talk her way out of a jail cell or the Doctor out of trouble of one kind or another in her past. It’s funny… she’d always thought the Doctor had been the one who could talk your ear off. It was interesting to think that for once in a relationship, _she_ was the one with the gob.

Reaching for a pear, she took a large bite, letting the juice sink into her tastebuds. 

“Oh, God, Rose… how can you actually _eat_ those?” Alec said, his face displaying a distinct grimace. 

Rose halted midway through chewing and nearly inhaled the bite in her mouth, leaving her hacking to clear chunk that had made it halfway down into her airway. 

“Blimey, Rose… you have to learn to swallow properly,” he teased, patting her back as she continued to splutter. 

Finally, her lungs free of debris, she took a sip of her tea and wiped her eyes which had been tearing with the active coughing she’d been doing. 

“It’s probably eating that bloody disgusting thing that did it,” he added, looking sideways at the offending fruit before taking up a piece of toast and slipping a corner into his mouth.

Rose looked at him incredulously. No. For heaven’s sake… the odd phrase here and there she could understand, or maybe a familiar gesture once in a while… but really… now _pears_ as well?! Really?! 

“What?” Alec asked, taking in her dumbfounded expression. “You actually _like_ those things?” he asked shaking his head. “Like God didn’t have enough to do that he figured he’d waste his time creating a blasphemy like that? Shame, really. If he’d used his time more wisely he could’ve come up with something useful, like… a fat melting flower or… he could’ve given us two hearts. I could do with an extra one of those right now,” he added ruefully.

Rose’s eyes must’ve been bulging out of her head by now. She definitely could feel her jaw hanging loose on its hinges. Trying to stay calm, she broached, “Alec… can I ask… and I know this probably sounds completely _barmy_ ,” she premised, “...but why did you say that? About having two hearts? What made you think of that?” she asked apprehensively. 

Luckily, Alec’s attention had been mostly on adding a sizeable dollop of jam to his plain toast rather than on her seemingly overblown reaction to his statement. Finally looking back at her, at bit confused, he said, “Uh… I don’t know. Just… thought it would’ve been a nice thing for him to have given us, I guess. It’s the one body part I wish I had two of right now,” he clarified, shrugging. “Why?”

Allowing her shoulders to drop, she took a deep breath. It really was just another similarity… another clear piece of proof that her theory of ‘parallel souls’ was correct. Bloody parallel universes. It was enough to make her think she was losing it.

“No reason,” she said. “Just… no. It’s nothing,” she said, shaking her head, deciding against bothering him with an explanation that really wouldn’t make sense anyway.

They both continued to eat for another few moments before Alec said, “So… what’s on the agenda for today?”

Rose shot him a warning look. “NOTHING is on the agenda for you, Mr. Hardy,” she scowled purposely. Alec had been pretty good during the first day of his enforced rest, but it quickly became evident that he was going to be a bit of a challenge when the second day rolled around, with him spending at least half the day whining about wanting to help. Rose had stood her ground for most of the day, but by last night she’d finally given in and let him unpack a box while sitting on the couch. But now, looking at his entreating eyes, she knew she’d made a mistake in giving in. Now he’d be relentless about it. 

“But Roooooose,” he complained, looking at her with a pained expression. 

“No. No, Detective. I’m beginning to figure out your manipulative ways and I’m onto you,” she said, narrowing her eyes. 

“Alright. I didn’t want to do this, but... if you think I’m above looking into your records to see if you’ve got any outstanding parking violations… think again. But I can make them _all_ go away…if….” he said, knowingly, nodding his head.

Giving him a withering look and crossing her arms, Rose groaned. “Alec…” she said, now almost pleading.

“Pleeeeease?” he said, blinking up innocently at her, his deep brown eyes sparkling.

She knew before this even started this morning that it would be a losing battle, but she was little disappointed that all it took was one flash of his puppy dog eyes and she was a puddle on the floor. “Oh, God,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Alright. You can help me unpack a couple of boxes. Same as yesterday, though. If I catch you doing anything more than that…”

“I know, I know. Death by hanging. Or shagging. Can we do death by shagging?” he said hopefully, a boyish grin playing on his lips.

Rose laughed. “Stop! No talking about shagging, Alec!”

“What? I can’t even _talk_ about shagging now?” he said innocently.

“No, you can’t,” she warned, studiously looking away from him.

“Awww… c’mon, Rose,” he said, pushing the tray further down the bed to allow him to lean closer to her. Leaning in, he nuzzled her cheek, “Just a little shag. I promise I’ll stay relaxed,” he breathed, moving to plant soft kisses on her neck.

Leaning into him against her better judgement, she closed her eyes, trying to rally herself against his assault. It wasn’t working. “Alec…” she warned, still unable to pull away.

“Hmmmm?” he hummed, inching closer to her and continuing his exploration of the soft skin on her neck. 

“Okay,” she said, gathering up all her self control, “Ohhhhh… Alec, stop…” she giggled, very reluctantly pushing him away.

“Awwww, Rose,” he whined again.

“Oh, no, Mr. Hardy… your big brown eyes are NOT going to win you any points on this one,” she said, smiling knowingly.

Sighing, Alec grabbed his mug and took a sip of his cooling tea. “Oh well… can’t blame a bloke for trying,” he shrugged, quirking a smile.

Rose chuckled, taking up her own cup and taking a long sip as well. Looking around the room, she couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed by all the unpacking that still needed to be done. Blimey… you’d think that all the purging she’d done when she’d packed up would’ve left her with fewer boxes to deal with, but incredibly, it was as if they’d somehow multiplied in the truck on their way to Broadchurch.

Sighing, she was about to stand when Alec cleared his throat. Looking back at him, she found him giving her a definite look of admonishment.

“What?” she asked, taken aback. “What did I do?”

“Is that all you’re going to eat?” he asked pointedly, looking down at the abandoned pear on the tray. “Not that I would make you finish eating _that_ offensive thing, but you need to put something real in your stomach before you start working. You’re not the only one here who can nag, you know,” he smiled knowingly.

Rolling her eyes affectionately, she settled down again and picked up a piece of toast. Spreading a bit of jam on it, she stuffed a corner into her mouth. After pointedly putting on a show of chewing and swallowing it for his benefit she said, “There. Is that better?”

“Marginally,” he offered. “I won’t be happy until it’s gone, though,” he said critically. 

Smiling a bit while once again rolling her eyes, she continued eating until the toasted bread was completely consumed. Looking for approval, she gestured an exaggerated ‘Happy Now?’.

Nodding his final ascent, she smiled. Bossy man. She had to admit she kind of liked it.

Finally allowed to stand, she surveyed the room. “Might as well start in here today, I guess,” she thought out loud. Grabbing the closest box, she pulled off the tape holding it closed and popped it open to reveal it’s brimming contents. Lord she was a terrible packer. No rhyme or reason to the box’s contents, really, she mused. She couldn’t even blame her mother for this one. She had been the one to pack the bedroom back in London. 

Sighing, she started digging through the random items while Alec finished eating. Her jewelry box, wrapping paper, hangers… man… her head was clearly not in the game when she’d filled these boxes. 

Obviously noticing her consternation at the state of the box she was working on, Alec said, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Taking a deep breath and letting it out, she answered, “No, not really. I’m just amazed at my brilliant packing skills. I’d actually like to at least find my reading lamp for tonight so we don’t have to keep using the room light, though” she shared, “...but I have no idea which box I may have put one in,” she said, sighing. “You’d think I’d have learned to better label boxes by now,” she said, gesturing to another box marked ‘Bedroom’. 

Alec smiled. “That’s about as effective as I’d have labelled it myself,” he shared. “Alright… priority one: the lamp,” he stated in a mock business like fashion, putting his mug on the tray and sliding his legs over the side of the bed. “Bet I find it first,” he challenged.

“Ummm, Alec…” Rose said, giving the man in her bed a look of warning.

“I know, I know,” he grumped. “You’ll shag me to death. Not much of deterrent, mind…” he added. 

Rose smiled. “Alright… you’re on, Detective. Ten quid says I find the lamp first,” she challenged. “Rather foolish bet on your part, though, sir, as you forget that only _I_ know my foolish ways of packing and that you’re very likely to lose!”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

It had taken him a while to wear Rose down yesterday, but wear her down he did, thank God. If he’d had to sit still for much longer he swore he’d pull his own hair out. Being idle had never really been his forte, and doing so now was only made easier by having such a lovely distraction as Rose. Still, there was only so much staring at her backside he could do without throwing the doctor’s orders to the wind, so he’d used all the weapons in his arsenal to convince Rose to let him help her unpack. Today had been no different, he smiled. He was quickly finding out what turned her to putty in his, er… hands… and he wasn’t ashamed to use his knowledge to his advantage. All it took today was a bit of whining and a bit of big eyed blinking and she’d given in.

She’d now made the big mistake of making this a challenge, something Alec always enjoyed.

“Ten quid? That’s hardly a fitting reward for finding something you can’t do without. How about… the winner gets to shag the loser?” he suggested, as business like as he could manage.

Rose laughed. God, he loved that sound. “Uh… no. Not gonna happen, Hardy,” she chided. 

“You that afraid you’ll lose?” he challenged, grinning cheekily.

“No… I’m afraid I’ll win and then I’ll be responsible for sending you to the hospital again. And I definitely wouldn’t want to explain why you’re there to the doctor if that happens!” she admonished. 

Alec sighed dramatically. “Well, then… ten quid it is, I guess,” he acquiesced, opening the first box he came to. He began rifling through it, pulling out it’s contents one by one. “Where do you want me to put this stuff, Rose?” he asked, studying a rather interesting ornament he’d extricated from the box. 

“Oh, how ‘bout just on the floor beside you for now,” she said, indicating the empty space under the window close to him. He nodded and moved to place the ornament where she’d indicated. It was an interesting piece. It was vaguely shaped like a man and a woman holding each other, and on first glance it looked to be made of crystal or something similar. On closer inspection holding it up to the light of the window, however, he realized he could make out hundreds of tiny miniature imitations of the larger sculpture within the smooth surface of the glass. It was really quite breathtaking. 

“This is beautiful,” he said, still staring at the ornament in his hands. “Where did you get it?” he asked, looking at it in wonder.

Rose looked over to check out what he was holding. “Oh… the Doctor and I found that on one of our trips. Beautiful, isn’t it?” she said. It didn’t escape him that she didn’t actually answer the question. Perhaps the piece held a very personal story she wasn’t quite ready to share.

“Definitely,” he said, deciding to let the matter drop. Carefully placing the object on the ground, he continued riffling through the first box, coming across a small sewing kit and an alarm clock.

“That’s it for that one,” he stated. Finding another box, he tore at the tape and pulled the top open. Shuffling through it, he saw the telltale plug in cord of a lamp. “Think I found it,” he said almost triumphantly, digging through paper to unearth the bottom part of a small bedside lamp. 

“Brilliant! But it doesn’t count unless you’ve got the shade as well,” Rose warned, obviously knowing she’d packed them separately.

“Cheater,” he mumbled good-naturedly as he followed the cord to it’s source. Digging out the bottom of the lamp, he removed a couple of items covering it, one of which was a picture frame. Turning it over, planning to put it on the floor beside the other treasures he’d found, his heart stopped. Not that it was difficult to make it do in its current state. 

Staring back at him through the glass of a simple but tasteful wooden frame was Rose and… him. They were sitting together on a beach somewhere, each holding a drink with an umbrella and… of all things… a banana sprouting from it. His arm was wrapped around Rose’s shoulder in a rather possessive way and they were both clearly laughing about something as the picture was snapped. 

Completely at a loss, Alec simply stared at it. This man didn’t just look a bit like him. This man _was_ him! Granted, his hair was styled different, with the look-a-like having a more ‘porcupine’ type of affair going on, but otherwise the likeness was uncanny. He felt his mouth open, as if it wanted to say something, but instead it seemed to swing loosely on his face, bobbing up and down against his top lip. What could he possibly even say? 

Unbidden, a deep feeling of betrayal bubbled inside him. When she’d said he looked like her husband, she really wasn’t kidding. But he couldn’t help feel she let him believe it was just a resemblance. This was no ‘resemblance’. This was cloning. Pure and simple. No _wonder_ she was completely overwhelmed when he said something that her husband happened to say on occasion. 

Another very unwelcome thought joined the first one. They’d made love. Oh God. How alike were they? Was she thinking of _him_ the whole time? The thought literally sickened him. How could she _not_ have been? This man looked just like him, for Christ’s sake! 

Putting the photo down on the floor beside the other items, he stood and took a deep breath. He… he had to leave. He needed to… to get away for a bit… to think. It was one thing to think he maybe reminded her of her dead husband. It was quite another to find out he practically _was_ her dead husband.

His mind reeling, he moved to the pile of clothes he’d dropped the night before and hurriedly pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. 

“Alec?” Rose said from behind him somewhere.

Ignoring her, he turned, strode out of the room and headed to the loo to gather up his stuff. From there he headed down the stairs. He needed space. Time to think. To clear his head. 

“Alec?” he heard Rose’s voice call again from the room above as he descended the stairs.

“I… I just remembered… I have some things I have to do before tomorrow. I’ll call you later, alright?” he called back up to her, trying not to let the tidal wave of negative emotion overflow into his voice.

Behind him he heard Rose’s footsteps descending the stairs. Pulling on the socks he’d grabbed up, he was bending to put his shoes on when she appeared behind him. “Alec… what’s wrong?” she asked just as he stood and turned to open the door. Realizing he wasn’t going to get away without at least acknowledging her, he turned to face her. 

Looking up at him, her hazel eyes were filled with confusion. On seeing her, looking at him with such… openness… he felt a huge desire to just… pretend he hadn’t seen that image. But how could he? Rose and ‘the Doctor’. Her husband. The couple in the snapshot flitted before his eyes and he once again felt an overwhelming need to leave… to run.

“Sorry, Rose… I’ve got to go,” he said, turning and opening the door.

“Alright,” she said, her small voice trailing after him as he stepped out of the house and walked resolutely to his car. 

Climbing behind the wheel, he took a long, shaky breath. Starting the car, he put it in drive and drove away. At this point he wasn’t sure exactly what he was driving away _from_. Was he driving away from this moment only to return later or was he driving away from Rose for the foreseeable future? He didn’t know. What he _did_ know is that it hurt. Until recently, he’d come to rely on life to be quite relentless in it’s doling out of misfortune, and perhaps that had been a better way to live. At least, when you didn’t expect more from life, it never let you down.


	14. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a painful one to write... I love these two so much! Sometimes my muse is so cruel... ;)

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 14: Hurt

Rose closed the front door and sat on the stairs feeling anxious and thoroughly confused by what had just transpired with Alec. One minute they were laughing and joking about finding her lamp, and the next he’d scarpered, making up some excuse about having stuff to ‘do’ before his surgery. There was no question in her mind that that was a load of bollocks. 

But why, then? Why had he made an excuse to leave? What happened? She ran their interactions over in her head, unable to come up with anything. She’d brought him breakfast, they chatted… he’d even kissed her. 

Trudging up the stairs back to the bedroom, Rose tried not to let her imagination run too wild. There had to be some logical reason why he’d run. Certainly something had triggered a reaction in him… she just hoped it wasn’t something she’d said. She couldn’t think what it could’ve been if it was.

Shuffling into the room, she sat herself on the edge of the bed, staring at the opened and unopened boxes strewn around the room. Her eyes finally rested on the box Alec had been rifling through when he found the lamp. Then a thought occurred to her. Immediately turning her attention to the knick knacks on the floor under the window, her eyes landed on it. The photograph of her and her Doctor. Oh God. He’d found the photo and that’s when he’d run. 

But she’d _told_ him! She’d told him he looked like her husband… and he’d told her he was alright with it! Moving to pick up the framed image, Rose settled herself on the bed with it. 

Studying it, her heart sunk. They’d looked so happy. And they had been. So, so happy. The Doctor’s dimples were emphasized in the photograph, with him having been caught midway through saying something they’d obviously thought was ridiculously humourous. 

This _had_ to have been what he’d reacted to and she found herself unable to fault Alec for his reaction. How could words even prepare a person to see their own face staring at them from a photo they’d never been a part of? Especially when the investment between the two in the picture had obviously been boundless. The true and utter joy glowing from her and the Doctor in the photo couldn’t be denied. He could probably have gotten over the _idea_ of Rose’s husband looking like him, but to actually have undeniable evidence like this… to have the large and bigger than life proof in your hands that you are possibly merely a stand-in… a placeholder… it would be gutting. 

How could she have possibly thought that he would be okay with this. She hadn’t thought enough about what might happen when he saw the visual evidence of what she’d told him with words only. This horrible moment had been inevitable and she’d been naive and stupid to have assumed it would’ve turned out any other way. God! She should’ve shown him a picture straight off! But he’d been so open… so accepting… she’d been scared to press her luck. She’d been a coward. She knew it even then, but hadn’t been willing to admit that’s what was going on in her mind. 

Now she was paying the price. And so was Alec. She’d messed up. She’d made a monumental mistake in judgement and now she’d completely jeopardized her chances at having something long lasting with him. Her heart crumbled inside her chest. 

Gazing down at the photo, her eyes filled as she traced the outline of the Doctor’s face with the tip of her finger. _I miss you, Doctor. So much._ Suddenly a sob escaped her and the tears she’d been cultivating fell. Clutching the photo to her chest, her body wrapped around it in an irrational attempt to protect her memories from having to see the cruel reality of her life now. Without him and now very likely without Alec. Another deep, soul wrenching sob wracked her. As if trying to summon the only being in the universe she trusted with her heart, she sent up a silent plea. _Help me, Doctor. Please, please help me_.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The rest of the day passed with Rose feeling sad and alone. Her tears had eventually trailed off for lack of moisture left in her and after a good while she finally ventured away from the bed. Completely at a loss as to what to do about Alec, she decided to put some of her anxious energy into unpacking some more boxes for a while. 

While she mechanically pulled item after item out of the boxes, she tried to come up with _some_ plan as to how she might be able to fix the mess she’d made. If he hadn’t been angry when she’d _told_ him about the Doctor, he had to be now that he’d actually laid eyes on the picture of him. No doubt he was hurt as well. She couldn’t imagine the kind of emotions he might be feeling about now. 

Should she leave him to cool off? Let him decide when he was ready to talk? But what if he didn’t come back? What if he couldn’t forgive her? Then, of course, there was his surgery tomorrow. Maybe leaving it be wasn’t the best idea. On the other hand, she didn’t want to crowd him. If it had been _her_ discovering such a thing, she was sure she’d need some time to think… time to herself… before she’d be able to deal with him face to face. 

Part of her wondered if she even _should_ try to fix things. Maybe this was the way things were meant to be for her in the universes. Maybe her ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t fated. And was it even fair to put any expectation on Alec that he ‘get over it’ and be with her anyway? She knew the answer. Of course it wasn’t. The fact she’d allowed their relationship to get this far at all was undeniable evidence of her selfishness. She had made this… them… all about _her_. _Her_ grief. _Her_ recovery. _Her_ acceptance. Of course, since he’d landed himself in the hospital the other day she’d been trying to rectify that, but that didn’t change how very damaged she was. She should’ve shown him a picture of her husband when she’d first come clean. She’d allowed herself the fantasy that the verbal honesty was enough. Of course it hadn’t been. And her inconsideration of the impact this inevitable discovery would have on him was going to be their undoing.

A sad, empty numbness settled over her. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she should let this go. Let _him_ go. She was _so_ not good for him. As much as she’d made progress and started moving ahead with her life, she was still reeling from the death of her Doctor. Yes, she was trying to move on, but _try_ was the operative word here. She hadn’t really succeeded yet. It was monumentally unfair of her to expect him… or anyone… to see her through that personal and painful journey. It was one she should take alone. 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

The rest of the day and night came and went for Alec before he ventured out of the hotel again after what had happened at Rose’s the day before. He had driven aimlessly for a while after leaving her place but ultimately ended up back at the Traders where he holed himself in. If his heart hadn’t already been broken, he had no doubt this would have done it. It wasn’t long, though, before bitterness settled in him to make it’s home in his chest in place of the initial pain he’d felt on seeing the photo of not-him and Rose together. 

After a night of poor sleep, he finally pulled himself together enough to drag his arse outside for some fresh air. Making his way out into the dreary morning, he climbed in his car and drove without a clear destination in mind for a while until he found himself pulling up in front of the cafe in the middle of town. The sky today was grey and heavy with fog and it fully symbolized his feelings. Bloody women. If his heart didn’t end up giving up on its own, he figured some member of the opposite sex would see to it that it died a horrid agonizing death, he thought bitterly. 

Unbidden, the image of Rose and her husband once again floated to the forefront of thoughts. Their expressions were painfully burned in his mind and despite his attempts to think past them, he simply couldn’t. She’d lied to him. Well… not _lied_ , per se, but she’d definitely had let him believe that he and her husband bore only a resemblance. And that… what had she thought? That he’d never see a photo of the other man? Maybe, he thought angrily, she hadn’t planned on this being anything long term with him? The thought struck him. That would make sense. Maybe he was merely a means for her to find a way to spend a few more nights with her dead husband? She had said she was looking forward to a future with him, though. Could it be that she actually thought he could act as a replacement for ‘the Doctor’, as she called her husband. 

Nausea rolled over him. The idea was painful. The pain didn’t stick long long, though, before it morphed into anger again. He was a prop to her! A stand-in for the man she loved and missed. He obviously meant very little to her if she’d use him like this. 

Looking out the window of his car, he watched people come and go from the cafe. Most seemed to merely be going about their day without living under any particular emotional umbrella, but some clearly were either enjoying being with whomever they were with and others seemed to be existing in a void similar to the one he was functioning in. 

Alec sighed, coming back to himself. He supposed he should eat something. Other than the breakfast Rose had served him, he’d forgone food yesterday altogether feeling nauseous. Having your heart trampled tended to ruin one’s appetite. 

Walking into the shop, he joined the queue and ordered a coffee and a carrot muffin. Seating himself by the window, he took a sip of his coffee and looked down at the muffin he’d just purchased. His stomach rolled at the idea of actually eating it, but dutifully he peeled the paper surrounding the bottom half of the pastry and took a small bite. Making an effort, he swallowed the little portion he’d bitten off and tried for another. Nausea bloomed in him then, making him have to forcefully swallow the second bite. God. This is what that woman had reduced him to. A pathetic, love sick middle aged git. He was too old for this shit. Pushing the rest of the muffin aside, he took a pull of his drink, hoping it might quiet his stomach, which it did just a bit. 

Staring out into the street, he found himself once again watching the people walking by. He recognized a good number of them, though he probably couldn’t name any of them. He grunted inwardly. Miller probably could name each and every person passing. Probably could tell him about their families, where they lived, and possibly what they ate for breakfast as well. It was funny… that’s exactly what he hated about this place at first. The familiarity of the people. There was no privacy in a place like this. Funny how after a while, though, it actually kind of became a source of comfort… knowing that you’d likely see someone you knew everywhere you went. Not that Alec particularly enjoyed having to actually _interact_ with any of them, but there was something to be said for the predictability of a place like this. He wondered if Rose would find peace here someday. 

Aaargh! For Christ’s sake… couldn’t he go ten minutes without thinking about that woman?

Frustrated, he grabbed up his coffee and pushed his way back out into the street. Maybe he should talk to Ellie. She was a woman. Maybe she could make some sense of this for him. She could maybe offer him some insight as to what the hell to do now. 

Heading back to his car, he pulled his coat tighter around him. On top of trying to deal with heartbreak and heart issues, he’d been fighting the chills over the last days, and now he was pretty sure he was running a low grade fever. Fan-bloody-tastic. Could this week possibly get any worse? 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

It wasn’t long before he pulled up to Ellie’s place. He hadn’t called ahead, mostly, he realized, because he wasn’t sure he was actually going to go through with it. He hated ‘sharing his feelings’ even though Miller was the closest person he had to a friend, and he resented his own neediness at this moment. Sitting in the car for a few moments, he debated whether to get out or not. On top of his own fears, Miller didn’t need him dumping his shit all over her right now. She had enough on her plate.

He was about to put the car back in drive when her front door opened. Ellie stepped out, looking at Alec quizzically. Resigned, having been spotted, Alec put the car in park and shut it off. Climbing out, he made his way to the front door. 

“What were you doing out there?” Ellie asked as he approached. 

Alec shrugged noncommittally. “Just… are you busy? Do you have a few minutes?” he asked, looking anywhere but at her face. 

“Sure,” she answered, obviously confused. Then, eyeballing him, she said, “Wow… you look like shit.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Miller,” he said blandly. “Can I ...?” he gestured moving inside.

“Yeah, yeah...come in,” she invited then, stepping aside.

Busying herself in the kitchen, Ellie suggested Alec make himself comfortable in the living room. Finding Fred playing animatedly with his cars on the coffee table, Alec ruffled the boy’s hair and sat down on the couch behind him. 

Coming in a couple of minutes later with two steaming mugs of tea, Ellie handed Alec one and sat herself in the armchair across from him. “So? I don’t normally get you calling in the middle of the day looking like a pile of rubbish, so let’s hear it,” Ellie instructed, taking a tentative sip of the hot beverage in her hands.

Sighing, Alec put his mug on the table beside him and ran his hands down his face before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Rose lied to me, Miller,” he shared uncomfortably. 

Ellie looked taken aback. “Alright,” she said, “Hang on… what happened the other night? She left here so upset,” she asked.

“Well… that was the beginning of this, I suppose,” he admitted, feeling incredibly weary. “We, uh, talked, when I got back to the hotel. She told me…” he swallowed, remembering the moment, “.... that I looked like her husband. Her dead husband,” he said tensely.

Ellie’s brow furrowed. “Surely she knew that before you two showed up here,” she said needlessly. “So why did she leave so suddenly? Did she say?”

“She said that I sound like him sometimes as well,” he said bitterly. “I’d said something that especially reminded her of him,” he added for clarification.

“Ohhhh,” Ellie said, understanding lighting her face. “I see. But… you said she lied to you. How was that a lie?” she asked.

Alec looked down to study Fred’s cars rolling across the table in front of him. How _had_ she lied, exactly? She _did_ tell him he resembled her husband. “I suppose she didn’t really _lie_ ,” he admitted reluctantly. “Was more that she didn’t really tell the whole truth,” he elaborated, immediately unsure as to the truth of even _that_ statement. She had said he looked ‘quite a lot’ like her husband. In reality, she hadn’t really been lying. She’d definitely not gone out of her way to emphasize the resemblance though, he inwardly grumbled.

Looking up, he found Ellie’s eyebrows raised in invitation for him to elaborate. Clenching his jaw, he said, “I saw a picture, Ellie. A photo of the two of them,” he said. Unable to sit any longer, he stood and discovered the room was swaying slightly. Must’ve gotten up too fast. Continuing with his train of thought, he elaborated, “He doesn’t just resemble me, Ellie. That’s the thing. He’s a bloody copy of me!” he said, his frustration rising.

Shooting a look down at Fred, Ellie gave Alec a ‘watch your language’ look. 

“Sorry,” he muttered, looking down at the boy currently dropping cars off the end of the table. “I just… you wouldn’t believe it, Miller. The likeness! It’s bloo-, er, it’s uncanny,” he corrected himself, looking at Fred again. The boy continued dragging his cars across the table… and studying them, Alec couldn’t help but notice they appeared a trifle out of focus. 

“Oh,” Ellie said, thinking. After a few moments she asked, “So… what did you say? What did you do when you saw it?”

“I left!” he answered, bringing his gaze back up to meet Ellie’s. She gave him a withering look. “What?! Was I supposed to just… stay there, knowing she was looking at me and thinking of her dead husband this entire time? After we’d…” he let that trail off and began pacing.

Ellie’s eyebrows rose even higher than last time. “You… you two…?” she asked, amazed.

Rolling his eyes, it was his turn to give her an exasperated look. “That’s neither here nor there. The fact is… she’s only seeing me because of _him_. Because I look like her bloody husband!” he spouted, frustration now radiating off of him. 

“Bwoody tar!” Fred growled at his cars as he pretended to crash them into one another.

“Oh, God. Fantastic,” Ellie, moaned, standing and scooping up Fred. 

“Oh… sorry,” Alec apologized a bit sheepishly.

“Yeah,” Ellie said, unamused. “Look, Alec… it sounds like Rose wasn’t actively trying to keep it from you, yeah? If she had been, why would she have told you? She obviously… maybe mistakenly, mind… thought that telling you would be enough. But that doesn’t make her a liar. It makes her a bit naive, maybe, but that’s all. And really… think back, Alec. Who was the one who asked who out on the first date?”

Thinking back, he remembered standing in front of his door picking up the courage to approach her in the hall of the hotel to ask her out. “Was me,” he acquiesced. 

“Right. Did she seem at all reluctant to spend time with you?” she continued.

Realizing where she was going with this, Alec reluctantly agreed. “Aye. She, er… she said she’d not really wanted to go out with me at first,” he admitted.

Ellie lifted one eyebrow and stared back at him, her point made. 

Feeling a bit cornered, he blustered, “But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s probably looking at me and thinking of _him_!”

Her expression softening somewhat, Ellie nodded. “Maybe not. But you’ll never know unless you ask her, Alec,” she suggested gently.

With that, his anger completely deflated. Ellie was right. He needed to talk to Rose. More than that… he _wanted_ to talk to Rose. He… he’d been falling for her hard and quick and that’s why this all hurt so much. So much of him wanted her to tell him he was wrong about all this…. that he was being paranoid. But that photo… even if he’d wanted to deny the truth of it… that he was a dead ringer for her husband… that photo made it impossible.   
His mind treacherously jumped to memories of their lovemaking… that she might have been thinking of _him_... pretending it was _him_. 

An overwhelming feeling of nausea spread through him then, bringing him back to the present. Taking a deep breath, he tried to push down the sudden queasiness. He must’ve looked pretty green at the moment, as Ellie noticed right away that something was off.

“Alec?” she said, concerned.

Holding his hand up in a bid to have her wait for a moment, he tried again to overcome the nausea that was threatening to submerge him. Quickly, though, he realized it was a battle he was going to lose. Getting up hurriedly, Alec darted around Ellie to race to the loo where he barely made it on time to release the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Heaving mightily, he wretched a few more times until nothing was left to bring up.

After a minute, he stood unsteadily and leaned over the sink, realizing he actually needed to do so to remain standing. Turning on the cold water he dipped his mouth under the faucet to slurp a bit into his mouth. Swirling it around, he spit the vile taste from his tongue. His stomach was still protesting but had nothing left to expel. 

Looking up into the mirror, he was almost alarmed at the visage staring back at him. His cheeks were sallow and his lips slightly blue. Sweat beaded on his brow and his eyes were half lidded and darkly rimmed. Ellie wasn’t kidding when she said he looked like shit.

Deciding he might do with a quick splash of the cool water to his face, he cupped his hands under the tap and sloshed a bit of the cold liquid on his skin. Reaching for a towel beside the sink, he patted his face dry and hung it up again. Turning to open the bathroom door, he reached for the knob and missed, finding two of them hovering in front of his eyes. Trying again, he managed to clasp onto one of them and opened the door, only to lose his balance with his first step through it. He suddenly found himself careening forward toward the ground, powerless to stop himself. 

The last thing he felt was a muted discomfort as his body hit the hard floor, obviously contacting it in several places. None of that seemed to register as overly painful though, as his mind was already closing down. Ellie’s worried voice trickled through the few cracks left in his consciousness but they soon disappeared along with everything else until all he was aware of was blackness.


	15. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of angst, but I promise a bit of fluff at the end of the chapter to see you through...

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 15: Reality

It was Wednesday evening and Rose had managed to unpack a good portion of the house. After Alec had left yesterday she had gotten a good amount of work done in an effort to distract herself. It hadn’t worked well, but at least it made the time pass a bit more quickly. Her mind hadn’t stopped flipping from one anxious thought to another all day and through most of the night. Should she take a chance? Seek him out? Should she just let things be and accept what the universe seemed to have fated for her? The contradicting ideas ended up paralyzing her, making it impossible to take action. 

Now, sitting in the living room with a beer cooling her hand, she stared into the fire she’d started in yet another futile attempt to pass time and distract herself. Taking a long swig, she watched the light flicker and dance against the darkened logs and embers in the hearth. Emptiness made her weak, and a beer… or seven… would make her forget that… at least that was her plan. A very poor coping strategy, she knew, but that didn’t change her desire to just stop _feeling_ for a while. 

She’d talked to her mother earlier that day and of course said absolutely nothing about what had happened with Alec. She hadn’t even told her mom she’d met someone yet let alone that he was the ghost of the Doctor. It had obviously been for the best. She shouldn’t have thought, however, that her mom wouldn’t have picked up on her sadness, even though she’d valiantly tried to mask it. She’d managed to put off her questions, however, and Jackie let it lie… for now. Rose knew without a doubt that her mother was only letting her off the hook for a short time. She’d be back nagging her about ‘letting it out’ soon enough, but for now, Rose wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

Tipping the bottle back, Rose enjoyed the cold bubbly bitterness the beer provided and tried to let her mind go blank. It didn’t last long, however, as moments later her cell phone buzzed, jolting her from her attempt at zen. 

The number wasn’t one she recognized. “Hello,” she answered.

“Hi, uh… is this Rose Tyler?” a woman’s voice said.

“Yes,” she answered coolly. A bloody telemarketer. 

“Oh, Hi, Rose… it’s Ellie. Ellie Miller,” the woman said, her voice tense.

“Ellie! Oh, Hi!” Rose’s voice warmed right away. “I, uh… listen… I wanted to apologize again for the other night…” she started.

“No, Rose… it’s fine. I understand. Really. But that’s not why I’m calling. It’s Alec,”

“Alec?” Rose’s body tensed. “Is he alright?” she asked, anxiety instantly filling her.

“He’s in hospital, Rose. I… He’s not doing well…” she said, her voice betraying her worry.

“I’m on my way,” Rose answered quickly, ringing off. Grabbing up her coat and her keys, she silently thanked heaven she hadn’t already had more than one beer. Racing out into the cool evening, she climbed in her car and took off to the hospital. No matter what had transpired between them… even if Alec decided he never wanted to see her again, she needed to know he was alright. She needed to make sure he survived this, and then she would leave him alone. 

She knew, in a sense, she was being selfish. That this was as much about her as it was about him. She just couldn’t see another person she cared about die. In the end, she knew she was powerless to fight it, really, but she couldn’t bring herself to believe that her being there wouldn’t help somehow. 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Rose arrived at the hospital in record time and was truly lucky she hadn’t been pulled over for speeding. Racing through the A&E, she got to the front desk just in time to see Ellie heading back behind the doors separating the waiting room from the patients. “Ellie!” she called breathlessly, running up to meet her. 

Ellie’s face broke into a sad grin. “Rose! I’m glad you made it,” she said, giving her a brief hug. “He’s still unconscious, but they say he’s stable for now,” she shared.

“Oh, my God, Ellie… was it… did he have another heart attack?” Rose asked, her throat constricted with worry.

“They aren’t sure yet. We only got here about a half hour ago. They’re running tests… we should know soon,” she assured her, squeezing Rose’s hand. 

Emotion surged through her but she valiantly held back tears. “I… this is my fault, Ellie. I know it,” Rose swallowed thickly. 

“What? Rose… how can this be your fault?” Ellie asked, her brows furrowed.

“If I hadn’t… if I’d been… Oh, God…” she said, finally unable to hold back the tears threatening to fall.

“Come here,” Ellie said, leading Rose to a quiet corner in the waiting room. Sitting her down, Ellie sat beside her and touched her knee. “This is NOT your fault, Rose. He’s not a healthy bloke. This could’ve happened anytime,” she said, trying to reassure her.

“But Ellie… the doctor told us he was supposed to take it easy. He’d been alright since the hospital visit on the weekend… but then he found the photo…” her voice trailed off, knowing she’d have to explain the situation but not sure if she had it in her to. 

“I know about the picture. Alec told me,” Ellie said, looking a bit guilty that she knew ‘their business’.

Frankly, Rose was thankful he’d had someone to talk to about it. Not only that, it saved her having to dredge through the horrid memory of him leaving her house again. “Oh Ellie… I’ve messed up. I think I’ve ruined everything with him. I didn’t think… I thought if I told him, that would be enough. I was so stupid! I just thought… if he saw him.. a picture of my husband… he’d turn away from me. That he’d think the worst of me,” Rose admitted. Her shoulders slumped then. “But that’s what ended up happening anyway. I… I wish I could just do it all over again,” she added dejectedly, “But even if I had… God. I was so naive thinking this ever had a chance of working,” she said, her voice small.

“Rose… when you look at Alec… what do you see?” Ellie asked after a few moments of silence. 

Rose looked up at Ellie then, and took a deep breath. “At first… I admit… I saw my husband. He could be his twin, Ellie,” she said sadly. “And when I woke up in the hospital and saw him sitting beside me… I thought every prayer I’d ever had had been answered,” she admitted. “And that’s why… why he first asked me out… I wanted to say no. Because I was sure if I actually dated him I’d ever only see the Doctor… my husband,” she clarified. “But after a couple of days, I realized I honestly didn’t see my husband anymore when I looked at Alec. I just saw Alec. And… and I was so happy when I recognized that. Because I want more with him because he’s _him_ ,” she finished, hoping Ellie would understand. “‘Cause when I look at him now I see… a fantastic man,” she said honestly. “He’s… caring. And tenacious. And a bit ornery,” she shared, smiling. “He’s funny and sweet. He wants to protect people. He’s courteous and thoughtful,” she said, and then smiled at Ellie’s raised skeptical brow. “To _me_ anyway,” she said with a watery smile. “And honestly, Ellie,” she said, another tear slipping down her cheek, “I see a man I could spend my life with.” 

Then, to Rose’s relief, Ellie smiled. She wasn’t sure why Ellie’s understanding was so important to her. Perhaps it’s because she was clearly close to Alec and cared about him. It was probably also because if _she_ could understand, then maybe… _maybe_... Alec might too. 

“I think that’s all Alec needs to hear, Rose,” Ellie shared wisely, pulling Rose into a hug. “We just have to get him well enough to be able to hear it now,” she added, obviously very worried for him. Pulling back then, she said, “Let’s go see him, yeah?” Ellie said, putting her hand supportively around Rose’s shoulder.

“Do you think he’d even _want_ to see me?” Rose asked, knowing full well that he might not want her anywhere near him right now.

“I _know_ he’ll want to see you,” Ellie confirmed. “He was going to head out to see you when this happened. He was at my place… we’d been talking… and he passed out. But he’d been planning to go back to your place. He wanted to see you… to talk with you,” Ellie confirmed.

Rose allowed herself to feel a bit mollified by Ellie’s words. At least he’d planned to come back and talk. He’d not completely written her off already.

Making their way back to one of the curtained rooms, they found Alec still unconscious lying prostrate on the bed. The sight tore painfully at Rose’s heart, having seen him like this so recently but at least awake. Tubes once again snaked from his arms and oxygen flowed into into his nose through another pronged tube. 

Looking at Ellie for confirmation, she received a supportive nod encouraging her to move closer to him. Taking a few steps to stand beside his bed, she looked down at his prone form. His hair was covering his forehead and she itched to reach out to smooth it back, but stopped herself. She couldn’t presume he’d even want her here, let alone that he’d want her touching him. The thought made her ache.

“I’ll just wait out here for a bit,” Ellie said, gesturing to the door. 

“Thanks, Ellie,” Rose responded, her words heavy with meaning.

“No problem,” she answered, giving Rose a soft smile. 

Ellie left the room then, leaving Rose standing beside Alec’s bed, gazing down at him. He looked so… helpless. So fragile. The picture before her contradicted everything he was to her. He was strong. And while he was more open about his feelings than the Doctor had ever been, he was far from fragile. He was an incredible, fantastic man, and everything in her ached to be able to just hold him. To take him in her arms and nurse him back to full strength. But she’d lost the right to do that now. She hadn’t been brave enough to _show_ him the truth. And now, all she could do was beg forgiveness. 

“Alec,” she said softly, taking his warm hand in hers, “Alec… I’m so… _so_ sorry.” 

There was no reaction from the man whose hand she held tightly now in her own. He was still sleeping, but the words that she’d been working to formulate since she found out why he’d suddenly left her house yesterday began pouring from her anyhow. Taking a deep breath, she let the truth roll through her and out into the air to be judged. He couldn’t hear her, but for now it didn’t matter. She had to say the words out loud. “I can’t tell you enough how terrible I feel… how sick I feel about… about hurting you. I should’ve shown you a photo straight off. You should’ve had the whole truth… but I was scared. I know that now. But that’s no excuse,” she said lamely. Plopping herself in the hard chair set beside the bed, she closed her eyes and continued. “You should’ve had all the facts up front, so you could fairly decide if you wanted to take me on. I’m no catch right now, Alec. I know that. I’m… well, I _was_ broken. For a long time it felt like the damage was permanent. Like I’d never ever feel anything but pain again. But then I came here and met you. At first I was… terrified. You were _him_. You looked like him, sounded like him… you even said things like him sometimes. But then I got to know you. And before I even realized it, I wasn’t seeing him anymore when I looked at you. I was seeing… a strong, caring, thoughtful man. Someone unique who I discovered was becoming more and more important to me as every day passed.” Opening her eyes then, she studied her hands. She couldn’t look at him, even if he wasn’t looking back. “And then… when you seemed to just… accept it when I told you that you looked like him… I became a complete coward. In my heart… deep in the back of of my brain… I knew I should’ve shown you a picture straight away. But instead I let my fear and my want for you overrule my common sense. And now… now I’ve mucked it up. And I’m scared, Alec. I’m so scared I’ve screwed up so badly that now there’s no chance for us.”

Letting her head hang, tears began spilling from her eyes once again. Saying all this out loud actually hurt. And he hadn’t even been awake to hear it or respond with the resentment and anger she suspected he was harbouring. If she thought it had been hard to admit all these things to him when he was unconscious, how the hell was she ever going to be able to tell him when he woke?

That’s when his voice filled her ears, bringing her immediately from her reverie. “Rose?”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Awareness came very slowly back to him and the first sensation he felt was the soft caress of her hand. Her voice floated over him and he felt so at peace… he was where he should be. Beside her. Where he belonged. 

Slowly the actual words she was uttering began to filter through the haze of his disjointed thoughts and began to form themselves into coherent ideas. She was scared.

Why was she scared? He felt awareness increase as his own anxiety began pumping adrenaline through him. If she was scared he needed to be there for her. Trying to pry his eyes open, he found he couldn’t. His body wasn’t cooperating with his demands on it. Was he dreaming? Her words continued to roll over him, steeped and soaking in sorrow and guilt. Then he heard, _’You were him’_ , and suddenly the raw memories of the last day came crashing down on him with full force. _‘You looked like him, sounded like him… you even said things like him sometimes,’_ her voice continued, fully solidifying the ache in his heart. And then she said her next words, which made him pause. _‘But then I got to know you. And before I even realized it, I wasn’t seeing him anymore when I looked at you.’_ She went on to catalogue the reasons that was. She shared her guilt and her ultimate fear of losing him. 

Part of him… the hurt part of him… felt a small triumph at hearing this from her. Finding that photo had been painful. Very painful. And the cruel, sick, vengeful part of him felt a small bit of pleasure knowing she was feeling a sliver of what he’d felt. The bigger part of him, though, and thankfully, the part of him that held rational thought, realized how incredibly petty it was to even acknowledge such a feeling. Rose had told him. She’d admitted it to him… that her husband looked like him. She knew it hadn’t been enough, though, even then. And her reason? It was the same reason he’d kept his heart condition from her, wasn’t it? Because she didn’t want to lose him just as he’d not wanted to lose her. 

Shame filled him then. How _dare_ he judge her on this. He’d held very important… potentially relationship threatening information back from her as well. And how had _she_ responded? By forgiving him. Without question. She hadn’t held a grudge… in fact, she understood straight off. She hadn’t liked it, of course, just as he surely didn’t like her keeping the full weight of the truth from him, but she’d gotten past it to focus on the heart of it. That she wanted to be with him no matter what. Heart condition or no. 

Could he do the same? It wasn’t like she could help being drawn to him at first, with his face the carbon copy of the one she’d married. Her reaction to his looks couldn’t be faulted. And could he really blame her for keeping it from him… the photo? When her reasons for doing it were an echo of his own for withholding things… possibly very damaging things… from her?

No. He didn’t have the right. She did it because she wanted to be with him. With Alec Hardy. She wanted to be with him and get to know him. She said she wasn’t seeing her husband anymore when she looked at him. He wanted to believe her. He really, really did. Could he do it? Could he believe that when she looked at him… made love to him… that she was really seeing him, and not just an imitation of the man she married? 

He had to know. To be sure. Rallying every reserve of energy his body held, he willed his muscles to respond to his commands to open his eyes and speak. The effort was almost Herculean, which alarmed him, but in the end he made his body do his will.

“Rose?” His voice sounded croaky and low, but at least it was audible.

“Alec?” Rose’s face swam into view, her worried expression filling his line of sight.

“I heard you… just now,” he said with effort. 

Rose’s red rimmed eyes filled with tears again. “Oh, Alec… I’m sorry!” she said, unable to stop the flow of tears from coursing down her lovely face. “Please… please forgive me. I can’t… I know you might not be able to…” her voice caught in her throat, choking her next words.

“Did you see him, Rose?” he asked, hoping his expression wasn’t echoing the hurt he felt on saying the words. “When we… when we made love… was it with me or him?”

An expression of pure pain crossed her features then, making him regret that he’d asked. It was too late, though. He had. Her mouth opened and closed, once, as if she was trying to find the right words to say. Finally, some came to her and in a torrent they spilled from her. “Alec… it was you. It was you. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t have… if my thoughts weren’t only of you, I could never have gone that far. I’m just… I’m so sorry you even had to think… that you had to worry…” she said, beginning to sob.

Alec’s very precariously beating heart completely broke for her then. She had been with him. Her thoughts and heart had been there with him that night. “Rose… please…” he said, “I’m sorry… I just had to know. I’m sorry…” he said, his own voice raw with emotion, entreating her to come to him, to let him hold her. She moved in right away, nestling her face against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her as best he could. Pressing kisses into her hair, he whispered assurances and murmured soft ‘shhh’ sounds as he did so. It took a long while, but finally Rose’s tears began to slow. Alec held her firmly against him as her sobs turned into soft hiccups and as her breath began to even out. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Alec,” Rose stuttered against his chest, running her hand over the blanket covering him. “I tried to imagine going on now without you… and it was horrible. I don’t want to. I was supposed to meet you, Alec. You were supposed to be part of my life, and I need you in it,” she admitted.

Hugging her even closer, Alec squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to hold back his own threatening tears. “These last two days have been hell for me, Rose,” Alec admitted thickly. “I hated being away from you. I need you too, love,” he said, the endearment said with such emotion that Rose’s heart nearly leapt from her chest. 

Looking up at him, Rose’s eyes held her continued insecurity. “Can you… do you think you can forgive me?” she asked, her voice small.

Alec gave her a small smile. “That depends. Can you forgive me for not telling you about my health before I did?” he asked.

Rose’s face lit with a bright grin. “Oh, Alec! Of course I forgive you,” she said, hugging him again.

Sighing, he felt contentment spread through him, warming him and once again igniting the fire of hope for a future between them. “If you’re big enough to see past my rather glaring omission in sharing information, I’d be a prat not to do the same for you,” he said, smiling softly and hugging her back. 

“Oh, Alec,” she breathed before moving up to kiss him tenderly. He tried to deepen the kiss, but Rose seemed to suddenly come to some realization and pulled herself back to study his face, her expression turning to one of anxiety and concern. “Alec...What happened? I have to know. Ellie said you passed out at her house. I was so worried,” Rose said, smoothing the fringe of hair from his forehead.

Alec sighed. “I honestly don’t know,” he shared. “One minute I was throwing up in the loo and the next I was on the ground. I don’t remember anything after that,” he said.

Both Rose and Alec jumped a bit with a knock on the door behind them. “Detective Hardy? You’re back early, I see?” It was Dr. Adams… the same doctor who’d tended to him last time he was in. 

“Yeah, well… the food was so good here last time,” Alec said, leaving the rest of the sentence hang. 

Dr. Adams chuckled. “Well, that _does_ tend to entice people to return. And I’m sure you’re not here to enjoy my fantastic company again,” he quipped. Then, shuffling through the papers on his clipboard, he said, “We got the results of your tests back.” Dr. Adams expression turned serious, the soft humour he’d exhibited moments ago now replaced with objective concern. “I’m afraid I don’t have good news, Detective.”

Alec felt his palms begin to moisten and he could feel Rose tense beside him as she tightened her hold on his hand. 

“The second round of antibiotics we gave you aren’t working. The infection has turned to sepsis, I’m afraid.” Alec looked at the doctor blankly. He’d heard of sepsis, but didn’t know anything about it. Obviously correctly reading his expression, the doctor continued, “Your body is fighting the infection by releasing chemicals to fight it, but those same chemicals are causing widespread inflammation in your body,” the doctor shared.

“Is there another kind of antibiotic we can try?” Rose asked, the pitch of her voice rising slightly with her increasing anxiety.

“We’re going to start Mr. Hardy on broad spectrum antibiotics,” he assured her. “We’re also going to keep him on IV fluids and start him on vasopressors to try to keep his blood pressure up.”

“But isn’t that bad?” Rose asked, concerned. “I thought his blood pressure was too high for his heart,” she worried.

“It’s actually the opposite,” the doctor shared. Then, looking at Alec, he continued, “Your heart rate often slows to dangerously low rates because of your bradycardia, but with the sepsis, there’s a very real risk of it dropping further which could cause you to go into septic shock.”

Alec sighed dramatically. “Alright, then. I’ll take the drugs. Does that mean my surgery is postponed again?” he asked, sounding put out.

“We can’t safely operate until you’re clear of the infection, Detective,” he assured him.

“Fantastic,” Alec groaned. “Well, I’m not hanging around here until then,” he stated. “So if you could write me a scrip for the drugs, I’ll be on my way. Should I check back in in a few days?” he asked, trying to sit up further in the bed. 

“Mr. Hardy… I don’t think you understand. You’re not going anywhere. Your heart isn’t in it’s best form to begin with and this is no typical infection. You’re in very real danger of heart failure if we can’t get on top of this thing. On top of that, you’re at significant risk of developing septic shock, which is life threatening in itself. So you’re staying right where you are, Mr. Hardy. In fact, we’re readying a bed right now in the ICU,” the doctor lectured.

“Bloody hell,” Alec lamented, plopping his head back on the pillow. 

“How long do think it’ll be before he can have the surgery then, doctor?” Rose asked, stroking Alec’s arm.

“I just can’t say right now,” Dr. Adams admitted. “It could be a week from now or it could be longer. The sooner, the better, obviously, but I can’t guarantee anything. It all depends how soon the antibiotics take hold and how long it takes for him to fight this infection,” he advised.

“Right,” Rose replied, her eyes somewhere far off.

Alec hated seeing that look. It masked worry and pain, and he was the cause of it.

“The nurse will be in shortly to get you moved, Detective,” Dr. Adams said before leaving the room.

“We’ll make it through this, Alec,” Rose said, looking down at him, a smile painted on her lovely face. She was trying to be strong for him and he appreciated it, even as he hated that she felt she had to be. 

Taking her smaller hand in both of his then, he looked back up at her earnestly. “I’m going to fight this,” he assured her, willing her to believe him. “We haven’t really had a fair go at this so far, and I want to make it up to you, Rose. I can’t do that though, until I’m out of this bloody hospital. So I’m going to get out of here. Come hell or high water, I’m going to fight this. ‘Cause I… I love you, Rose. And I don’t want to go. Not yet,” he said, his every emotion playing over his handsome features.

A brilliant watery smile found Rose’s lips in response to his words. “You’re not going anywhere, Alec. ‘Cause I’m not going to let you,” she promised, moving in to kiss him softly. “I love you too much to let you go.”


	16. Identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a bit since I posted, but hopefully this chapter will make up for it! This is rather a pivotal one, and hopefully it will answer some key questions a few of you have asked! Enjoy!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 16: Identity

Ellie popped in not long after Alec received the unwelcome news that he was going to have to stay in hospital for the foreseeable future. He’d fussed and grumped about it, as Ellie seemingly knew he would, but it wasn’t long before he quit protesting. Rose suspected that was because he was actually quite aware of what a precarious position he was in at the moment, but felt he was expected to at least complain a bit about having to submit to the doctor’s orders. 

Rose had suggested she head back to the Traders to retrieve his things first thing in the morning, and in fact, she actually talked him into letting her pack all his belongings to store at her place until he was was healthy again. There was no point in having him pay for a hotel room he wasn’t going to be using for at least another month, she reasoned. He’d balked at the length of time she was suggesting… obviously thinking she assumed he’d be in hospital that whole time... but she explained patiently to him that even if he got out in a week, he’d need to be cared for. She further explained that she had no intention of letting him go untended for any length of time after his surgery and it would be easier for her to care for him at her place. Alec had miraculously stopped arguing at that point, perhaps realizing she was actually suggesting he live with her… at least for the time being.

Rose smiled with the memory. The look of realization on his face had been completely adorable. He’d looked somewhere between surprised and pleased. Did he really think she would let him fend for himself after the surgery? Mind you, after their tumultuous last couple of days, he probably hadn’t wanted to assume she’d be there for him. The idea sobered her. 

She’d spent the night at her house, having been sent home despite her insistence that she be able to stay with him. She would’ve protested much more if the nurse hadn’t pulled her aside and told her that if she stayed he probably wouldn’t get the serious rest he needed. Part of her had wanted to argue, but deep down she knew the nurse was right. Alec was a gentleman, and even if he’d been told to ignore her, he probably would’ve felt some bizarre obligation to keep her company. Well, hopefully he’d gotten some rest last night. God knows he needed it. She sure hadn’t gotten much, but then she wasn’t surprised. As if she could sleep knowing he was lying in hospital in the ICU.

The night had ticked slowly by, and now, at 8:30 in the morning, she was finally on her way back to the Traders to collect Alec’s things before heading to the hospital to see him. The man she loved. She felt giddy even thinking it. Rose thought back to their conversation in the hospital and she shook her head in wonder. He loved her too. Her stomach flipped with the powerful memory of his admission. God. Even after finding out about the Doctor… _really_ finding out about him... his looks, anyway… he still wanted to be with her. Despite the harrowing circumstances, Rose’s heart sang with the thought. He wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him, and the discovery was exhilarating. She allowed herself to enjoy the feeling for a few minutes before letting her next thought darken the happy landscape that was her mind at the moment. 

Finally, her mind unable to put off worry for too long, she let her thoughts move to the subject of Alec’s health again. They had to get him healthy. Dr. Adams seemed to think it was going to be a monumental task. He was in a very bad place, healthwise, and the doctor hadn’t sugar coated it. He was in real danger. 

The memory of the doctor’s words sent a tremor of dread down her spine. She just couldn’t lose him. She’d fallen for him despite her better judgement, and he’d done the same with her. They were both taking a huge chance with their hearts here. Hers was bare and raw with loss and his was vulnerable and frightened of being used. But they’d both taken a step toward happiness now. They _couldn’t_ be taken from each other now, could they? Then again, she was beyond reticent in assuming the universe had a grand positive plan for her in mind. She’d been tempted time and again into believing in the goodness of fate, only to find it’s kind exterior demolished by reality. If there was a grand scheme, it wasn’t necessarily on her side. She needed to remember that and be on her guard. She couldn’t take for granted that things would just somehow work out. 

Rose’s thoughts were still dark many minutes later when she pulled up and made her way into Traders. Stopping at the front desk, she greeted Becca, who, of course, had many questions about Alec and his health. It hadn’t taken long for gossip to spread that the Detective had had a heart attack on the weekend. His latest trip to the hospital hadn’t had time to make the gossip rounds, though, at least. Rose assured Becca he was stable but shared that he wouldn’t be needing the room for a while. Becca’s confused expression quickly turned to a knowing one accompanied by a sly grin. “Oh,” was all she said. Rose blushed quite mightily, knowing full well they were now going to officially be exposed in town as ‘an item’ if they hadn’t been already. Oh well. Let them talk, she figured. She wasn’t big on being the subject of small talk, but when it was due to something as fantastic as being, uh… together with someone as fantastic as Alec… they could go right ahead and gossip.

With Alec now officially booked out of his room, Rose headed up the stairs to collect his things. He’d given her his room key, so she hadn’t had to ask Becca for it… something she was sure Becca would’ve noticed as well. Sighing, Rose slid the key card through the lock and stepped into Alec’s room.

She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but she had thought his room would at least look a bit ‘lived in’. It didn’t though. On first glance, the room could have belonged to anyone. He had a few personal effects on the bedside and TV tables, but otherwise it looked untouched. It hit Rose once again that he was very alone here in Broadchurch, just as she was. He may have been here longer, but he certainly hadn’t made it his home. The idea of him being alone in the world made her heart ache, not unlike it ached for the Time Lord who now roamed the stars a whole universe away. At least Alec had her now, though, she reminded herself, which made her feel a bit better about _his_ situation at least. While she may not consider herself much of a catch sometimes, at least he was loved by someone who planned to show him that daily for as long as he let her.

Thinking about Alec once again sent her anxiety into overdrive. She sighed deeply and worried her lip. God. She was so frightened for him. He’d looked so fragile lying in the hospital bed hooked up to IVs, his face so drawn and pale. 

Realizing minutes had passed and that nothing was getting done, she pushed herself into motion. She wasn’t going to get back to him any quicker by standing here worrying, so she tried to focus on the task at hand. His toiletries were first. Going into the loo, she found his overnight bag with toothpaste, his toothbrush, a comb, floss, and a number of prescription bottles in it. Gathering up a shampoo bottle from the shower, she snuck a sniff of it before closing it up and carrying it all to deposit it on the bed. She loved the smell of his shampoo… some manly, musky scent she’d never smelled before she met him. It must be a variety found only in this universe. 

The bathroom done, Rose reached into the closet in the main room to recover his luggage. Placing it on the bed, she opened it up in order to load it. Starting with the dresser, she found his casual clothes almost meticulously folded along with his vests, pants and socks. She actually felt herself blushing as she dug his pants out of one of the shallow drawers to place them in the suitcase. She smiled at her own embarrassment. For God’s sake… she’d shagged the man senseless a few short days ago! All of a sudden she was timid to see his boxer briefs in a drawer? Shaking her head, she moved on to the closet where she found his suits and dress shirts that had been hung there neatly. Not wanting to fold them, she left them on their hangers and draped them on the bed beside the suitcase. 

Pausing, Rose stood for a moment and surveyed her work so far. He really didn’t have much to pack. Looking around the room, she spied a few knick-knacks on his bedside table and on the table beside the telly. Moving to retrieve the items on the bedside table first, she picked up a silver framed photo of Alec and his daughter. She shook her head. The teen looked a bit younger than in the picture he’d had in his wallet. In this photo they were outside somewhere, maybe in a park, and he had his arms wrapped around her as she stood in front of him facing the camera. Both smiled brightly. His daughter looked so like him with her chestnut hair and deep brown eyes. Deep dimples played beside the luminous smile she sported. It must be so hard for him not to have her here. 

Pulling the luggage across the bed to bring it closer, Rose gently placed the framed photo on top of Alec’s packed clothes. Turning back to the bedside table, she found some change and a cell phone charger. Dumping the change into the outside pocket of the suitcase, Rose picked up the charger and bundled it into the same pouch. Moving across the room, she picked up a couple of business cards and a ring… a man’s wedding ring… from the table beside the telly. It was odd holding the ring in her hand, knowing he’d worn it for years as a symbol of his love for someone else. A slight haze of envy played at the corners of her mind for a moment before she came back to her senses. She knew he’d been married, of course, but somehow, seeing evidence of the abstract idea with your own eyes made it seems more real somehow. The unwelcome memory of Alec finding the photo in her room floated before her again. He’d felt this way seeing that photo, though his experience would’ve been a thousand times worse. Grimacing, she tried to push the thought away. He’d forgiven her. He said he had. If he could do that, then she had to be able to let it go and move on as well. 

Putting the ring and the cards in the same pocket as the change and the charger, Rose surveyed the room to make sure she’d gotten everything. Her eyes ran along all the surfaces, seeing nothing, but for some reason she couldn’t shake the strange feeling she was missing something. Shaking her head, she tried to push the feeling down. Picking up the clothes draped across the bed, Rose grabbed Alec’s overnight bag in her other hand and made a trip out to the car. Carefully hanging his suits and shirts on the hooks inside the car door, she went on to place his overnight bag on the back seat before making her way back into the hotel for his suitcase. 

Back in the room, she scooped up the handle of the rolling case and began making her way to the door again. 

The feeling of having forgotten something was unshakable now. What, though? For heaven’s sake! She’d looked through the place twice already. About to attempt to ignore the feeling again, something arrested her movement and told her to look through the room just one more time. Sighing, she gave in. One more look and then she could feel confident she hadn’t missed anything. 

Leaving the rolling luggage by the door, she walked the room again, paying close attention to every surface starting with the contents of the bathtub and the bathroom counter. Leaving the loo, she walked along the perimeter of the small room, pulling out drawers and scrutinizing the tops of the tables. Finally reaching the bedside table again, she opened the drawer and looked inside. Nothing. Closing it, she was about to move on when something in the corner of her eye caught her attention.

Focusing her attention on the tabletop, she squinted her eyes slightly and realized she was staring at something she’d missed. A fob watch. 

How had she missed it in her first sweep? Reaching for the final item on the table Rose couldn’t help but feel it was almost resisting her attention to it. It was the oddest sensation. A fob watch. What an odd object to have. It’s not something she ever pictured him owning, but then, she had a few sentimental items she was sure didn’t really mesh with what people thought of her. 

Finally her hand made contact with it. And she gasped.

Around her the world all but disappeared. Voices swirled over her in a chorus of competing words that both panicked and amazed her. Visually they were complemented by swirls of flickering colour that danced before her eyes. They looked familiar, and yet, not as she’d ever seen them. Squeezing her eyes shut only intensified the vision, blocking out the muted background of the real world behind the swirls. The voices slowly became more discernable as individuals and she began to be able to pick out snippets of meaning here and there until each voice became distinct and sentences became alarmingly clear.

_”There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t act a little childish sometimes.”_

_”I like bananas. Bananas are good.”_

_“You are indeed a worthy opponent, Doctor.”_

_“Now drop your weapons or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly baby.”_

_“At last, Doctor I've cut you down to size.”_

_”Doctor, are you serious?”_

_“The enemy of the Daleks must be destroyed.”_

_“It's part of a Time Lord's job to insist on justice for all species.”_

_“The Doctor won't tolerate anyone deliberately playing havoc with his favorite planet.”_

_“A man is the sum of his memories, you know. A Time Lord even more so.”_

 

Dropping the watch, Rose’s hands flew to either side of her head as if to protect it from the overwhelming sensations which immediately became muted once the item fell from her grasp.

Fear flew through her and adrenaline pounded through her veins. What?! The voices… they… they said his name. The Doctor… the watch. Her mind ran wild with speculation and alarm. How… What could this possibly mean?! He was Alec! The man she’d met here… the man she’d fallen in love with here… was he the Doctor all along?! He had to be! How could a bloke… a normal human bloke… have access to something like this? It was no coincidence. Of course it wasn’t! How could she even consider it? This… object… it was _His_. She’d even thought she’d heard his voice along with the throng of other voices issuing from it! But that… that meant...

Alarm quickly morphed into rage. He was the Doctor, and he had let her think… all this time… that he was a human! That he didn’t know her?! He’d even seen a picture of himself with her, for Christ’s sake, and he acted like… like it was someone else! The very concept of him letting her imagine he was someone else… trying to convince her of it...

But then a sobering memory flashed through her mind. His heart. He only had _one_. One. She’d felt it. There had been no secondary thrum pounding it’s accompanying beat when she’d had her hands on his chest. But that meant… he _was_ human. But if he was the Doctor how could he be human...

Rage turned then to blossoming and urgent concern. The Doctor was human. But how? Could Alec be another metacrisis? The way her Doctor had explained his ‘regeneration’ into the meta-crisis, though… he’d made it sound like it had been close to a miracle rather than a regular occurrence for Time Lords. He’d said it was more or less unheard of before him. So if that wasn’t it...had the Doctor been injured somehow and healed into a human? She shook her head inwardly at the ridiculous thought. Of course he hadn’t. She’d seen him hurt before. He healed quicker than humans, but he certainly didn’t change his species! 

As her mind had been whirling over this development, she realized she’d been backing further away from the watch. Now as she regarded it from across the room she noticed that the images and sounds became even more faint. Considering this, Rose tentatively stepped closer to it again until she stood directly over it. The voices and the swirling colours reasserted their dominance in her awareness, but were still muted compared to what they had been when she touched it. Somehow touching it made it more vivid.

Staring down at the offending item, she glared at it. Emotions warred in her. Excitement, fear, anger, pain… all of it vied for dominance. This object… this seemingly harmless item… changed _everything_. It changed everything she thought was real. It changed Alec, it changed her future, and she wasn’t amiss daring to think that it could very well change this universe and it’s future as well. This small innocuous time piece heralded the end of her current reality. 

Finding herself suddenly drained of strength, Rose felt her legs become weak. Giving in to her body’s desire to close down, she dropped to her knees beside the circular object that had suddenly become the centre of her universe. Closing her eyes, she focused on the sensations that were radiating from it’s seemingly harmless casing. 

Once again, she could hear the Doctor’s voice but, as she wasn’t touching the watch, she couldn’t make out any words. Swirling, glittering colours played before her. Her breath caught. She knew what it was now. What the colours… the brilliance trickling around her was. It was the vortex. It was time. It was what the TARDIS had shown her when she looked into its very heart. Oh my God… was this how _he_ saw it?

Now unable to hold back, Rose reached out and picked up the watch. The voices and dancing lights picked up in intensity so Rose felt she was almost sitting in the middle of it all. She could hear the voices clearly again, able to pick out parts of conversations the Doctor had clearly been a part of. These were like… memories, she realized. 

A thought occurred to her. If the sounds and images were this strong with the watch closed… 

Looking down, she studied the fob watch in her hand. The casing was covered with ornate circles and lines… Gallifreyan writing. She recognized it from her years in the TARDIS and from her Doctor’s chicken scratch in notebooks in their shared workshop. She studied it carefully, trying to glean any meaning from the circular symbols, but she didn’t recognize any of them. Her Doctor had tried to teach her to read Gallifreyan at one point, and while she had a bit of success, she soon found the symbols too complicated and didn’t get past understanding only the most rudimentary ones. The other side of the watch casing was adorned with an engraving of a solar system… probably his. The side of the watch held the clasp...the simple metallic latch that was the only thing stopping it from opening. Rose swallowed. Part of her wanted to stuff the watch in the suitcase and forget she ever saw it. The bigger part of her, however… the more logical part of her… knew there was no avoiding this. 

As if in response to this thought, the object she held emitted a voice… one among the many already clamouring for her attention… but this one held authority. It held urgency. 

_Open it. He needs you._

She shook her head. This was… incredible. It was _impossible!_ Yet here it was. In her hand, talking to her!

_Open it_ , the object once again pleaded. Commanded.

Before her mind even caught up with her actions, she found her fingers manipulating the watch and prying it open. 

If she thought the sensations she felt earlier had been overwhelming, she was sorely mistaken, because _this_ was overwhelming. A bolt of searing pain enveloped her in a bright flash of golden light. She felt her body go rigid with it as lights, voices, and images closed in on her all at once, transporting her from the hotel room to a swirling magical landscape. An old man with silver white hair, a young woman in an old fashion flight attendant’s outfit, a scantily clad woman in handsewn leather, a curly haired man in a ridiculous clown coat… the people streamed by her, passing on either side so close that she could’ve easily reached out and touched them had this been real. None of them acknowledged her. It was as if she was watching a film… an edited movie of someone’s life.

_”Doctor?!”_ a girl called from somewhere in an American accent.

_“Jo, you’ve got all the time in the world…”_ An older gentleman said, addressing someone she couldn’t see.

_“Sometimes my brilliance astonishes even me!”_ a rather large eyed, curly haired man said, flinging a ridiculously long scarf over his shoulder.

_“Dreams are important… never underestimate them,”_ a handsome blonde man in cricket kit said wisely.

In the distance in front of her she saw a long haired girl addressing the silver haired man she’d seen earlier, _“Don’t steal that one, steal this one. The navigation system’s knackered, but you’ll have much more fun.”_

_“There are two types of people in the world,”_ Rose then heard from behind her. Turning, she was astounded to find it was Sarah Jane talking, _“Those who panic, and then there’s us.”_

Rose’s jaw dropped. These _were_ memories. They _had_ to be! 

And then she saw him. Her first Doctor. He looked just as she remembered him. He looked intimidating and formidable, his eyes shining with confrontation. He stood only meters from her, but he was staring ahead at something she couldn’t see. _”You might have removed all your emotions, but I reckon right deep down in your DNA, there's still one little spark left. And that's fear. Doesn't it just burn when you face me?"_

Rose felt herself call him then, but her voice was lost in the mallay of noise. She was about to move… to reach for him, but then he disappeared.

On her other side she felt another figure materialize. Looking up, her breath hitched. It was the Doctor… her brown haired, brown eyed Doctor. He looked absolutely stricken. His expression betrayed pain.

Wanting nothing more than to reach out and soothe him, Rose stretched her hand out to make contact with his, only to find he wasn’t solid. Of course he wasn’t. These were memories. But God… he looked so _real_! Tears sprung to her eyes. Seeing the man she loved again… his hair spiked and clad in the pinstripes she’d learned to identify with the alien she so adored… she felt suddenly as if she was drowning in the overwhelming reality of him standing in front of her now. As if her thoughts had sent some sort of message to the vision before her, the apparition looked down at her. Directly at her. His eyes somehow suddenly became clear and present and there was no doubt in her mind that he was looking at _her_. The words that came from him then were astounding, because they were clearly not part of any memory. They were meant for her. They were meant for _now_.

_“Help me.”_

And then her world went completely and utterly black.


	17. Undertaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who've been so supportive through my posting of this fic. It truly means a lot to me!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 17: Undertaking

The cloying sound of her cell phone reached her ears and Rose clawed out to grab it. Bloody piece of rubbish technology, she cursed inwardly. Pawing around, her hand found nothing but itchy blankets. God… she ached all over! Muttering various blasphemies, she peeled open an eye to look for it. 

What the hell?

She was on the floor in a stuffy room, sprawled on the carpet, her face plastered against its scratchy surface. Where was she? Why was she sleeping on the floor? And why did her bloody head hurt so much?

Her cell phone was nowhere in sight, but she could still hear it ringing. A buzzing vibration issued from somewhere on her left buttock, reminding her it was in her back pocket. Reaching back, she pulled it from its storage place and answered it. 

“Hello?” she said groggily.

“Rose?” Alec’s worried voice issued over the phone. “Where are you? Are you alright?” 

“Alec?” With the sound of his voice, memories of the watch came flooding back. Not Alec.

“Rose… what happened? Where are you? You said you’d be here ages ago,” he said, concerned. “Ellie and I have been trying to call you for the last couple of hours,” he worried.

“I’m… I’m fine. I just… I fell. In your room. Must’ve hit my head, ‘cause I blacked out,” she said, feeling guilty for lying, but not sure what else to do. She wasn’t sure what had happened… why she’d lost consciousness, but she wasn’t about to let him know she knew the truth. Not yet.

“My God, Rose,” he said, clearly upset. “I… That’s it. I’m coming to get you,” he said, grunting. Was he getting up?!

“Alec! Stop! What are you doing?!” she nearly yelled in the phone.

“I’m coming to get you, Rose. For pity’s sake… you could have a concussion! What if this has something to do with the last injury you got?” he nearly shouted back.

Trying to calm her voice down, she managed to intone, “Alec… do NOT come and get me. I’m fine, yeah? Now. If you’re worried, I’ll call Ellie to come get me, alright?”

Tense silence crackled over the connection. “Fine,” she heard him finally answer. “But you need to get checked out when you get here. No arguing,” he warned.

“Alright, I promise,” she said, silently crossing her fingers behind her back. “I’m going to hang up now so I can call Ellie, okay?” she suggested.

“No need, she’s right here,” Alec said. “I”ll ask her. She’ll meet you out front,” he stated. Ever the police officer. Bossy bugger.

At the thought, her heart clenched. Her police officer. But he wasn’t, was he? He wasn’t a detective either. He wasn’t even _human_ , for God’s sake!

“Rose?” his voice drew her back, “Did you hear me?” he asked.

“Oh… yeah. Sure. Out front,” she repeated.

“Right. See you soon, love,” he added, his voice softening.

“Yeah, alright. Soon,” she replied before hanging up.

He’d called her ‘love’. He loved her. He’d said it. The words held such meaning… so much. But now… who was really uttering it? The confusing thought rattled around in her head for a few moments. She needed to make sense of this somehow. So… what did she know so far, she asked herself, trying to pull from her analytical Torchwood problem solving experience. Before… when she’d been sure he _was_ the Doctor… she’d convinced herself he wasn’t. Why was that? What made her so sure he wasn’t a time traveling alien? 

Well… he’d been married. He had a daughter. He’d obviously been living on earth for a long time… at least long enough to have teenage offspring. Then again… could he have been lying about that? Maybe it was all some story. Something he’d concocted to convince people he was just another human. But there was a picture of them together… and she looked so like him. Could it be a photo manipulation of some kind? He was a bloody alien with a sentient ship… surely he could manage to change up a picture and make it believable. 

Right. So… the photo and his whole back story about being born in Falkirk and having been married… it could all be a lie. But why? Why would he lie to her? Why wouldn’t he trust _her_ of all people? Then a thought occurred to her. What if he didn’t know he was lying? What if he had amnesia or something? What if, somehow, he’d managed to cross the void again but it damaged him somehow? The very unwelcome thought made her shudder. That is exactly how her Doctor had been taken from her. By the cancer inducing void. What if travelling through the void had damaged the Doctor too? 

She thought back to his reaction to her outburst at Ellie’s place, when he’d sounded so like her Doctor… when he used the Doctor’s very words. He’d been completely surprised by her reaction. There was no way he had faked that. He was genuinely shocked by her tears. Her mind went further back to remember his stories of his daughter growing up. The stories he’d told had been so… real. He’d seemed so very involved in the emotion of them when he’d told them to her. And what about their kiss on the beach and their… their love making? He’d been absolutely disgusted at the very thought she could’ve been thinking of her Doctor when they’d been together! Surely if he _was_ the Doctor the idea that she might have been thinking of him would hardly have caused him such palpable grief.

No… somehow she just couldn’t believe he’d been lying to her all this time. He believed what he was saying. But somehow… someway… he _was_ the Doctor. This impossible item she’d found here confirmed it. But equally impossibly… he didn’t _know_ he was the Doctor. In his mind, he was Alec Hardy. Detective. 

And Alec Hardy was currently dieing in a hospital of sepsis and a heart condition.

The thought stole her breath away. This newest version of the Doctor was fighting for his life. And for some reason, he was human with no ability to heal himself and no second heart to fall back on.

Looking around her, her eyes finally found the watch. _Help me._ The words echoed in her mind. The apparition had looked straight at her. He had stared into her and begged her. It had been _Him_. And there was no doubt as to the true meaning of the words now. 

She had to save Alec Hardy. She had to save the Doctor. They were one and the same. She wasn’t sure exactly how she was supposed to do that, but she didn’t question that it had been _her_ he’d been asking for help from. And she wouldn’t let him down. She was being charged to save his life. And while she was no doctor… or Doctor… she knew there must be a way or he would never have asked it. 

She was going to save him. Because that’s what she did. And this time, she was confident that somehow she could.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Ellie arrived a few minutes after Rose had made her way slowly downstairs with Alec’s full suitcase, the watch tucked safely in her jacket pocket. Her body still hurt from whatever had happened when she opened it. Mulling over what exactly _did_ happen, she played over the event in her mind. The pain had been quite incredible, but she wouldn’t have traded it for what she got to see. It was the Doctor. Maybe _all_ of his regenerations. The memories had been so vivid and vibrant, as if she had been witnessing them in person. Even now, with the watch closed and hidden away, the memories somehow continued to call to her, but it was only a distraction now that she wasn’t touching it. She was actively avoiding doing so, in fact, so she’d be able to concentrate enough to focus on her next mission. Saving Alec.

After loading Alec’s suitcase into Rose’s car, Ellie insisted on helping Rose into her own car to trundle her off to the hospital to get checked out. Rose did her best to play down the story she’d given Alec, but Ellie rightly pointed out that this was the second time she’d lost consciousness in the last couple of weeks. On top of that, Ellie assured her, no matter how trivial she tried to paint her trip into unconsciousness, Alec wasn’t going to rest until she’d been checked out. Rose knew she wasn’t exaggerating. Alec wasn’t going to let her get away with an ‘I’m fine’. Sighing, Rose agreed she’d make sure to get checked out once she’d assured herself Alec was alright. Ellie had let it drop then, apparently content with Rose’s promise. 

The rest of the trip was spent with Rose trying to work out how exactly she was going to help Alec. The Doctor. First thing was first. She had to see him… to see with her own eyes that he was doing alright. Ellie didn’t seem to think there had been any change, but Rose needed to see first hand. From there… 

God. What the hell was she going to do? The Doctor had asked for her help, but… how? How was she supposed to help him? Her mind worried the problem as they drove. What could he have meant? _Help me._

His words were still echoing through her mind as they pulled up to the hospital. Ellie was ready to go inside with her, but Rose insisted she head home. Her boys were alone and her teenager having been in charge of her toddler for a good part of the day. She needed to get back to them. Reluctantly Ellie agreed, leaving Rose at the front doors to go in by herself, promising she’d return to check in on them both tomorrow after lunch. 

Waving good-bye, Rose entered the hospital carrying Alec’s overnight bag. The watch sang to her softly from inside her pocket, spurring her on and serving as a constant reminder that she hadn’t imagined the whole thing back in the hotel room. 

Standing at the elevator, Rose felt a tickle in her throat and cleared it as she tossed options over in her mind. What if she showed him the watch? Would that jog his memory? It might. It was worth a try. It’s not like she had any other plan at the moment, and if the watch talked to him like it talked to her… maybe it could help him remember. 

That still wouldn’t solve her problem, though, she lamented. His knowledge of his identity was the least of their worries right now. Right now they had to save his life. His heart… his _one_ heart… was barely keeping him alive and now this infection was ravaging him as well. Maybe they’d be better off if she focused on that instead of trying to make him remember who he was right now. Then again… if he knew who he was… if he became _himself_ again… maybe he could help think of a way to save his own life. How would he do that, though? 

Then a thought jumped at her. How could she not have thought of this already?

The TARDIS. If _He_ was here, then so was the TARDIS. But… where? Where would she be? Surely she couldn’t be far off. The idea sent a thrill of hope through her. That had to be her next move, she decided. She needed to find the TARDIS. But… how would she find her? She wouldn’t be able to without the Doctor. He could tell her where he’d parked her. 

That settled it. She had to show him the watch. If she was lucky, it would help him remember. 

Help him remember. With all the excitement, she’d not really gotten a chance to think about what that would actually mean. If he remembered… where would Alec go? The thought stopped her in her tracks. Alec. She’d lose him. Lose the man she loved. 

Would she, though? Would she really? He and the Doctor were the same man. Surely Alec would continue to exist in him? Or would he? What if he didn’t? The thought stung her. She loved him, and Alec… _Alec_ loved her back. He’d told her as much. Of course, she loved the Doctor as well… but they’d never… their relationship never had gotten past the walls around the Doctor’s carefully guarded heart. It was only once he’d… once he’d left her and her Doctor on that blasted beach… that she found out how he’d really felt. Her Doctor had told her. He’d told her he’d begun falling for her since ‘Run’, but that he’d never believed he was worthy… of her… of happiness… after what he’d done. He was only starting to come to terms with it… how he felt about her and how he wasn’t going to be able to keep his distance for much longer… when she fell through the void. And that’s when it hit him full force. That he loved her. You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. How true. 

So she and the Doctor… their relationship had never really gotten off the ground. It was only once he’d become human… once he’d been left with her as the metacrisis… that he’d admitted his feelings. It was only then that they’d become a proper couple. 

So… where would that leave them now? Once he remembered? She was going to lose Alec. And the Doctor… he may not… may not want her back. Sure… he’d loved her once. They’d been close to having more. But how long had it been for him? A year? Ten years? A hundred years?? Who knows what he’d been through… who he’d been with… since they parted ways… since he left her and her Doctor to their happily ever after. 

The thought made her heart break. She needed him. Alec. She loved him. And now… she was going to lose him. All because of the life changing object seated safely in her pocket. Resentment bubbled up inside her and was met with confusion. How could she be angry about this? It was _the Doctor_! She’d wanted nothing more than to get him back ever since she’d been torn from him the first time. Now here he was. The Doctor. He was the Doctor. So basically… she’d just managed to fall in love with him again… only this time neither of them had known who he really was. A strangled laugh found it’s way to her throat. She’d spent SO much energy since she’d met Alec trying to convince herself he was NOT the Doctor. Now she realized she was spending equal amounts of energy trying to come to terms with the fact that he _was_. 

Without really noticing the elevator had stopped, she found the doors opening to Alec’s floor. Stepping out, she hovered by the doors as they closed behind her. 

Could she do this? Could she show him the watch? If she did, she was risking losing the man she loved and who loved her back. An ache filled her chest. She didn’t want to lose him. 

Snaking her hand into her pocket, her fingers found the edge of the watch. It’s hold on her increased with the contact and she once again found herself hearing the voices clearly. 

_“Allons-y!”_

_“The universe hangs by such a delicate thread of coincidences. It’s useless to meddle with it.”_

_“Everything has it’s time and everything dies.”_

_“You are soft, like all Time Lords. You prefer to stand and watch. Action requires courage; something you lack.”_

_“Courage isn’t a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”_

Her hand pulled away quickly. The voices… at least two of which were the Doctor’s… were obviously trying to tell her something. This wasn’t her choice to make. Not really. It was telling her to man up. To have courage. To do the right thing. 

And the right thing was to show him the watch.

Steeling herself, Rose took a deep breath. She could do this. She _had_ to do this. Bracing herself, she started walking toward Alec’s room.

She rounded the last corner only to find busy nurses coming and going quickly from the ICU room ahead of her. Through the window of the room she saw people crowded by Alec’s bed, clearly focused and urgent. “Clear!” a voice rang out. A buzz and a crack issued from somewhere in the centre of the mallay. 

Panic filled her. Pushing herself into the room past a couple of people in scrubs, she found Alec… the Doctor… lying unconscious on his bed, the doctors and nurses surrounding him gearing up for another assault.

“Again!” one of them called. The buzz of electricity building filled the air again before the woman holding them shouted, “Clear!” before pushing the paddles against his chest. The crack of the machine sent the Doctor’s body arching off the bed before slumping back down again. 

“We’ve got a steady pulse,” one of the nurses affirmed.

“What?! He had no pulse?!” Rose heard herself yell. 

“What’s she doing in here?!” one of the doctors squawked, realizing she’d inserted herself into the group.

“Miss… you can’t be in here,” one of the nurses said, trying to guide her out.

“No! You don’t understand! He’s… he’s my…” What? My what? Lover? Boyfriend? Travelling companion? “...my everything!” she finally finished, entreating. “What’s happening? Please… tell me,” she begged, allowing the woman to lead her away from the bed. 

“His heart slowed to a point where it was barely beating,” the nurse said calmly. “They had to use the defibrillator to shock his heart into beating regularly.”

“Oh my God,” Rose whispered. “Alec.”

The nurse shot a look over to another woman who nodded back. “It looks like he’s going to be alright for now. I’ll have the doctor speak with you once he’s done in here, alright?” she offered, once again leading Rose toward the door. “You can go back in once the doctor gives the okay,” she explained as she shuffled Rose out of the room. 

Nodding numbly, Rose allowed herself to be escorted away from the busy room and the man her life centred around. The nurse suggested she wait in the waiting room, but she definitely couldn’t be that far away from him, so she stood outside the room window, watching them hook the Doctor up to new IVs. She couldn’t see him well from where she stood, as one of the nurses was blocking her view, but she got a few glimpses. She saw enough to nearly stop her own heart. He was drawn and grey and he looked so, so sick. A sob escaped her. He looked just like he had at the end. When the cancer had all but taken him from her. Tears rolled down her face as the nurse finally moved out the way to reveal his battered form on the bed looking so like her Doctor she wanted to scream. 

What was she going to do? What _could_ she do? He needed her help _right now_! Her plan to show him the watch was at least temporarily impossible. So what now? Trying to shape her thoughts into something more useful, she made herself concentrate. Her next step was going to be finding the TARDIS. But how could she do that if she couldn’t find it? The Doctor was certainly not going to be able to help her. 

“Ms. Tyler?” a man’s voice came from beside her, knocking her from her reverie. “I’m Doctor Shaw,” he said, introducing himself. 

“Hi,” she said weakly, wiping her tears with the fabric of the hoodie she was wearing. “Is he okay?”

The doctor took a deep breath. “He’s stable for now. But, I have to be honest. He’s not doing well, I’m afraid,” the man shared, obviously trying to be kind with the way he worded the news. “His heart rate continues to be dangerously low. The infection isn’t responding to the antibiotics, and we’re throwing everything we can at it. We’re going to continue the meds he’s on in hopes that they just haven’t had enough chance to kick in yet. We’ve still got him on IV fluids and vasopressors as well which constrict his blood vessels to bring up his heart rate.”

Rose’s hand pressed to her lips, as if somehow that might stop the torrent of tears slipping down her cheeks. “He’s gonna die, isn’t he?” she choked, unable to keep the hateful words from tumbling from her lips.

The doctor put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “We’re going to do everything we can, Ms. Tyler,” he assured her. 

Unable to form anymore words, Rose merely nodded. Alec… the Doctor… he was dying. It looked like medicine wasn’t going to help… at least not 20th century earth medicine, anyway. She needed to find the TARDIS. Even if the Doctor wasn’t able to help her find it, she had to. His life depended on it.


	18. Means to an End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I’ve never ever written anything where my own heart was pounding as I wrote. Whew! Hope you like!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 18: Means to an End

Not wanting to leave his side, but unable to think of any other way to find the TARDIS, Rose set out to catch a cab back to the hotel to retrieve her car. And really, she figured the hotel was probably as good a place to start looking for the TARDIS as any. It’s where the Doctor had first settled himself in Broadchurch as Alec, so maybe the TARDIS was parked nearby. 

It was evening now and Rose knew she had a long night ahead of her. She’d checked her mobile a couple of times now to make sure the ringer was on and she had enough charge to last her. She’d asked the nurses to call as soon as Alec woke or if there was any change in his condition and they’d kindly agreed. 

The cab dropped her off in the parking lot of the Traders, leaving Rose standing alone under the lamplight in the foggy evening air. She took a steadying breath, but it only served to make her cough. Covering her mouth with her sleeve, she coughed a few times, successfully clearing the annoying tickle in her throat before climbing behind the wheel of her car. Sitting for a moment, a wave of fatigue rolled over her. God. She didn’t have time for exhaustion. Anxiety curled around and through her as she considered her next move. Where should she start? She had no leads… no idea where, literally, on earth the TARDIS was! Closing her eyes, she tried to calm herself and concentrate. Her mind was whirling and worry was coursing through her making it difficult to think. 

Okay. _Relax_ , she told herself. She wasn’t going to get anywhere until she could think this through. Keeping her eyes closed, she tried to centre herself. Allowing her mind to calm, she reached for that blessed place in her mind. The one place she’d always taken herself to when she was overwhelmed. Within moments, she thought she felt the familiar thrum of the TARDIS pushing relief through her mind. 

Oh my GOD! The TARDIS! Her eyes flew open. The TARDIS was in her mind! She’d often thought over the last year that she’d felt her when she needed her most. She’d always assumed the comfort and love was being sent from somewhere across the void… but... it hadn’t been, had it? It had been _here_ the whole time! A thrill of excitement pulsed through her. The TARDIS _was_ here and she was communicating with her! And that meant…

Rose squeezed her eyes shut again and concentrated. Reaching back to find the place her mind instinctively knew to go to in difficult times, she found the warm thrum of the sentient ship ready and seemingly excited to greet her. It wasn’t that she could _hear_ the ship in her mind… it was more like... feelings. Shared feelings being fed to her by that beautiful, amazing blue box. 

A warm pulse pushed through her mind following that thought. Ha! A glorious laugh of relief escaped her. She was talking to her! A ridiculous grin was currently cemented on her face. There was hope! A thrum of worry flowed from that part of her mind the TARDIS occupied. She was worried about the Doctor too. They had to help him. There was no time to waste.   
Unsure how to ask the TARDIS a direct question, Rose pulled up an image of the Doctor lying in the hospital bed and tried to mentally articulate her question. What can we do?

A wave of concern and anxiety floated over her. She was no stranger to that particular feeling right now, but this time it was the TARDIS who it was issuing from. An image of the watch assembled itself in glittering dots in her mind. Rose’s breath caught… not at the message itself, but at the sheer beauty of the image. Was this how the Doctor communicated with the TARDIS? A wave of affection washed over her then. No. This was special for her. God. She wanted to hug that ship. She tried to send her an appreciative embrace, and evidently the TARDIS understood, as she then felt the equivalent of a mental hug back. This was… incredible! She wondered briefly why the TARDIS had never communicated with her this way before. A shadow of melancholy loomed somewhere in the back of her mind. Hmmm. She’d have to explore that with her when they had more time. But right now, she had to focus on what to do to help the Doctor. Through all these thoughts, the image of the fob watch continued to dance before her closed eyes. The watch. Alright. Somehow it was the key. But… what was she supposed to do with it? Just… give it to him?

The glittering spots dissolved then and coalesced into another one. It was the watch again, but this time it was open. Open! She needed to open it!

A pulse of negativity pushed at her from the ship. No? She wasn’t supposed to open it? She could sense the power of the TARDIS gathering in her mind before that image also faded and was replaced with another. It was the sparkling outline of the Doctor. Trying not to get distracted by the sheer brilliance of the image in her mind, she tried to put two and two together. Then it came to her. The TARDIS needed the watch opened… but not by her. The Doctor had to open it. 

A triumphant swell of happiness nearly steamrolled her then, making her laugh out loud. That was it! “I could bloody _kiss_ you!” she shouted between whoops of joy. _He_ had to open the watch. She wasn’t sure what exactly that would _do_ for him, but the TARDIS seemed insistent. Maybe it was like she’d thought… that it would help him remember. She wasn’t sure what exactly it would do, but she had no doubt now that it’s what needed to be done. That it would somehow save his life.

Starting the car and putting it in gear, she started off for the hospital. She’d do what the TARDIS had asked. She only prayed it would be enough. 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

She arrived back at the hospital at around 8:15 and with regular visiting hours ending, she was met by a number of people leaving the building. It was odd to think herself lucky that Alec… the Doctor… was in the ICU, but right now it was actually a good thing, as visiting hours didn’t apply to ICU patients and their families. Part of her cringed at that. She clearly wasn’t family, but the doctors and nurses were now aware that she was the next best thing to next of kin, so they’d acquiesced and let her act in that capacity. She doubted such a kindness would’ve been extended to her in a big city hospital, so she was once again thankful for small favours. 

Rushing in, she made her way up to his room where she found a nurse adjusting something beside the bed. Rose cleared her throat so as not to scare the woman, and she turned at the sound. “Um… Hi,” Rose said.

“Hi. You must be Ms. Tyler?” the nurse asked. 

“Uh, yeah. How is he?” she asked, looking back at the Doctor. He looked so beaten.

The nurse looked back at him as well. “He’s stable,” she offered, obviously cautious to not say anything that might create false hope. “He’s hasn’t woken since he was defibrillated.”

Rose moved closer, rounding the bed on the opposite side of the nurse. “Can I?” she asked, gesturing to make sure he was well enough for her to at least take his hand.

“Of course,” the woman said kindly. Rose sat in a chair beside the bed and took the Doctor’s hand in hers. It was so warm. Too warm, even for a human. “Alec,” she whispered, remembering how she’d used his temperature to help convince herself he was NOT the Doctor. 

“I’ll just leave you two alone. Use the call button if you need anything,” the nurse said, her hand touching Rose’s shoulder softly. 

“Thank-you,” Rose replied, unable to take her eyes from the Doctor. 

Now, with just the two of them in the room, Rose stood and brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. She shook her head. This was the Doctor. For a moment she studied his face, so relaxed in sleep. It was so hard to believe he was lying here in front of her. The Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. The last of the Time Lords. Being ravaged by an infection that he should have been able to fight off. Being threatened by an inferior human heart. “Oh, Doctor,” she breathed, tears prickling her eyes. 

Closing her eyes, she once again became aware of the pocket watch which still sung to her from it’s hiding place. She needed to wake him up. The TARDIS had told her _he_ had to open it. “Doc… er, Alec,” she said, leaning in closer to his ear. “Alec… wake up,” she said, caressing the side of his face. The man before her didn’t stir. “Alec… please wake up,” she said, a bit louder now. “Please. I need you,” she said, aware how desperate she was sounding. Still no movement. 

Looking around the room, she spied a cloth left on the table on the other side of the bed. Moving quickly, she grabbed it up and dipped a corner of it in the still cold glass of water sitting beside it. Pulling the towel out still dripping, she folded it into a wet square and smoothed it across the Doctor’s forehead, letting the cool water trickle down his face in the hopes that it might rouse him. “Alec… wake up, love. You need to come back to me. Please, Alec,” she begged.

His lids stayed resolutely closed.

Fear began to win over sense now, and Rose found herself actually considering pouring the whole glass of cold water on him to wake him. Before she could even think this through, though, a machine beside his bed began to beep. Looking around frantically for the source, she found it was his heart monitor. Oh God. His heart rate was slowing. The machine’s green spikes pulsed ominously, now slowing from 50 to 49 to 48 beats per minute. From outside the room she heard voices call out and the sound of people running further alerted her to the implications of what she was seeing. The numbers kept decreasing. 41, 40… He was crashing.

“Alec!” she found herself shouting, now shaking him in earnest. “Wake up! Wake up NOW!” she yelled. “PLEASE!”

One of the nurses charged into the room and pulled her forcefully off of him. “What are you doing?!” the woman shouted, pulling her back as more people rushed into the room. 

“Help him! Please!” Rose begged. 

“We will,” the nurse assured her, “but you need to leave,” she instructed, pulling Rose outside the room to the viewing window. 

It took everything in her to obey the direct order she’d been given. Once again the paddles appeared and there was a flurry of activity as they readied the man she loved to once again receive a lifesaving jolt to the heart. The order to ‘clear’ was called and the paddles applied. Rose watched helplessly as the Doctor’s body shot up, only to flop back down again. It took three tries this time, but finally… in what had to be an answer to her unending stream of prayers… his heartbeat once again regulated to a steady 57 beats per minute. She knew that was still very low, but at least it was closer to normal now. 

With the renewal of a steady heartbeat, the considerable number of people now in the room seemed to issue a collective sigh of relief. Rose saw the doctor mutter something to the nurse beside him and she exited quickly. The medical team continued busily tending to their patient, and it was only a good ten minutes later that their numbers once again began to dwindle as the imminent threat had passed. With the room clearing a bit, Rose itched to run back to him, but instead she waited impatiently as she’d been instructed to do. 

Doctor Shaw, seeing her still standing at the window, finally gestured for her to enter the room again, which she eagerly did. “Ms. Tyler…” the doctor said, as she approached, “I’ve put in a page to the cardiologist on call. As much as I hate to suggest it, I think we need to consider more drastic measures in light of Mr. Hardy’s recent setbacks.”

“What… what does that mean?” she asked, aware how frightened she sounded.

“It means…” the doctor said, sighing and rubbing his forehead, “I don’t know if he’s going to make it if we continue to wait for the infection to clear before we consider surgery. I’m going to see what the cardiologist says, but my feeling is we may have to accept the real risks surgery would bring when given the likely alternative,” he shared. 

Rose’s breath caught. They were actually saying it out loud now. They didn’t think he was going to make it. 

“Like I said… I have to consult with the team, but that’s what I’m thinking right now,” he said evenly. “I’ll find you once I’ve spoken with the cardiologist. Do you… is there anyone else who should know? Any family?”

Sadness choked her. She didn’t know. She really didn’t. Did he have a daughter? A real one… a teenager living in Scotland? She just didn’t know what was real anymore. Reluctantly she answered a quiet, “He has a daughter. In Glasgow. That’s all,” she shared.

He nodded kindly. “Perhaps she should be told? She may want to come?”

Rose nodded mutely, looking at the floor. Taking that as his cue, the Doctor Shaw left the room. A minute later, the remaining nurses cleared the room as well. Once they’d gone, Rose allowed herself the strangled sob she’d been holding back since he said the words. _I don’t know if he’s going to make it,_ Doctor Shaw had said. Fear gripped her, making her breathless. 

She needed him to open the watch. The TARDIS had told her it needed to be done and she believed it. She had no other choice. The object was the closest thing she had to hope at the moment and she wasn’t about to let that die. She had to somehow make it happen. To make the Doctor… make Alec open it. But he wasn’t even conscious for God’s sake! And somehow she didn’t think it would work if she simply placed her hands around his and helped him do it passively. No. Somehow… for some reason… she knew he had to be aware of what he was doing. He had to choose to open it. 

But how?! How was he going to do that if he was out cold? Standing again at the bedside looking down at his unconscious body, she groped around in her mind for some way… some idea on how to make this happen. It was then she once again realized she wasn’t alone in this. There was someone else in the universe who knew what was at stake here. 

Closing her eyes, she searched the corner of her mind for the TARDIS, and once again, she wasn’t disappointed. The reassuring pulse of the ship whirred in her head and she reached for it, sending it her question. _What can I do?!_ She tried to send an image of the Doctor lying prostrate before her. Her feelings of worry were once again reflected back at her by the time ship which was also clearly distressed. From somewhere beyond her, she once again felt the TARDIS gear up to communicate with her. This time, knowing she was about to see a fantastical image, she tried to ready herself to see meaning in it right away instead of being blinded for a while by its beauty. She needed answers and she needed them fast. 

The pinpoints of colourful lights danced before her and they were indeed dazzling, as they had been earlier. But this time she concentrated on the picture coalescing before her. It was… an IV bag. But… he was already on an IV. Within moments a word began to form in the middle of the image. The word wobbled a bit before her eyes but there was no doubting what it said. Epinephrine. That’s what it said. “Epinephrine?” she whispered. The image disintegrated into it’s component bits of luminescence and then completely faded. 

“But… what…?” she said dumbly to the air in the room. Epinephrine. The word seemed familiar and she was trying to recall why. Then it came to her. Adrenaline. Epinephrine was another word for adrenaline. Well, she had _lots_ of that pumping through _her_ at the moment, but that didn’t help the Doctor any. Obviously the TARDIS wanted her to give him adrenaline. Well… she was in a hospital, so it shouldn’t be impossible to get her hands on some. But… how was she even going to administer it? She didn’t know how. 

Well… first thing’s first. She wasn’t getting any closer to giving him the needed medication by standing here. She had to find the proposed anti-sedative and she had to do it quickly.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

It wasn’t long before Rose found herself skulking down various non-public areas of the hospital snooping around the place for likely medicinal storage areas. It was a small town operation and not large as far as hospitals went, which thankfully decreased the scope of her search. A few times she found herself thanking Torchwood for her operative training when she’d had to duck away quickly to avoid detection in areas she clearly shouldn’t have been in. Luckily, it really didn’t take long before she found what she was looking for. She was even more lucky that the storage room wasn’t locked, though she wasn’t particularly surprised over the fact. It was no secret, at least to Torchwood, that hospitals weren’t always fastidious about locking up their stocks… a fact that had come in handy on at least one alien nabbing expedition she’d taken part in.

Rooting through the shelves she finally found what she was looking for. Epinephrine. There were a couple of options on the shelf, but the one that caught her attention was the one she’d seen many times before. An epi-pen. They were easy enough to administer, and she wouldn’t need to fiddle with his IV to do it. Grabbing up a handful of them, she loaded them in her purse and quickly exited the room. 

Saying she was relieved that she’d managed that particular part of the plan without a hitch was an understatement. Time was of the essence here… but then, when was that NOT the case where the Doctor was concerned?

Making it back to his room unhindered, she quickly made her way to his bedside and pulled out one of the pens from her purse, readying it for use. She wasn’t completely sure how this would wake him, but she trusted the TARDIS to know what was best for him. Looking down on the still unconscious and vulnerable form under the sheets, she couldn’t help but issue a small prayer to any deity that might be listening. Please, _please_ … let this work, she begged silently.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep steadying breath and lifted the blanket covering his legs. As expected, his hospital gown barely covered what needed to be covered, but for once that was a good thing. Raising the pen, Rose steeled herself and plunged the needle into his thigh. An audible ‘click’ issued from the implement, telling her the adrenaline was blessedly being injected. After she was sure the chemical had been administered she pulled the epi away and waited. 

It wasn’t long before she noticed Alec’s heart rate increasing on the monitor beside his bed. “Come on, come on…” she whispered as she watched him carefully for any signs of waking. Deciding she might have more luck if she actively tried to rouse him as well, she gently shook his shoulder and said his name. When she got no response she tried again, with a bit more fervor, but he remained resolutely unaware of her efforts. “Come on, Alec. Pleeeeease wake up,” she begged, cupping his cheek. 

Suddenly inspired, she reached in her pocket and withdrew the fob watch. If it called to her, it might call to him as well. At least it was worth a try. Once again, when her hand contacted the warm metal, the object began singing to her with primarily male voices buzzing through it and into her mind. “Please work…” she prayed aloud as she placed the object reverently on the skin just above the collar of his gown. 

Letting go of the magical gadget, she stepped back a bit, hoping maybe it would talk more to him if she was further away. Probably a barmy idea, but at this point she was willing to try anything. 

Minutes had passed now and the Doctor seemed no closer to waking than he had when she’d walked in the room with the needles in hand. 

Fear began to grip her once again. It wasn’t working. Now what?! He HAD to wake up… it was the only way she was going to be able to save him! Images of him being wheeled away on a gurney, his lifeless body draped with a crisp white sheet assaulted her. It was her Doctor all over again! She couldn’t… he couldn’t leave her! She needed him like air and losing him again… she just couldn’t do it. Not again.

“Doctor… help me,” she begged, looking down at the unconscious man before her. Just then, a familiar niggle rose in the back of her mind. The TARDIS. Closing her eyes, she felt the brilliant ship formulating another message for her. The word ‘Epinephrine’ magnificently formed and twinkled before her eyes. 

More? He needed more adrenaline. Alright. She could do that. Opening her eyes, she quickly reached into her pocket for another pen, drew it out and readied it. Once again pulling back the blanket currently draped over his leg, she lifted the needle and hastily plunged it into the Doctor’s leg. The reassuring ‘click’ of the gadget told her it was doing its job once again. 

Anxiously, Rose watched Alec again closely for any sign of change. The monitor above the bed now heralded his increasing heart rate which was at 125 and rising. “Come on…” Rose urged as she watched his heart rate climb.

Just then, the man on the bed began to stir. 

“Alec!” Rose nearly shouted, grinning insanely. “Alec! Wake up, love. Please!” she entreated. Alec’s eyes fluttered open then, slightly glassy and unfocused, but definitely open. Rose could’ve laughed out loud, she was so elated. 

“Rose?” Alec’s cracked voice said when he was finally able to focus. 

This time Rose _did_ laugh. “Yes! It’s me, Alec,” she grinned, taking his hand in one of hers while tenderly running her other hand across his cheek. “Oh my God… I’ve been so worried,” she shared, unable to stop a tear from spilling down her cheek. 

“Mmmm,” he replied tiredly. Above him, the monitor continued to alert them that his heart rate was still rising. 

A wave of anxiety pulsed through Rose as she stood gazing down at the man she loved in every form she’d ever known him in. Before she could even process it, another stronger swell of worry flooded her from the recesses of her mind. Warning her. She had to hurry.

Turning quickly to Alec, she picked up the watch still lying on his chest. “Alec… I know this is going to sound completely barmy… but I need you to do something for me. For yourself.”

Looking up at her, Rose could see he was working to focus on her face. A bead of sweat began to form on his brow. “What is it?” he asked, his speech a bit slow.

Rose held the watch in Alec’s field of vision. “Do you recognize this?” she said, looking at him for any reaction. Alec turned his attention to the item in her hand. “It’s yours,” Rose clarified.

Alec’s brow furrowed and he squinted his eyes, trying to bring the item into sharper focus. He was seeing as she had at first, she figured. “Ummm… yeah. That’s my watch,” he said.

Rose felt herself breathe a sigh of relief. At least he could identify it. “That’s right. It is. _Your watch,_ ” she affirmed. “I need you to hold it,” she said, reaching down to open his hand. Placing the watch into Alec’s palm, she closed his fingers around it and studied his face. Then she saw it. Awareness.

“What?” he breathed, his eyes distant.

Rose smiled. He heard it. The singing. The voices. 

“Rose… what is it?” he asked, seemingly listening to something he had to focus on to hear.

“It’s… it’s _you_ ,” she answered ardently. “It’s who you are. Who you _really are_.” 

Shifting his gaze, he looked up at her. “What do you mean?” he asked, his sunken but amazed brown eyes showing his confusion.

“Alec… remember how I told you about…” she swallowed, “... about the Doctor. How he died?” Alec nodded. “Well… he had a… a twin,” Rose said, trying to describe the existence of the Doctor in a way that _might_ make sense to a lay person. “He was a very important person. To me. To the Doctor. To everyone, really. But… he disappeared. For a long time. And when he turned up… he… he sort of… had forgotten who he was.”

Alec merely stared up at her, waiting for more.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she tried to find appropriate words. “Alec...I think… I _know_ that… you’re him,” she said gently. 

Alec’s eyes narrowed. “What?” Alec said, confused and obviously dismayed at her statement.

“I know. I know it sounds completely barmy… but it’s true. And what’s in the watch… that’ll prove it to you.”

Alec looked down at his hand which was still cupping the gadget. Opening his fingers, he stared down at it. Looking back up at her, he shook his head. “That’s… that’s mad,” he said decidedly, now a bit more lucid. “How can I have a twin? I… my parents… they never told me anything like that,” he said defensively. “And… I can’t be him. I remember everything about my life. My childhood… my family… everything!” he added surely.

“I know it seems like it, Alec… but somehow your mind has constructed this… history… for you. But it’s not real, Alec. Your memories… your _real_ memories... have been covered up. But if you just open this watch… I promise it will all make sense,” she entreated.

Alec shook his head in disbelief, “What… I don’t… there’s _no way_ this is going to make any sense,” he said, closing his eyes tightly.

“Alec,” she said, turning her next words over in her mind carefully before finally releasing them, “I love you. YOU,” she said earnestly. “But I also know that this is your _only_ chance. You need to know who you really are. Not just for yourself, but for me, and your family… for the whole universe, even. It will change you… the way you see yourself… but in the end, that’s what will save you. Because this life…” she paused, emotion choking her for a moment, “...it’s not meant to go on forever. But part of you will, Alec. Part of you will go on living, even once this is over. But that will only be true if you really find out who you are. Where you’ve come from. And the only way to start that process is by opening this watch,” she implored.

Looking down at the object in question, he seemed to really be considering her request. Finally, he looked back up at her, his brows furrowed. “I don’t know what this is really about,” he began, “...and I can’t… what you’re saying, it’s…” he added, shaking his head tiredly, “but… I love you, Rose. And if it’s that important to you…” he trailed off, focusing again on the watch. Hope began to well in her as she watched him really examine the watch casing. Lifting the object up, he turned it over in his hands, really studying it. 

Rose was almost holding her breath in anticipation when suddenly, Alec’s hand closed tightly around the locket as he curled in on himself with a painful grunt. One of his hands flew to his chest as machines around him began beeping. His heart!

Dropping beside him, Rose looked up into his pained face. “Open it, Alec! Open the watch!” she ordered, now hearing the sound of people shouting from the hall.

“Alec… please!” His breath was coming in pants and sweat dripped from his forehead. “Alec… look at me!” Rose begged. His eyes opened minutely, obviously hearing her. “Open the watch! Trust me. I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU! OPEN IT!” she shouted.

With trembling hands, Alec, grasped the watch. He was going to do it! His fingers were shaking mightly now, and he nearly dropped it. He’d never be able to manage the clasp on his own. 

Rose panicked. Did he have to do it _all_ by himself? The TARDIS had said he had to do it. He had to open it. But… did that mean she couldn’t help? 

Watching him nearly drop the watch a second time, she decided. Her help would have to be acceptable. He wasn’t going to be able to open it any other way. Taking his hands in hers, she placed his fingers in the correct position and put hers overtop of his. Alec’s mouth was twisted in an agonizing grimace as the pain was clearly increasing. They had to do this NOW.

“Together,” Rose whispered, as his eyes fixed on hers, “...forever.”

With that, hand over hand, Rose and Alec opened the watch.


	19. New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, friends! The last chapter. I ever so truly have to thank you all for reading and commenting and being so wonderfully supportive! This is by no means ‘The End’... I admit it ends on a _wee_ bit of a cliffhanger. But as I said before the sequel is well into production and the first chapter will be posted shortly. ‘Identity’ is in the title, so keep an eye out for it!
> 
> Enjoy the end of this part of the story!

### 

Identity - CHAPTER 19: New Beginning

_Taking his hands in hers, she placed his fingers in the correct position and put hers overtop of his. Alec’s mouth was twisted in an agonizing grimace as the pain was clearly increasing. They had to do this NOW._

_“Together,” Rose whispered, as his eyes fixed on hers, “...forever.”_

_With that, hand over hand, Rose and Alec opened the watch._

 

Golden glitter streamed in waves from the white face of the open time piece, enveloping Alec’s face. A strangled breath escaped Rose as she watched the light pour into him, making his eyes light with golden flecks. She was unable to pull her own eyes away as she studied him, her mind reciting a litany of prayers as she stared, mesmerized, at Alec. 

She had a vague awareness of loud footfalls in the hall, but the noise barely even registered. All that mattered was the man before her… the man currently under the spell of the object he held open in his palm. 

A gasp issued from him as the object fell away, dropping onto the sheets below. His back arched, even as he continued to glow with sparkling light and the luminescence suddenly built to envelop not just his face, but his whole body. Rose heard herself call his name… both of them… as she saw his face contort in pain. 

Then, as quickly as it began, it was over. 

Bringing her hands down away from her eyes, as she’d had to shield them from the bright glare, she found him staring at her, his eyes wide. They looked almost wild with surprise. 

Apprehension filled her. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting once the watch opened. She’d sort of imagined something involving bright light, but after that, she’d really had no clue. She’d suspected that somehow the Doctor’s memories would return, but now… looking at him… maybe that wasn’t the case. Maybe the watch was just meant to save his life… make him healthy again. Now that the moment was here, she wished beyond measure that she’d asked the TARDIS when she’d had the chance. Deciding to play it safe, she said, “Alec?” she said quietly… almost reverently.

Blinking, his expression calmed from shock to bewilderment. Then, to her surprise, his lips curled up in a sad smile. “Weeelllll… _sort of_ ,” he said, his accent decidedly different. “We should probably talk about that…”

“Doctor!” she cried, jumping up to envelop him in a bone crushing hug. Tears stung her eyes, but for once… for once this week… they were tears of relief and joy. Squeezing her eyes shut, she relished the feel of him against her as she nestled her nose in his neck, taking a deep breath. “Oh, God! Doctor!” she sobbed, tears now freely falling, wetting his skin and the flimsy gown between them.

“Get back from him!” she heard someone demand before feeling hands tugging at her from behind. Unable to stop them, she reluctantly allowed herself to be pulled away from him as hospital staff surged forward to examine their patient. 

The Doctor looked around him, a bit bewildered, as they fussed over him and the monitors he was currently connected to. 

The heart monitor was still sounding its alarm as it registered a very irregular beat. “Oh, for God’s sake,” one of the nurses cursed. “It’s the cardiac monitor. It’s not working properly. Look at these readings!” she said, calling another nurse’s attention to the apparently ‘off the wall’ data being offered. “Carla, could you cancel the code blue and fetch the other monitor from room three?” Rose smiled broadly. Two heart beats might do that to a machine.

“Mr. Hardy!” the nurse chimed. “How are you feeling? It’s nice to see you awake,” she said kindly.

“Well… it’s nice to _be_ awake,” he admitted, shooting a look at Rose. “And I’m fine! Never better, really. Tip top, shape!” he added enthusiastically the way only the Doctor could. 

The nurse looked at him skeptically, but nodded with a confused, “Glad to hear it. Well… we’ll let you rest again. Dr. Shaw is just meeting with the Cardiologist right now, but he’ll be in in a few minutes to talk with you, alright?” she informed them before leaving the room, following her other co-workers as they filed out as well.

Watching them leave, Rose’s gaze finally turned back to the Doctor… who was looking at her, his eyes focused and intense… considering. Unable to do anything but stare back, a war of emotions roiling within her, Rose stood paralyzed across the room. 

“You called me ‘Doctor’,” he said cautiously… a statement, not a question.

Rose’s heart jumped into her throat. Nodding, she answered, “Yeah… I did,” she said anxiously. Did he still not remember who he was? Did he still think he was Alec? But… he _sounded_ like the Doctor… and he’d said he was only ‘sort of’ Alec...

Unsure how to find out what he remembered without leading him, she stood silent for a moment. He seemed to be trying to sort something out, his brows furrowed in concentration as he studied her and, oddly, the air around her. 

“I think… we need to talk,” he said seriously. “But first…” he said, looking down at the tubes attached to his arm before peeling the tape off of the intravenous needle attached to the back of his hand, “...I have to get out of here.” With that, he pulled the needle out and began detaching the various monitors currently holding him to the bed.

“Alec… Doctor… what are you doing?!” she croaked. “What if… you shouldn’t… are you really alright now?” she finally sputtered out. 

Finally completely detached, he swung his long legs over the side of the bed. “I’m always alright,” he answered, giving her a toothy grin.

The Doctor! It WAS the Doctor! His beaming smile made her anxiety drop away. It was him! 

“Um… I don’t suppose you know where they’re taken my clothes, do you?” he asked, now standing beside the bed in his blue hospital gown.

“Oh! Yeah,” she answered, moving quickly to a cupboard in the corner of the room. Pulling out his personal effects, she brought them over to him and laid them on the bed. 

Just then, a nurse entered with a new cardiac monitor in tow. “Oh my God!” she gasped, seeing her patient out of bed and seemingly planning on getting dressed. “What are you doing?! You should be in bed, Mr. Hardy. You’re very ill!” she admonished, abandoning the machine and moving to herd him back onto the mattress. 

“I’m actually thinking of checking out, Nurse…” he said, looking on her chest for a name tag, “... Jane. Really? Nurse Jane?! Love it! Brilliant name!” he complimented, giving the woman his most charming smile. 

Rose couldn’t help but feel a bit badly for the woman, who seemed completely gobsmacked by the change in the man before her. “Yes, well… I’m afraid you’re not well enough to leave, Detective,” she stated. “Now climb into bed again, yeah?” she directed, putting her hand on his back to guide him.

“Noooo… actually, I don’t think I will,” he said pleasantly, clearly fully committed to his decision. “But if you could thank the doctor and the rest of the staff for all their help over these last couple of days I’d be eternally grateful, he said, pulling his pants out of the pile on the bed and bending down to slip his feet into the holes.

He hadn’t seemed at all bashful about putting his pants on in front of them, but Rose turned away immediately, giving him a bit of privacy so he could pull them up un-stared at. Sure… she’d seen this body naked, but not...well, not when it was _him_. The nurse, on the other hand, spluttered a frustrated ‘I’m getting the doctor,” before turning on her heel and leaving the room.

Rose was about to turn around again, when she felt a cool hand take hers. Then, a breathy voice whispered in her ear. “Run!”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

They were a few blocks from the hospital when they finally stopped running, both slowing and laughing as the thrill and adrenaline still pulsed through them. Rose hadn’t run like this for… well, for ages! And despite the fact she was significantly winded and wickedly tired...it was… brilliant! The exhilaration helped her overcome her inhibitions and before she had time to really think about it, she’d wrapped her arounds around him in a close hug. “I missed you so much,” she panted, squeezing him tightly.

The Doctor received her attentions by immediately tensing up. At first Rose thought she’d just shocked him with the sudden physical contact, but she quickly realized he wasn’t relaxing into her embrace. He’d hugged her back, but the gesture was decidedly tentative and uncomfortable. Pulling back, she looked up into his face to find him giving her a sad smile. 

“What?” she asked, her voice small. “Doctor… are… is everything okay?” she asked, dropping her arms and stepping back. Then, coming to her senses, she lightly smacked her forehead. “What am I _thinking_? Of _course_ you’re not okay. You’ve just recovered your memories, and you’re probably still confused a bit, I’d expect. I’m sure it’s not everyday you wake up as one bloke only to find out you’re a completely different man by the end of the day,” she said as much for her benefit as his. 

“Yeah… about that,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I, er… I know you and I… you and Alec… had a… a ‘relationship’, Rose,” he broached uncomfortably, “...but… well, even though you’re obviously aware I’m not him anymore… “

Rose’s heart sunk. This was it. He didn’t want her anymore. He’d dropped her off with her Doctor and he’d moved on. Probably with someone else. God. She’d been so naive to think he’d still feel the same way about her. Her Doctor had said he’d loved her long before finally admitting it to her once he was part-human, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t abandoned all hope and found a better life, just as he’d told her to do. 

“Doctor…” she interrupted, not wanting him to have to explain. She honestly couldn’t have stopped herself from hoping there was a possibility they could go back to what they once had… or even to MORE than they’d once had, but she really should’ve tried harder to protect her heart against this eventuality. It wasn’t fair to him to have her heap this expectation on him… especially after what he’d just been through. And really...he shouldn’t have to try to be accountable to her for the time they’d spent apart, separated by the void. “It’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to explain. I… I should have known… I should’ve thought that you’d have moved on… that we… that you’ve probably found someone else by now,” she said, finding the words difficult to choke out. Unable to look at him any longer, she dropped her eyes to the ground. 

Clearing his throat, the Doctor took a tense breath. “Rose… I don’t know what to say. Really, I don’t. You’re… extraordinary. Your timeline… it’s… beautiful. Breathtaking,” he said, seemingly studying the air around her in wonder. “I’ve honestly never seen anything quite like it,” he admitted, clearly in awe. “But Rose… I’ve… I’ve never met you before Broadchurch. Somehow I feel that I should have… and…” he paused, thinking again, “...the picture.” He shook his head, obviously bewildered.

The air around Rose seemed to be emptied of oxygen and her gut clenched. He didn’t know her. How could he not know her? “But… how… how can you not remember?” she intoned. “I’ve known you since before you regenerated. There’s never been a time that _this you_ hasn’t known me,” she said in confusion. Then an idea came to her. “Did… Doctor… was it the void? Did something happen to you when you crossed the void again? Oh my God! I bet that’s it! I bet when you crossed the void something happened… the TARDIS had to… change you… help you become Alec, yeah? And now… something went wrong with the watch or something and you’ve lost a few of your memories!” she stated, her concern for him seeping from her.

It was the Doctor’s turn to look concerned. “Rose… are you telling me... you crossed the void?” he asked, his eyes wide, bending down to study her eyes more closely, as if he might see evidence of void stuff floating around in them.

Backing away slightly, Rose shook her head. “You don’t remember even that?!” she proclaimed, alarmed. Oh God… this wasn’t just a _few_ lost memories. “Doctor… we have to find out why the watch didn’t give you back all of your memories! You don’t remember _me_ , you don’t remember the _void_... do you even remember the meta-crisis?” she went on, now worried beyond reason.

“Meta-crisis?” he said, completely gobsmacked. 

“Ohhhhh… this is NOT good,” Rose intoned, her hand coming up to massage her temple. Then, looking up into his handsome face, she made a decision. “That’s it, Doctor. We’ve got to get you to the TARDIS. She’ll figure out what to do to help you remember,” she decided. “Now. Where is she?” Rose asked, taking his hand and looking up at him seriously.

Looking down at their joined hands, the Doctor seemed at a loss for words. 

“Come on, Doctor! We have to find out what’s happened to you. You’ve been… stuck… being Alec Hardy for… wait. How long have you thought you were Alec?” she asked, staring up at him.

“I, er… it’s been, uh… 16 years. Earth years. Blimey,” he said, the realization of the time frame seemingly amazing him.

Rose halted. Sixteen years! My God! But that meant… “Doctor… did you… were you really married then? On Earth?”

The Doctor looked down at this feet then, clearly uncomfortable. “Yeah. I guess I was. Er… Alec was,” he admitted, guiltily. 

“But that means…” Rose added, reluctantly.

“Yeah,” he supplied, admitting the truth Rose worried was true.

“But… your _daughter_. You have a daughter,” she said in wonder.

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“Wow,” Rose said, deep in thought.

“Yeah,” he repeated.

“What are you gonna do?” Rose asked.

The Doctor sighed. “Alec was… they were estranged. His daughter… she blamed him for the separation. Between her mother and Alec. She hasn’t talked to him in months. I think… if Alec died… went missing… she’d just… move on,” he finished, still looking down at his shoes.

Rose was flabbergasted. “What?! You can’t be serious!” she said. 

Affronted, the Doctor released her hand. “What would you have me do, then? I can’t very well just pop into their flat and tell her her father isn’t the man she thought he was all these years. That he’s a time travelling alien with two hearts!” he said, exasperated, running his hands through his flattened hair. 

He had a point. How would the girl possibly deal with the news? Deciding to let the topic lie for now, Rose refocused on the task at hand. His memory. 

“Alright… I’m sorry, Doctor. We’ll… we’ll figure something out,” she said, reaching for his hand again. Once again, he seemed a bit surprised by the gesture, but he seemed to allow it to comfort him. It comforted her as well, and she needed it. Badly. He didn’t remember her. She’d just lost the man she’d admitted loving… giving him up so this man… the man standing in front of her… could live. She knew she hadn’t had a choice. She was going to lose Alec. He wasn’t going to make it with his heart the way it was and with the infection ravaging his body. But that didn’t make it any easier. Essentially, he’d still died. And the ache she hadn’t had time to come to confront now surged forward in earnest. Feeling her chest tighten, her throat swelled with emotion. 

No. She wasn’t going to cry. She had to keep it together. For the Doctor. If she was right about him being harmed by the void… could he have already lost some of his memories before he crossed and the TARDIS saved as many as she could in the watch? She had to find out. They needed to get him back to the ship.

“We should find the TARDIS, then,” Rose said, forcibly putting on a cheery front. “Where did you leave her?”

The Doctor seemed to study her for a moment, once again considering something. Finally, his body signalling the end of some internal battle, he said, “She’s in Scotland. In Glasgow. But listen, Rose…” he began, clearly feeling a need to warn her, “you can come with me… if you want to. In fact,” he said, looking down uncomfortably, “I’d rather like it if you would,” he added, looking up in her eyes again. “But… you have a life here. I… The way I live… it’s dangerous sometimes. And you’ve had so much loss…” he said, his voice drifting off, as he once again seemed lost in studying the air around her. Her time line.

“Doctor… I know you don’t remember right now… but I once told you I was never gonna leave you. You took that choice from me when you left me here with your meta-crisis. And I’m not sayin’ I regret what happened, because I don’t. Not for one minute. The Doctor… he explained to me why you did it. And even though I still think you were a complete prat for not offering me and him a choice… at least I eventually came to understand it. But we were meant to be together, Doctor. You and me. The universes seem to see us as a team. Shiver and Shake, an’ all that,” she smiled, remembering the moment in Ellie’s kitchen when his real identity had bewilderingly shone through. 

A smile spread across his face in response, making her insides squirm. God. That smile could melt a continent. Shaking his head, he said, “You are truly a wonder, Rose Tyler,” he said. “And I would love for you to come with me,” he grinned. “But… I don’t want to mislead you. I… I don’t think we’ve met before. In fact, I’m _sure_ we haven’t. I’ve got a steel trap memory,” he added, tapping his forehead. 

Pain seared through Rose’s heart. Something terrible had happened to him before he ended up living as Alec. She had to get him back to the TARDIS so they could figure out what it was. “I know you do, and I know you think you don’t know me, but now I _know_ something happened to you before you ended up as Alec. I promise we’ll sort this out,” she said, squeezing his hand. 

Looking down at her, the Doctor’s eyes held both fascination and sadness. He was clearly confused. Whatever happened to him had to have been very significant to have taken so much of his life away from him. To have taken his memories of her. What else had he forgotten? How much of his life was lost to him? Fear pierced her when she considered this. What if his memories couldn’t be retrieved? What if they were lost to him forever? The thought made her shudder. No. She wasn’t even going to consider it. He had to remember. She’d lost her Doctor, and now she’d lost Alec. She couldn’t… she just couldn’t lose the Doctor as well. He was finally, finally back. And she wasn’t going to let him go this time. This was a second chance for them. She had reached for the brass ring and grabbed it, sacrificing much in the process. But now that she had it in her hand, she wasn’t about to let it go without a fight.

And this was a fight she was going to win.


End file.
